Tamara Shazam!

{A heart trillium, drawn by my true love }
We’ve been sick for over a week. Well, not me, the kids and, to a lesser degree but still impactive, Bradley. It hit last Tuesday afternoon, and since then we’ve been to the doctor twice and have a regiment of heavy medications we are giving our kids at regular intervals. It stinks to have sick kids. Both have/had a weird form of strep that has/had them throwing up, boiling with fevers in the 103’s and flat on their backs. Jude is finally on the mend in a big way (read: overly energetic and less than patient), but Gigi has it bad. She was kind of funny, as Spring Break wore down and she wished it wouldn’t end. She even wished she could be sick, just to avoid school! Well, she got her wish in a big, bad way and she now wishes she could take her wish back! The poor kiddo.

Within that matrix we’ve just been keeping our heads above water. We are rife with laundry and needy kids, snuggles, trips for Slurpees and have been crashing into bed at 8:30 at night. We are clean tuckered!

I wish I could say I’m cruising along beautifully, losing weight, running like a pro, but I’m just maintaining. I keep thinking that maybe I need to take a break from this, that perhaps I should pick the weightloss and exercise project up again when the school year is over and I can really focus, but that is what quitting kind of sounds like too. I was remarking to my husband that to is the longest I’ve ever kept weight off after a loss. Usually when I have any success I turn around and gain it all back in a matter of months. This time I’ve been keeping it off for a while. That feels like progress. I don’t want to go backwards. I can’t ‘take a break’. That’s simply letting go of this project. I have to fight for this.

We’ve been walking a bit, running too. Nothing too strenuous as I feel like we are both teetering on the edge of getting sick too. I’m sure it’s just paranoia, but this stuff is tenacious! Usually when illness is going around and I’m in a solid run cycle I can outrun the cold or flu. I feel like breathing like that, when I’m running, really flushes out my lungs. Maybe I’m crazy, but, whatever. Since I’ve started running I’m hardly ever sick. I also know that once, when I was on the cusp of being all better, I went for a run and exasperated my lungs to the point of getting bronchitis. Maybe not, but I know that I was feeling better, went for a run, then battled for two more days after that and had to get antibiotics.

…As I’m writing that, I smell an excuse. Really, I just don’t want to run. I’m tiiiired. Wah wah, right? Quit whining and work out. Do something. Stop it, Tamara! Ugh. So annoyed with myself right now. I saw Jennifer from fat chick to fit chick just finished her first half marathon. I have total running envy. I should be running that too. I should at least be doing regular five milers. I really need to kick my ass into gear. Tomorrow there are no excuses. Tomorrow I will run.

My favorite Easter Egg ‘hiding’ spot of the year goes to 3 foot Vader and his pal Spider-Man:

My son has had the worst cough all week… Throwing up from the nasty cough, fevers, the whole nine yards. My husband finally succumbed to the fever yesterday and today we took the kids to the doctor and my daughter registered a fever while we were there. My tonsils turned into rocks last night, so we decided to hunker down today and have a family illness day (after the doctor’s visit and fortifying Slurpees were purchased, of course). We were all sick, sneezing, coughing, breaking fevers and reigniting them all day. At one point, I was in my bed, feverish kids piled on me, perfectly content. It’s funny how sometimes it takes a literal illness to make you slow down and just enjoy the feeling of children wrapped around your body for the afternoon. I suppose the flu isn’t all bad.

Oh, and this morning I weighed in at 207!!! I’m getting closer and closer again and it feels so satisfying.

As I was going through this break, I tried to be really reflective about the thoughts and feelings I was having when I would struggle with anxiety and want to fill my face with a food binge. Apparently, I have a few key strategies to work through my anxiety that I have used over the past several years: eating, television, exercise, intimacy, music and excessive attention. I’m not saying that these are all practices that are great strategies, they’re just the ones I fall back on when others get out of balance.
When I’m having uncontrollable thoughts, putting something in my mouth is the easiest way to distract myself and this week I have fallen into that trap repeatedly. The crunch of something between my teeth, something sweet to give my brain a brief high note- food is a beautiful distraction. There’s nothing that so completely takes over my brain like food. Seeking it, making it, looking at it, smelling it, eating it- food is a whole brain distraction for me. No wonder I used it to chill my brain out so often.
Television is another addictive habit I have. Mostly, I have broken it and I’m pretty much one of those annoying people who doesn’t really watch TV. Except I do. I like to watch TV to turn off the voices in my head. Having a narrative going in my head distracts me enough that I can cover up the bad self talk I have going and it helps to stop worrying about all that stupid little stuff. I find that falling asleep to a comedy series like Friends or The Office allows my brain to shut down faster, to the point where I don’t even need to see the pictures, I just need to hear voices talking. I use meditations, books on tape and actual streaming TV with headphones, sometimes, to make my brain quiet.
Exercise is a newer strategy, and it’s probably the most difficult strategy to pull out of my back pocket when I’m feeling overwhelmed. But it’s also the very best. If I go for a run when I’m feeling like life is too much, I fight it for about the first mile. After I get through that torture, my brain starts to make a shift and I start feeling so much better. The endorphins start rolling through me and it is the cleanest, best pick me up I know of when I’m out of control; really it’s the one I should turn to above all else! When my run is over, I’m usually feeling just fine and can continue my day like a normal person.
Intimacy is the strategy that I don’t like to write about here the most. I’m a teacher and, while it is acknowledged that we have private lives, we are like parents to everyone and no one wants to hear about what happens behind our closed doors! That said, having focused 1:1 time with my husband can change my entire outlook on everything. Human touch, loving feelings, good endorphins- I need them all and quite often! To that end, we have an understanding with each other and try to support one another as often as we need to keep this in balance. When I’m missing out on my husband’s attention, I can turn into a pouty little brat, and when the pouty little brat comes out she also wants to eat crappy food because a brat, by definition, does and demands what she wants when she wants it regardless of how bad or selfish the choices are, and I am no different! It’s silly – but vital- to consider how important this aspect of my life and marriage are!
The others, music and excessive attention, are definitely things I use, but not nearly to the degree I use the others. I make really specific playlists that target being and thinking positively, that target being understanding, that target being in love, being empathetic and being happy. I put the headphones on and close out the world and life rights itself nicely, through music, sometimes. And excessive attention? Who doesn’t love a massage from their spouse? An opportunity to be babied a little? We all need that from time to time.
I think, though, the point of writing about this was to look at what has happened over the past few weeks that has thrown me for this loop. My work life has been taking way too much of my private life up through worry, obsessive thought and too much conversation, not to mention the physical and emotional drain it takes in the moment. I was getting too worn down and stopped exercising- which is one of the best strategies to make me feel good! I made up for that by adding some food binge behavior into my day to day. Because I was tired, I wasn’t as good about getting the kids to bed on time and I ended up cutting my intimacy time short from my husband. I made that up by, you guessed it, adding more food into my day. What I’ve been doing is systematically ditching my positive, affirming life skills and returning to the one tried-and-true-always-works-and-fixes-everything strategy of stuffing my face. Not good.
But it was so good to have had the reflection time that allowed me to see myself a little more clearly. It’s also good to realize that just by losing weight, my body is in a stress mode and I’ve taken one of my primary coping tools (binging) away from myself. I have to acknowledge that it has been really hard to do that and I’ve made remarkable progress. I have to give myself credit for that. But I also need to use that as motivation for moving forward. Look how happy I am! Look how good I feel! Look how healthy I am now! Look how active I can be! That’s all because I’ve changed out the negative behaviors for ones that build me up and make me into a strong, vital woman. The binging makes me feel tired and negative and has the exact opposite effect, long term, than I’m seeking.
My goal is to eliminate the binge behavior. I feel like the first step in doing that is actually acknowledging that I actually have an issue with binging. It wasn’t until I ‘met’ Katie from Runs For Cookies that I actually realized I had those same behaviors that she described as binging. I used to think that a binge every once in a while wasn’t a big deal, so a weekend of pizza, chips and donuts wasn’t a great sacrifice for me. Now I know, though, that it is a huge deal; I can gain 5-15 pounds in a 2-5 day span. My weight wasn’t gained through day to day bad eating habits, I gained through a series of binges over many years.
My job now is to keep it reigned in every day forever and ever amen, hallelujah.
It will be that easy.
Not!
But I’m up for the challenge. 🙂

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I’ve made no secret of my struggle over the past few weeks. Exercise has been hard, eating has been hard… I’ve just been finding the whole determination thing harder than it was last spring. I know that part of that is lacking the enthusiasm for a new project, being bored of losing weight and burnt out on counting calories. It just gets exhausting to be this vigilant, know what I mean?
I’m glad to say that over this break I have met my goals, pretty much. I’m at the peak of PMS, so I don’t have a realistic weigh-in scale report to share (I have 3-7 pound weight fluctuations at this time that really mess with me, so I try to stay off the scale during the last week or so of my cycle), but I am tremendously pleased to report that I exercised like a beast this break. I did not slack a single day. Yes, two of those days only got a brisk walk or hike in, but the other seven days were running days. I ran between 2- 4.5 miles per day. I wanted to get solid exercise habits under my belt and knock my insecure doubting self to the curb. Believe it or not, I began to doubt that I actually even could be a runner anymore- it was wonderful to relegate that negative thought to the garbage can it belonged in. I’m feeling a pretty solid return to my good habits on Monday, when I return to school. I feel ready to, literally, hit the ground running.

Yesterday we headed north to see the tulips in Skagit Valley, to play on the beach and just roll around in the sun and love together. It was a great day. I was neither super active (it was sauntering around the tulip field and the hiking portion totaled .5 miles) nor was I terribly strict with my diet (pizza, pretzels, a million almonds, a zillion goldfish crackers and a mere two apple slices), but it was a perfect day, nonetheless.
I kept reflecting, while I was up there, that it was this same journey, last year at this time, was when I first realized the impact my inactivity had had on my family. It was the first time I felt sure enough on my feet and had faith in my endurance to attempt a 1/4 mile hike down to the beach and back. I remember being apprehensive about the return hike up the hill as I walked down, and shocked that it was no big deal when we finally ascended. It was the first time I saw, firsthand, the fruits of my efforts. It’s no coincidence that we were there again, when I’ve been feeling less determined, certainly less than last year. It was fun to retrace my steps and remember the strength I discovered last year.

Today we were back at it. We hit the streets as soon as we dropped the second kiddo off at school. I had a great eating day and am feeling pretty solid. We ran 2.8 miles today and did the hill again for a total of 3.8 miles. I also attempted a pull up. That was laughable. However, I did learn that I can actually support my own weight when I am hanging! In fact, I was hanging AND swinging and let go and jumped like a monkey. I felt pretty tough!>

So far, I’M DOING IT!
I wanted to start running more. Well, today I ran three miles and walked one mile-that last one was up a huge hill. Then, as if that wasn’t enough, I went out with the dog and the kids later for another mile!
Yesterday I brought my best too! I ran three and walked one then, too, hill and all. I’m doing it! I’m running and walking and being all active again and it feels good to realize that I still can. I’m crazy sore, my knees hurt, my hips hurt and my thighs are burning, but all in the best possible ways. I’m sore and it hurts so good! I wanted to kind of boot camp my booty back into gear, and it seems like it’s working so far! Color me happy.
And check this out:
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That’s right! I journaled my food today! I know, I’m such a good kid, right?!?! I discovered that I’ve been going waaaay over my calorie limits because I haven’t been exercising. No wonder I weigh, gulp, 211 right now. I’ve been eating like I’ve been exercising 900 calories of energy out every day when, truth be told, I’ve been binge watching The Office on Netflix and only making about 6000 steps per day.
I’m glad I decided to journal, too, as it made me very thoughtful all day. I was hyper aware of everything I put in my mouth because I was going to have to document it. I know that at this time last year I was almost obsessive about my intake so I had to back off on the journaling, but right now I think this is a really good thing. I think I’ll try to keep up with it all week in hopes that it will alter my habits for the better. Perhaps I should just make it regular habit for a while… Not a bad idea… Perhaps.
I’m feeling good. Strong again. It’s amazing what some extra sleep, a little exercise and a day of solid eating will do for a girl. Spring Break sure has done me good so far!
🙂

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Spring break started on Friday at 3:40. It was perfect timing. :). I looked like this right before I walked out the door (it was crazy hat day):

I have been having a really hard time lately with food. I’m wanting to eat and eat and eat. I think I can objectively say, at this point, that I am an emotional eater and I’m addicted to food. Or at least I was. I’m feeling things over the past few days that I haven’t felt in a long time. It’s confusing, to say the least.
I never knew that I sought out a feeling of fullness when I am feeling sad. I literally seek out the feeling of a full tummy, like, full to the point where it just starts to feel too full. Just on the edge of uncomfortable, and once I get to that place I feel satisfied… And then I feel disappointed in myself.
So, needless to say, this, again, has not been a stellar week for me. I had binge behavior almost every night and it was difficult to say no to myself… So I didn’t say no to myself. On Wednesday, Thursday and Friday nights, I found myself, swirling through the kitchen, seeking out things that we don’t have on our shelves. I wanted cake, ice cream, donuts, cookies, chips- anything other than the healthy stuff we keep around the house (Bradley does a good job of supporting me by keeping a clean {no junk food} house). Eventually I settled on some skittles we had left over from Jude’s birthday and lots of pop chips and came to the realization that I really can’t be downstairs after a certain point in the evening because I just want to graze the whole time. (We recently rearranged our rumpus room and we are hanging out in it a lot more, so having such ready access to the kitchen after dinner is a new thing for me.)
The good news? I am trying to be reasonable as I binge. While I’m definitely full of food, it is not really too many skittles and pop chips and is mostly tea and diet coke (which I had heretofore given up prior to this week). That said, the binge behavior really bothers me and I really don’t like feeling that lack of control over my food intake. Even this morning, I had a slice of pizza (homemade from last night) and after I ate it I was craving a slice of cake or something- which is bizarre in and of itself- so I ate some yogurt, but realistically I should have been done after the pizza. I didn’t need yogurt as well.
The hardest part about feeling like I’m failing as a dieter and exerciser is that I walk around feeling like a complete failure. A disgusting loser. I feel fat, jiggly and ugly, stupid, boring and, ultimately, like a huge disappointment to most people around me. All because I slipped on my body project. Intellectually I understand that this makes no sense, but it doesn’t change the way I feel about myself. When I look in the mirror I see myself 100 pounds ago- not the 207 pound girl who I have gotten to know lately.
I suppose I should just say that I need to get the diet back in control. That control makes me feel powerful, clean and like I’m doing this! I need to be using my determination strategies- you know- the ones I’m always talking about? Remembering that my destiny is mine to create, that ultimately this is my decision to make, that I am in control. I have the ability to not put things into my mouth that shouldn’t go there. I have the ability to be active anytime! I have the superpowers of Tamara Shazam! I just need to employ them more often.
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I’m grateful for Spring Break this week. I’m worn to a frazzle and, while weekends leave me rested and prepared to teach again the next week, I’m due for an extended healing period. I’m exhausted, emotionally drained and simply worn out. This will be a good week, indeed.
My plan is to get my exercise schedule going again in earnest. I’d like to work out every day this week, but we will see what actually happens.
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My plan when I started writing this post was to write about how I’m going to take a blog break. Really, though, I’m just avoiding my website because I’m not proud of myself right now. I want to write here when I’m being a powerful diet and exercise boss, not a weak, indecisive binger. The reality is, though, that writing and reflecting here is quite healing for me. Forcing myself to stop and write motivates me and confirms my thinking. I think that rather than writing less, I need to write more to maintain my focus and own my behavior a little more.

I’m including this picture because this was my non-scale victory of the week. I took my students to a pioneer village this week and actually went on the horse and buggy ride! I never would have forced that horse to pull me around many pounds back! It was so fun to not worry about that. 🙂

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We ran yesterday, then followed that up with a walk, then another walk. My daughter commented to me that we had a very exercisey day. My goal, when we headed out, was to just run. Lately I have been getting unnecessarily concerned about running long distances. If the distance is greater than about two miles it seems like I get worried about wearing out. My goal at the track yesterday was to intentionally lose track of how many times I went around, and it would seem that fate was on my side and my tracking app crashed not once, not twice but THREE TIMES! Blah!
At the end of it all I ended up running just a touch more than a 5K (according to my crashed app) at about ten minute miles. I was really happy to have made that distance and that time without thinking I was pushing too hard! I needed that to gain some confidence. After my spotty exercise record over the past few weeks, it was nice to prove to myself that I’ve still got it.
One of my favorite things that happened yesterday was that while we were at the track there was this group of 20-something year old men playing football. They had such zeal for being out on the field. Clearly they were enjoying the brisk, sunny, spring weather just like we were. For some reason I felt all proud of those guys. I know how hard it is to peel yourself off of the couch on a Sunday to go be active. They all did it and came together in the name of physical play and fun! It is so easy to submit to the couch and be lazy, but there we all were, at the track on a Sunday.
Furthermore, in non-scale victories, it was the first time I felt like I belonged at the track. I didn’t feel ashamed, like I was going to slow or that my ass jiggled to much. I didn’t feel like those guys were going to mock me or think about the fat, forty-something running around the track. I felt like I brought my own, did my thing, and didn’t really think about them. Afterwards, Bradley apologized that he left me and ran a few laps all fast and speedy style, leaving me to be possibly overcome with insecurities… But it wasn’t even a concern for me this time. What a great feeling!
That said, I’ve always believed I belonged at the track, intellectually. I just used to over-worry and over-think what others might have been thinking about me. It was a very real fear for a very silly non-concern.

Derpy run face pic of the day. I love to mock these, but secretly (you know, the secret is held between me and the entire internet, but we’ll go ahead and call it a ‘secret’, m’kay?) I’m proud that I even have a derpy run face at all. Those flared nostrils and open mouth? They just tell the world that I’m breathing hard because I’m working hard. If I were a dog, I would be panting. My red cheeks, forehead, chin, neck and entire body just show that my blood is coursing madly through my system, oxygenating my cells, driven by my healthy heart. I love my derpy run face pics!
But even still…
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It’s hard to let the derpy face stand alone. I took this today while we were on an observation at a different school. I took pictures of charts, graphs… and myself one time too! >