Spring Break

Spring break started on Friday at 3:40. It was perfect timing. :). I looked like this right before I walked out the door (it was crazy hat day):

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I have been having a really hard time lately with food. I’m wanting to eat and eat and eat. I think I can objectively say, at this point, that I am an emotional eater and I’m addicted to food. Or at least I was. I’m feeling things over the past few days that I haven’t felt in a long time. It’s confusing, to say the least.
I never knew that I sought out a feeling of fullness when I am feeling sad. I literally seek out the feeling of a full tummy, like, full to the point where it just starts to feel too full. Just on the edge of uncomfortable, and once I get to that place I feel satisfied… And then I feel disappointed in myself.
So, needless to say, this, again, has not been a stellar week for me. I had binge behavior almost every night and it was difficult to say no to myself… So I didn’t say no to myself. On Wednesday, Thursday and Friday nights, I found myself, swirling through the kitchen, seeking out things that we don’t have on our shelves. I wanted cake, ice cream, donuts, cookies, chips- anything other than the healthy stuff we keep around the house (Bradley does a good job of supporting me by keeping a clean {no junk food} house). Eventually I settled on some skittles we had left over from Jude’s birthday and lots of pop chips and came to the realization that I really can’t be downstairs after a certain point in the evening because I just want to graze the whole time. (We recently rearranged our rumpus room and we are hanging out in it a lot more, so having such ready access to the kitchen after dinner is a new thing for me.)
The good news? I am trying to be reasonable as I binge. While I’m definitely full of food, it is not really too many skittles and pop chips and is mostly tea and diet coke (which I had heretofore given up prior to this week). That said, the binge behavior really bothers me and I really don’t like feeling that lack of control over my food intake. Even this morning, I had a slice of pizza (homemade from last night) and after I ate it I was craving a slice of cake or something- which is bizarre in and of itself- so I ate some yogurt, but realistically I should have been done after the pizza. I didn’t need yogurt as well.
The hardest part about feeling like I’m failing as a dieter and exerciser is that I walk around feeling like a complete failure. A disgusting loser. I feel fat, jiggly and ugly, stupid, boring and, ultimately, like a huge disappointment to most people around me. All because I slipped on my body project. Intellectually I understand that this makes no sense, but it doesn’t change the way I feel about myself. When I look in the mirror I see myself 100 pounds ago- not the 207 pound girl who I have gotten to know lately.
I suppose I should just say that I need to get the diet back in control. That control makes me feel powerful, clean and like I’m doing this! I need to be using my determination strategies- you know- the ones I’m always talking about? Remembering that my destiny is mine to create, that ultimately this is my decision to make, that I am in control. I have the ability to not put things into my mouth that shouldn’t go there. I have the ability to be active anytime! I have the superpowers of Tamara Shazam! I just need to employ them more often.
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I’m grateful for Spring Break this week. I’m worn to a frazzle and, while weekends leave me rested and prepared to teach again the next week, I’m due for an extended healing period. I’m exhausted, emotionally drained and simply worn out. This will be a good week, indeed.
My plan is to get my exercise schedule going again in earnest. I’d like to work out every day this week, but we will see what actually happens.
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My plan when I started writing this post was to write about how I’m going to take a blog break. Really, though, I’m just avoiding my website because I’m not proud of myself right now. I want to write here when I’m being a powerful diet and exercise boss, not a weak, indecisive binger. The reality is, though, that writing and reflecting here is quite healing for me. Forcing myself to stop and write motivates me and confirms my thinking. I think that rather than writing less, I need to write more to maintain my focus and own my behavior a little more.

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I’m including this picture because this was my non-scale victory of the week. I took my students to a pioneer village this week and actually went on the horse and buggy ride! I never would have forced that horse to pull me around many pounds back! It was so fun to not worry about that. πŸ™‚

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8 Comments

  1. Please don’t stop writing during hard times! I’m a fairly new reader from Canada and I just love how honest you are, and candid. Writing during tough times is healing for you, yes, but it’s also healing for your readers! Sometimes my eating schedule doesn’t go as planned, or I binge, or I find myself disappointed with my lack of commitment towards exercise one week, and it’s kind of nice to see that someone else goes through the same things and finds their way out of it. Misery loves company! You are an inspiration but you have to allow yourself to also be human…life happens, but ya just keep going, and remind yourself often of your accomplishments – they are huge!

    • Tamara

      Thanks for saying this. I hate to be a downer and allow my concern over weighing other people down with my first world problems to override my need to hold myself accountable here. I, too, find it comforting when my favorite bloggers go through tough times because it humanizes them and provides me with a model for getting back up on the horse. One would think I would realize e same can be said of me! Thank you, Lisa, for writing. It is so nice to hear from people who follow me. Cheers for continued success moving forward. πŸ™‚

  2. Amy

    I am actively trying to lose weight as well, and have a long history with binge behavior. The biggest lesson that I have learned is to HALT. Never let myself become too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, and I can stay binge free. If one of those gets too out of balance, you can find me with my mouth full and my hand reaching into the pantry for more. It sounds like you may be too tired and need to rest (physically, emotionally,
    Spiritually). I hope you find a way to binge feed your soul this week, instead of your mouth. πŸ™‚

    • Tamara

      I’ve never heard of HALT before, but, like you, I also eat under those conditions. Combine any of those triggers and it gets really hard! Thank you for the tool/ acronym. I totally think this will help me process things a little more clearly.

      • Amy

        I can also substitute anxious for Angry– maybe it should be HAALT. When I’m worried about something (especially when it’s out of my control), I am triggered to eat. I hope that the tool helps you, too! You are doing amazing things and your journey gives me so much hope! I have lost 25 pounds and have so much more to go. I hope you continue to blog when things are easy and not so easy– because that’s real. And the blog-o-sphere needs more real. πŸ™‚

        • Tamara

          Yes! The anxiety is really what wears me down. Congrats on losing 25 pounds, Ms. Amazeballs! I won’t stop blogging. I’m too much of a passive extrovert- meaning I’m kinda shy and fairly insecure but still feel the need to bray my entire life across the internet. πŸ™‚ I would love to email you sometime if you’re cool with that. You seem kinda like my kind of people. πŸ™‚

  3. Carmen

    I’m a follower from Georgia. I read your blog while doing middle of the night feedings to my baby. I find you inspirational and REAL… You have struggles and you get through them. This is just a bump in the road. You’ll get through it, but don’t beat yourself up. You would tell your students that same advice, right?
    Enjoy your spring break, get refreshed and get back on track. But don’t beat yourself up. πŸ˜‰

    • Tamara

      Your words made me cry, Carmen. Seriously. Thank you for the support and thank you for reading. I’m glad I can keep you company on those long, quiet stretches of baby feeding. Enjoy (the baby, mostly, but the blog too!)

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