Month: April 2014

When I committed to running this half marathon thing, I was all enthusiasm, all belief, all excited because I just knew I could! I still know I can, but oh my goodness! I’m tired. Sooooo tired. But I’m sticking with it. Today was my third run for the week (My weeks go Sunday-Saturday) and I even followed through with my weight training last night. I’m staying the course, and I’m pretty proud. Tomorrow I’ll rest, and my long run will be Saturday, after the heat wave has left the lovely PNW.

Today’s run was not easy. I actually ran all three miles with times in the upper 11’s. I’m not worried about time, but that is slow, even for me! At one point, during the last quarter mile, I started freaking out and had to try not to cry. I just got so tired. So hot. So sweaty. So panicky… Bradley had to talk me down from that ledge, reminding me that I went from running 6 miles a week to running 12 miles in the last five days, that today was 80 degrees- the first authentically warm day of the year, and most importantly, that I can still do this. I did. I finished strong, or at least finished.

At the end of the run we needed to go pick up our kids from a friend’s house so we walked on over, still in our sweaty running clothes. Upon our arrival, Jude’s buddy let us know that we could just hang out for a while if we wanted- we didn’t need to rush off (and take our kids with us)! Then he disappeared into the house and came back with a cheese stick and a bottle of water- which he poured into the nearest cup, possibly used. It was, hands down, one of the sweetest things a child has ever done for me. I slugged that water down and ate my cheese stick. It was the perfect thing!

g

Prepare to have your mind blown: I’m going to tell you my secrets to starting running.
Ready?
Go outside and RUN! LOL!
It’s that easy.
Except it is and it isn’t. I know, that was super snarky and snotty of me and I hate those people who say things like, “Just get off the couch and do it.” To a certain degree, there is truth in that. That said, the hardest steps for me to take are the first ones that lead me to my workout clothes. After that, the wheels are in motion and I can get going, but actually getting off the couch and into the running clothes then outside is sometimes the most difficult part of the whole run.
But I would never say it’s that easy. The mental hurdles are often the most difficult to overcome.
***
Why I started running:
Running always seemed so romantic to me. REAL athletes are runners, in my mind. Like, reading is the gateway to pretty much any knowledge, running seems the same in the exercise world. If you can run, anything else is possible. Running seems primal, animal, at the root of our humanity. We are meant to run and experience the runner’s high, the feeling of our body in motion, the feeling of giving our all. Not experiencing that seemed to me a little bit like not experiencing something that is inborn in us. Like not traveling, or graduating from college. It just seemed like one of those things I was supposed to do as a part of being human, otherwise I was going to be disappointed in myself as an old lady. (I’m telling you, that old lady -the one who shares my name- the one who lurks in my future bossing me around- she’s a real toughie and is always harping on me to take better care of myself so she can enjoy her sunset years. Like it’s all about her… It is. LOL!)
I flirted with running as a kid. I looked at runners and thought that if I could do that, I would be a real badass. Running takes dedication, endurance and strength, though, so I didn’t believe I was going to be able to do it. At age 15, after a couple of laps around the block dressed in my finest summer shorts with long johns underneath paired with supportive Keds, I gave up. Too sweaty, too hard, not me.
A few years ago, Bradley started running and I started power walking. As he became a more capable runner I started wondering what it would be like to run, better yet, what it would be like to run with my husband. To become one of those couples. It seemed like fun. But once again, I pushed it off. I was a walker. Not a runner. I knew this.
Then I saw Katie Foster from Runs For Cookies. She was a heavy girl who started running and lost a bunch of weight, going from the 250’s to the 130’s in a year! She started eating right, but with the running, she was also able to have a treat every day that made her feel like she hadn’t given all of the ‘good’ stuff up. She didn’t believe in a diet, rather using self control. She said I shouldn’t eliminate the things I enjoy unless I was planning to do that forever. Instead I should make calorie allowances for them. I realized I was more than willing to make that deal with myself- as long as I was committed to exercise, I could still eat things like ice cream! Sign me up!
After I ‘met’ Katie, I started researching running. There are a lot of naysayers who talk about impact injuries, knee replacements and all of the health problems that come from running, and, while those injuries do happen, it’s less than non-runners like to believe. On top of that, I realized that I can run until my knees blow out and I’ll still be healthy, or I can eat until my heart gives out and be dead. I’d rather be a paraplegic than dead. I choose running. And I don’t mean to be flip or arrogant or implying that being paraplegic is trivial, I just mean life, healthy, is better than being dead and missing out on my kids. So I decided to go for it. I decided to become a runner.
As I continued to research my newest hobby, I learned that running kicks booty as far as what it does for your body. It teaches endurance. It builds muscle. It works your heart. It burns many more calories than other forms of exercise and it’s badass enough that running makes me feel strong and capable. That self perception is important. I’d better think running is cool otherwise I’m totally not going to do the work to call myself that brand of athlete.
Best of all? All you need is a pair of good sneakers. You can run anywhere, anytime in any clothing. It certainly is more pleasant in the right attire, but you get my point. I didn’t have to join a gym and I don’t have to drive to it or purchase anything. It levels the excuses right out!
That’s why I chose running.

How I started running:
My running schedule came straight from, you guessed it, Runs For Cookies Katie! Seriously, you guys, I just went and studied up on Katie and started doing what she did. She’s amazing!
I started with a goal of 30 minutes of exercise. My running built up in small increments over time (with rests in between some of the days) like this:
Day 1: run 30 seconds, walk 29 minutes 30 seconds
Day 2: run one minute, walk 29 minutes
Day 3: run two minutes, walk 28 minutes
Day 4: run four minutes, walk 26 minutes
Day 5: run six minutes, walk 24 minutes
Day 6: run eight minutes, walk 22 minutes
I planned to continue like this, but I kept realizing that it wasn’t as hard as I had always thought it would be. Around this time, I decided to run my first mile. It was a lot of work, but the glory I felt was pretty incredible! After I ran that mile, I stopped worrying so much about how much I could do and started wondering how much I was truly capable of. My longest distance to date is a little over five miles and my fastest mile is 8:12. I never thought I’d run a mile, ever, much less one in that time, and the fact that I ran five in a row last summer like it wasn’t a big deal still can boggle my mind.
One of the things that Katie said, that was important for me, was to not focus on speed, focus on endurance. Set a time and go for that, as slow as you need. She said that sometimes you could probably walk faster than you were running, but enduring that motion was important. She said speed would come with practice. For me, she was exactly right. These days I go back and forth. Sometimes I run for distance and others I run for time. When I’m running distance it’s for training. Running for a length of time is just a cardio workout. I much prefer to run to train over the joy of cardio.

Curvy Runner-Girl Clothing:
Wear compression gear and support gear- as much as you need. If you’ve lost weight or, simply, have weight, you know that running also means bouncing flesh. Not only does my wobbly, fatty flesh’s very existence irritate me, it also calls a lot of attention to itself when I run. It wants to bounce out of my bra, out of my pants out from under my shirt… My skin gets to shaking and who knows what is going to fly out?! I swear, my stomach is like a hammock with a cantaloupe in it!
Bras and jockstraps were invented for a reason- to hold flying bits in place and keep active folks from hurting themselves. People with hanging skin issues like mine have to protect themselves similarly. I wear maidenform shapewear that I buy in the shapewear section of Ross for less than 8.00 a piece. I wear it all the time except when I have a bathing suit or pajamas on. Last summer I tried skipping it on a few runs, but ended up with rashes where my belly skin rubs against itself. Holding it still not only is more attractive, it also is less painful.
I’m also a strong believer in dressing the part. I purchase exercise gear as I need and when something particularly cute shows up. I like to feel like I fit in when I exercise, and wearing 8 year old sweats and a baggy t-shirt makes me feel unattractive and like a poser. My running tights, however much they cling to my curves, are not only more functional (spandex is tight so you don’t have extra fabric and it glides, so your thighs have very little friction), I also feel like a bonafide runner in them.
I’m a big fan of the bras Brooks sells and love Target’s workout gear. Btw- 2X in the Target Active section fit me when I was a 22-24 down to when I was an 18. Lotsa stretch- don’t be afraid to try things on, and remember, you’ll shrink out of them if your stick with the exercise. Plus? Those little tight Capri running tights? They are only the best thing to wear around the house EVAH. Yes, even better than yoga pants. Ross has lots of workout gear as well, but you have to be pickier about fit. I ended up with several pairs that seem intent on sharing which underwear I’m wearing with passers by all the time rather than keeping me clothed.

Today was day one of Team Awesome (Team Awesome consists of my husband, me and anyone else who reads this site). We rose and shone extra shinily this morning and immediately committed to a three mile run. I dressed in my Mickey Mouse shirt for my inaugural training run, because unbeknownst to my running partner, today was day one of Operation Team Awesome Trains for a Half Marathon (yes, I am making this name up as I go). But it really was the first day of training and my husband didn’t know that training started today. He said, after, that if I’m trying for a half marathon then he is too. Since we run together, I have a partner by default! LOL!
He has been feeling under the weather and was also wavering in his belief in himself. For some reason, he thought he was out of shape and no longer capable of running. Having been there only last week, I reminded him that half the battle is proving to yourself that you’ve still got it. That you still can. And the only way to do that is to hit the street with a run in mind and prove yourself up. It’s amazing what negative self talk can do to a person.
I had the opposite experience. Today was a superhero day- one of those workouts where you feel indomitable; it was the kind of workout that would annoy people. Why? I kept saying loudly, “I’m so loving this workout today! I’m having the best time!” And other obnoxious things like that. If today were the half marathon, I promise that I would have enjoyed the heck out of finishing it. It was such a fun run. I’m so glad I’ve figured out how to love running again. Races are important to me. Without one in front of me, I find it real easy to slack off.
So, training…
My goal this week is to hit 13 miles. That means I’ll do three runs of three miles a piece, and one run of four miles. I’ll. probably get the four miler next Saturday. I need to do strength training two days and I can take one day off of everything to rest. Probably Friday. I think I will do this next week, too, as I amp up my mileage and get used to putting distance behind me.

{on a recent hike}
***
I’m walking around on a training high. I’m ridiculously excited about this whole half marathon thing. I think I allowed a fear of failure to control my can-do (or can’t-do) attitude about the half marathon last year, and had talked myself out of even trying. It was just going to be too hard. Recently, however, I haven’t had a firm, long-term goal in front of me and started not liking running as much. It’s funny how having the goal of a race in front of me gets me so jazzed!
Anyhow, I found this Hal Higdon schedule for twelve weeks of training until I should be able to run 13.1 miles. Basically, there are four runs a week, three ‘easy’ runs and one longer run. The mileage increases little by little over the weeks, with two days of strength training/stretching and one day of rest worked in per week. I think I’m going to try to stick to the schedule, except I’m going to work a few slower runs into the beginning and extend the early phase a little bit while I build up my running endurance again. My body gets sore, lately, which tells me that I probably need to start out a little bit slow. Maybe not, but I can make that adjustment as I go.
I think I’m really going to go for it. I feel like if I get going on this project, all of my goals will kind of work themselves out. The training will make me burn calories, thus getting me closer to my goal of weighing 170. Running will make me stronger, both physically and mentally. Committing to the half marathon feels a lot like last year when I committed to my first 5K, I’m terrifically motivated and so excited to prove to myself that I can do it! I have to prove my naysaying side wrong.
Incidentally, I went online to look for some fun, local races and quickly got overwhelmed. There are so many races out there… I’m open to suggestions. I’m looking to run a few races over the summer, culminating in a half marathon in the fall. And only in the fall because I don’t relish running that long in August on a day that might be 100 degrees. Or 75. Whatever, hot is hot and I would like to hedge my bets for cooler weather.
***
On a side note, the kids are getting better and I’m being a good kid in both exercise and nutrition. It feels good to be back on track!

Today we had no students at school. One would think that when we don’t have kids in the room that we would leave all refreshed for the day, but I’m always surprised at how exhausted I am on non-student Fridays. Phew! So it should be no surprise to anyone that after I got home I was not interested in running or walking or anything. The yawns started as soon as I walked through the door and I started talking myself out of going for a run. Then I just downgraded it to a walk, but in my running clothes, just in case I felt like running.
I made some coffee, to boost my energy before I headed out. As I drank it, I reflected on a conversation I had with one of my favorite people from work. We were talking about blogging and goals and blogging goals and I got all excited about my body project and my blog. I made a decision: I’m going to start training for the Disney Princess Half Marathon!.
Like I said in my last post: there’s no reason I shouldn’t be running five miles regularly after I’ve been training this long. I’ve been running for over a year and I still don’t run more than three miles regularly. Truth be told, I usually pare my distance down to 1.5 miles, just enough to get my heart going and I feel like I burned calories for 20 minutes. There’s nothing wrong with doing a minimal 20 minute workout, but I also need to be pushing myself. With the goal of the half marathon ahead of me, I feel motivated all of the sudden. I’m not sure when I’ll do the Disney half marathon- in 2015 or 2016, but I’m going to shoot for a local half marathon around Christmas with a couple of 5Ks and 10Ks this summer to propel me forward. Perhaps I’m naive, and of course I’m going to do some research, but that seems reasonable to me.
So, anyways, back to my cup of coffee and reflective thoughts… I was sipping away, talking myself out of the run and regretting my decision to run that stupid half marathon. And I said it aloud! I was going to run a half marathon! To Becca!
Then I had this moment of clarity. I realized a few things. First, I want to lose weight and running is an excellent weight loss tool, obv. Second, I love the pride I feel after a run, and I thought of how smug I feel (to lazy Tamara, not to the world) after a run, and, let’s face it, I feel hella proud after a run. I wanted to feel all of that! So I did it! I squelched my yawns and committed to three times around the small block, three miles. Then I went out and I did it! I came home and felt awesome. Fabulous. Recommitted.

I feel happy tonight. I feel strong. I’m so excited to have a goal in front of me again, and I’m so glad to feel a drive for forward momentum again!
***
Oh… And guess who has Facebook now??
:)>

{A heart trillium, drawn by my true love }
We’ve been sick for over a week. Well, not me, the kids and, to a lesser degree but still impactive, Bradley. It hit last Tuesday afternoon, and since then we’ve been to the doctor twice and have a regiment of heavy medications we are giving our kids at regular intervals. It stinks to have sick kids. Both have/had a weird form of strep that has/had them throwing up, boiling with fevers in the 103’s and flat on their backs. Jude is finally on the mend in a big way (read: overly energetic and less than patient), but Gigi has it bad. She was kind of funny, as Spring Break wore down and she wished it wouldn’t end. She even wished she could be sick, just to avoid school! Well, she got her wish in a big, bad way and she now wishes she could take her wish back! The poor kiddo.

Within that matrix we’ve just been keeping our heads above water. We are rife with laundry and needy kids, snuggles, trips for Slurpees and have been crashing into bed at 8:30 at night. We are clean tuckered!

I wish I could say I’m cruising along beautifully, losing weight, running like a pro, but I’m just maintaining. I keep thinking that maybe I need to take a break from this, that perhaps I should pick the weightloss and exercise project up again when the school year is over and I can really focus, but that is what quitting kind of sounds like too. I was remarking to my husband that to is the longest I’ve ever kept weight off after a loss. Usually when I have any success I turn around and gain it all back in a matter of months. This time I’ve been keeping it off for a while. That feels like progress. I don’t want to go backwards. I can’t ‘take a break’. That’s simply letting go of this project. I have to fight for this.

We’ve been walking a bit, running too. Nothing too strenuous as I feel like we are both teetering on the edge of getting sick too. I’m sure it’s just paranoia, but this stuff is tenacious! Usually when illness is going around and I’m in a solid run cycle I can outrun the cold or flu. I feel like breathing like that, when I’m running, really flushes out my lungs. Maybe I’m crazy, but, whatever. Since I’ve started running I’m hardly ever sick. I also know that once, when I was on the cusp of being all better, I went for a run and exasperated my lungs to the point of getting bronchitis. Maybe not, but I know that I was feeling better, went for a run, then battled for two more days after that and had to get antibiotics.

…As I’m writing that, I smell an excuse. Really, I just don’t want to run. I’m tiiiired. Wah wah, right? Quit whining and work out. Do something. Stop it, Tamara! Ugh. So annoyed with myself right now. I saw Jennifer from fat chick to fit chick just finished her first half marathon. I have total running envy. I should be running that too. I should at least be doing regular five milers. I really need to kick my ass into gear. Tomorrow there are no excuses. Tomorrow I will run.

My favorite Easter Egg ‘hiding’ spot of the year goes to 3 foot Vader and his pal Spider-Man:

My son has had the worst cough all week… Throwing up from the nasty cough, fevers, the whole nine yards. My husband finally succumbed to the fever yesterday and today we took the kids to the doctor and my daughter registered a fever while we were there. My tonsils turned into rocks last night, so we decided to hunker down today and have a family illness day (after the doctor’s visit and fortifying Slurpees were purchased, of course). We were all sick, sneezing, coughing, breaking fevers and reigniting them all day. At one point, I was in my bed, feverish kids piled on me, perfectly content. It’s funny how sometimes it takes a literal illness to make you slow down and just enjoy the feeling of children wrapped around your body for the afternoon. I suppose the flu isn’t all bad.

Oh, and this morning I weighed in at 207!!! I’m getting closer and closer again and it feels so satisfying.

As I was going through this break, I tried to be really reflective about the thoughts and feelings I was having when I would struggle with anxiety and want to fill my face with a food binge. Apparently, I have a few key strategies to work through my anxiety that I have used over the past several years: eating, television, exercise, intimacy, music and excessive attention. I’m not saying that these are all practices that are great strategies, they’re just the ones I fall back on when others get out of balance.
When I’m having uncontrollable thoughts, putting something in my mouth is the easiest way to distract myself and this week I have fallen into that trap repeatedly. The crunch of something between my teeth, something sweet to give my brain a brief high note- food is a beautiful distraction. There’s nothing that so completely takes over my brain like food. Seeking it, making it, looking at it, smelling it, eating it- food is a whole brain distraction for me. No wonder I used it to chill my brain out so often.
Television is another addictive habit I have. Mostly, I have broken it and I’m pretty much one of those annoying people who doesn’t really watch TV. Except I do. I like to watch TV to turn off the voices in my head. Having a narrative going in my head distracts me enough that I can cover up the bad self talk I have going and it helps to stop worrying about all that stupid little stuff. I find that falling asleep to a comedy series like Friends or The Office allows my brain to shut down faster, to the point where I don’t even need to see the pictures, I just need to hear voices talking. I use meditations, books on tape and actual streaming TV with headphones, sometimes, to make my brain quiet.
Exercise is a newer strategy, and it’s probably the most difficult strategy to pull out of my back pocket when I’m feeling overwhelmed. But it’s also the very best. If I go for a run when I’m feeling like life is too much, I fight it for about the first mile. After I get through that torture, my brain starts to make a shift and I start feeling so much better. The endorphins start rolling through me and it is the cleanest, best pick me up I know of when I’m out of control; really it’s the one I should turn to above all else! When my run is over, I’m usually feeling just fine and can continue my day like a normal person.
Intimacy is the strategy that I don’t like to write about here the most. I’m a teacher and, while it is acknowledged that we have private lives, we are like parents to everyone and no one wants to hear about what happens behind our closed doors! That said, having focused 1:1 time with my husband can change my entire outlook on everything. Human touch, loving feelings, good endorphins- I need them all and quite often! To that end, we have an understanding with each other and try to support one another as often as we need to keep this in balance. When I’m missing out on my husband’s attention, I can turn into a pouty little brat, and when the pouty little brat comes out she also wants to eat crappy food because a brat, by definition, does and demands what she wants when she wants it regardless of how bad or selfish the choices are, and I am no different! It’s silly – but vital- to consider how important this aspect of my life and marriage are!
The others, music and excessive attention, are definitely things I use, but not nearly to the degree I use the others. I make really specific playlists that target being and thinking positively, that target being understanding, that target being in love, being empathetic and being happy. I put the headphones on and close out the world and life rights itself nicely, through music, sometimes. And excessive attention? Who doesn’t love a massage from their spouse? An opportunity to be babied a little? We all need that from time to time.
I think, though, the point of writing about this was to look at what has happened over the past few weeks that has thrown me for this loop. My work life has been taking way too much of my private life up through worry, obsessive thought and too much conversation, not to mention the physical and emotional drain it takes in the moment. I was getting too worn down and stopped exercising- which is one of the best strategies to make me feel good! I made up for that by adding some food binge behavior into my day to day. Because I was tired, I wasn’t as good about getting the kids to bed on time and I ended up cutting my intimacy time short from my husband. I made that up by, you guessed it, adding more food into my day. What I’ve been doing is systematically ditching my positive, affirming life skills and returning to the one tried-and-true-always-works-and-fixes-everything strategy of stuffing my face. Not good.
But it was so good to have had the reflection time that allowed me to see myself a little more clearly. It’s also good to realize that just by losing weight, my body is in a stress mode and I’ve taken one of my primary coping tools (binging) away from myself. I have to acknowledge that it has been really hard to do that and I’ve made remarkable progress. I have to give myself credit for that. But I also need to use that as motivation for moving forward. Look how happy I am! Look how good I feel! Look how healthy I am now! Look how active I can be! That’s all because I’ve changed out the negative behaviors for ones that build me up and make me into a strong, vital woman. The binging makes me feel tired and negative and has the exact opposite effect, long term, than I’m seeking.
My goal is to eliminate the binge behavior. I feel like the first step in doing that is actually acknowledging that I actually have an issue with binging. It wasn’t until I ‘met’ Katie from Runs For Cookies that I actually realized I had those same behaviors that she described as binging. I used to think that a binge every once in a while wasn’t a big deal, so a weekend of pizza, chips and donuts wasn’t a great sacrifice for me. Now I know, though, that it is a huge deal; I can gain 5-15 pounds in a 2-5 day span. My weight wasn’t gained through day to day bad eating habits, I gained through a series of binges over many years.
My job now is to keep it reigned in every day forever and ever amen, hallelujah.
It will be that easy.
Not!
But I’m up for the challenge. 🙂

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I’ve made no secret of my struggle over the past few weeks. Exercise has been hard, eating has been hard… I’ve just been finding the whole determination thing harder than it was last spring. I know that part of that is lacking the enthusiasm for a new project, being bored of losing weight and burnt out on counting calories. It just gets exhausting to be this vigilant, know what I mean?
I’m glad to say that over this break I have met my goals, pretty much. I’m at the peak of PMS, so I don’t have a realistic weigh-in scale report to share (I have 3-7 pound weight fluctuations at this time that really mess with me, so I try to stay off the scale during the last week or so of my cycle), but I am tremendously pleased to report that I exercised like a beast this break. I did not slack a single day. Yes, two of those days only got a brisk walk or hike in, but the other seven days were running days. I ran between 2- 4.5 miles per day. I wanted to get solid exercise habits under my belt and knock my insecure doubting self to the curb. Believe it or not, I began to doubt that I actually even could be a runner anymore- it was wonderful to relegate that negative thought to the garbage can it belonged in. I’m feeling a pretty solid return to my good habits on Monday, when I return to school. I feel ready to, literally, hit the ground running.