It’s been an interesting trip from being morbidly obese to simply ‘overweight’. Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite. Like, I’m all about the body positive movement while I’m also losing weight and trying to get skinnier… ‘To be healthy…’ Certainly, at first, my focus needed to be on health as the looks thing never was motivating to me and because it’s pretty unpredictable how you will look when you start lose weight. It doesn’t always net a more universally pretty body, once your clothes are off.
As I’ve lost weight and grown more as a person, I’ve come to realize that I DO like the smaller body and, at least for me, it’s working a lot better and feels a lot healthier. When I lose pounds, I AM excited for the number shift, the size shift and for being smaller. I like the way smaller looks on me. If this is because of a more societally acceptable standard is presented or is simply my preference, I’m not really overly concerned about finding out why I feel this way. I think that as it became more tangible, losing weight for my appearance reasons became more and more ok with me, and I’m ok with that. I know that I started out this adventure with the right frame of mind, and I haven’t lost that focus, I’ve just started allowing myself to appreciate the the appearance benefits too. It’s ok to feel good about myself and about how I look.
My focus is more health, but I have to admit that vanity also plays a role now. I feel ok about that, though, because I’ve accepted the ‘ugly’ parts of me- the saggy, baggy skin that is wrinkly and hangs all over my thighs and torso- I think it’s really pretty and interesting. Like evidence of my hard work. The museum walk, the giant scar that I wear. I don’t post picture of my saggy skin for two reason: students and ex boyfriends. But I want to. I want to share my saggy baggy skin but I imagine ex boyfriends looking me up online and making their way to my website, checking out my skin… Or just people I knew but don’t really anymore… It just feels too intimate and weird. And for my students to see it feels wildly inappropriate. Silly, it’s just skin on my body, but still.
I also have to say that, for me at least, being lighter is a healthier thing for me. Being skinnier allows me to be strong. My size allows me to be more active with less stress on my body. The things I like to do, the exercise I choose benefits from weighing less… Not to mention the health benefits that come from weighing less. Had I not lost weight I would have type II diabetes right now, if my doctor’s prediction would have come true. I certainly wouldn’t have played tennis with my family today after taking the dog for a walk and running a little over three miles and I certainly wouldn’t have ended my day glorying in the beauty of the indigo sky, the tree blossoms, the bird songs, the soft springlike air or any of it because I would have probably been sitting inside.
The water experiement has been interesting. As soon as I started drinking it, my weight rocketed up to 206-208, depending. I finally had to admit that part of my weightloss was due to dehydration as I hadn’t seen 202.8 since Valentines Day, but have been religious about exercise and nutrition. This week I dropped to a consistent 206, then 204 and now today, I’m back to a well hydrated 202.4. I know I keep saying it, but it feels more right than ever to finally cross over the threshold into the 100’s again and I’m ready. I feel it.