Summer Daze

My default finally seems to trend toward health.  It feels like I’ve retrained myself because I was not comfortable with what was happening to me over the spring.  After a lifetime of seeking a  healthier balance, it feels good to know that my natural leaning is away from choices that will compromise me long term.  Today I went on my second run of the summer season- It’s silly how I second-guess myself so much. I’ve been quietly doubting my ability to return to running after my year off due to my injury coupled with the huge work caseload. I honestly thought that were it not for the two 1/2 marathons looming in late August (The Iron Horse Half Marathon) and September (Beat the Blerch) that I may not have returned to being a runner at all. Now I clearly see that it’s all a head game for me and how my power of self can be compromised just by my own self doubt. It feels incredible to be getting my mojo back! It was also pretty awesome to visit the best smelling rose in the world today, too.  I just love that thing!  I will run an extra half mile just for the opportunity to smell it, and good thing I did today.  This bloom is about to drop and it will be a few weeks before she sends some new ones up.

Last night marked our annual end of the year party for the big kid.  She had two friends over and they burned homework, went book shopping, ate junk, played guitars, laughed, sang and slept in a tent.  It was such a classic summer night.  Bradley and Jude had a sleepover in the boy’s room which left me alone with Fred in my big bed.  I slept like a stone and woke up with a clear head and some summer goals for myself:

  1. Relax.  Take the time to pull yourself together.  Meditate.  Build positive habit energy that is not rooted in stress or anxiety.  Build resilience.
  2. Run often.  Three regular runs a week with one long run is best, but three runs total is also ok.  Add one mile per week to the long run and get as close to the half marathon distance as possible by the end of August.  This week we will run four to five miles as our long run and will increase from there.  When we reach the milestones of six, eight, ten and twelve, we get medals!
  3. Attend body pump classes 2-3 times a week.  Remember: It’s ok to lift and run on the same day.  Zumba is fun, but don’t focus on taking Zumba classes.  Spin and weights.
  4. Pay attention to diet, but mostly just to avoid gaining weight.  Focus mostly on healthy eating and building good dietary habits.  Lose weight in the fall.
  5. Be crafty.  It’s another kind of therapy.  Work on school, but let the craftiness also be for my soul, not just my job.

June Happened

June totally happened for-ev-er!  Holy cow- that was the longest end of year e-vah!  My last contract day didn’t happen until June 27th.  I joked about how funny it was that I could actually do Independence Day themed art and it was relevant!  I’ve never had that happen before- honestly that part was kind of novel and fun.  What wasn’t fun was that the kids were SO done by the second to last week and it was just keeping the lid on the boiling pot.  We made it through to the other side, though, and as of Wednesday I was a classroom free woman!  I replaced it, however, with a house to clean and redecorate for summer, so I rolled into that all hardcore on Wednesday and finally, by Thursday, it was summer.  Except I was depressed, of course, so I selfishly went for my first run of the summer, shopped at Goodwill, made crafts, watched Real Housewives and snuggled up on my man until I felt like myself again.  It’s so good to be back!

On Friday I rejoined the gym.  My friend Patty invited me to a Zumba class and after…  I’m now a member again. I don’t even know how it happened so fast! I jumped after the term ‘limited time’ was bandied around which had the just right effect of making me panic and fear losing it so I did it! Lol! I didn’t get the absolute best deal, but I did get the deal that had no sign up fee AND allows me to go to all of the gyms, and that’s what I really want. Now, to figure out my body pump class schedule.  I’m really excited to get some good form and solid muscle build.  I feel like if I get some solid training and confidence under my belt then I can take training into my own hands.  I have a friend group who has pointed out to me where the fit people are and where the chubby people are- toned, muscled people are generally on the weight machines.  Focusing entirely on cardio without building muscle is only doing part of what I need to do for my health. When I looked at the class schedule, I saw that 24 Hour Fitness has boosted their class schedule, and between my two gyms I should be able to hit things pretty well this summer.  Between the gym classes and half marathon training, I should be in good shape again for my 44th birthday!

I’m super chubby and heavy right now.  I have a pretty solid sugar addiction and a weigh in hovering around 210-212.  While I’m not thrilled with the gain, I’m focusing on the exercise side of things for now.  I know how summer goes and I don’t usually do very well losing fat during the summer.  Come September, I get back on the eating schedule provided by the public school system, so I’ll hit that side then.  Maybe September and October can be focused on chipping away at my twenty pound gain!

Finding Happy 

My soul is filled when I’m in the trees.  I was explaining to my students the other day how to look at things with poet’s eyes; to look for small moments with big feelings and explore that and the thing I came back to over and over is how my heart swells like a sponge in a rainstorm when I breathe hard and sweat in the forest.  Hiking is my my prayer at my church with cathedral trees and wildlife parishioners.  Sometimes I’m moved to tears, but almost always I feel healed and whole afterwards.  When we are cruising along on longer hikes I allow myself to deeply daydream, meditate and breathe independently as I make my way up the mountainside, with my people but totally in my own world.  It sounds a little cheesy, but things that are pure like that usually are often uncomfortably so.  This weekend I got to go with my Gigi.  We held hands, chatted, giggled, were quiet, thoughtful and reigned in the dog while we hustled down to the water then back up again.  I remarked that we know one another as runners now and know when to walk and when to run together; our secret language.  I loved her pretty deep, too.  I should always go, even when it rains in yucky, muddy, cold, dark February.  I need to remember what it does for me.  I loved today.❤️

She’s Alive

I just wanted to drop a quick post to say all is well, I’m alive.  LOL!

I don’t think I need to go into why I’m so quiet- it’s been my running theme since September began.  What a year.  What have I been up to?

  • I made a solid attempt of DietBet and made some progress.  I didn’t win, but I didn’t lose, either.  I lost four pounds, gained three back and am now back to my current low of 207.  I’m chugging away at it…  I’ll do another in the nearish future.
  • I reintegrated more physical activity during May.  I’m still not back to running yet, but I took a couple of hikes last weekend that showed me just how quickly I can go from an inshape superstudmuffin to a person who struggled at making it up the hills and actually gets so sore that climbing stairs after was a challenge.  It felt SO GOOD though.  Talk about being a depression wiper-awayer.
  • I wrapped up a bajillion things at school.
  • Had the stomach flu.  It helped me lose a few pounds.  Shhhhh.
  • Got a head start on my report cards. This is a Big Deal for me.
  • Hung out with my parents and celebrated our early 18th anniversary with a bonafide date night.  (Holy cow- we can vote now!)
  • Watched an entire season of Fixer Upper and figured out how I would redesign and redecorate our house for maximum flow.  😉
  • Again: got so much done at work.  End of the year todo’s are getting checked off like crazy.  Do you ever look back at your days and are alarmed at what your were able to accomplish?  And that things are going pretty smooth?  And you’re killing it?  I’m worn out but feeling accomplished, lately, and that is kind of nice.  I’m doing really important work with my kids right now and I feel pretty proud.
  • Saw my doctor about an itchy mole that turned out to be nothing but also scored a date with a dietician to work over my realistic nutrition needs to lose a few pounds again.  I have to say that a little extra belly doesn’t bother me much but I liked the way my clothes fit so much better about 10-15 pounds ago.  I like the way I looked at 190 and would like to get back there.  I feel frustrated that I can’t get over this barrier but know that my enthusiasm, or lack thereof, is my real problem.  Perhaps an outside influence will help.  I’m also quite curious about my muscle to fate to bone to whatever ratio, or however they do that.  I’d like to know what I REALLY need to do to get results.  Maybe this will help start me on that path.
  • Until the flu struck, I was planning to take a run this weekend.  Instead I’ll hike tomorrow and see about runnng this week sometime.  I’m really excited about getting back into shape and starting running in earnest again this summer!!  Two half marathons at the end of summer are in my sights!

Back to Life

Today started out unlike most days: I woke up and wanted to run!  And not just ‘wanted to want to’ or ‘want to but can’t’, I wanted to run and could!  No barriers!  So by 8:00 this morning, Bradley and I hit the streets for an easy walk-run that turned into a just run.  You see, it’s been a while.  I let myself completely let go of my fitness in light of this wild ride called teaching that I’m on this year!  It been well-documented that I’m pretty drained, so to feel this good and this whole is such a blessing!  I fault the sunshine, largely.  Boy, I have missed her!  It’s been so nice to feel the healing rays, to squint into the blue sky, to earn an accidental sunburn on my milky skin after having it covered for six months.  It’s been one heck of a sunless winter, and saying goodbye to that old man puts me back in the mood to go outside and run with my hubs and pupper through some pink petals!

A really nice byproduct of taking time off has been a pretty close to perfect heal on my body.  My hips and knees have been hurting from the start of my running career.  When I started running I was a slow, heavy 250 and hadn’t done much of anything in a long time.  I have to imagine I went through a level of joint shock and bruising as they strengthened up and acclimated to being more active.  Taking the past six months so easy, and especially the last two months, has meant that I’m fully healed.  I feel amazing!  Today on my run, nothing hurt.  After wards, now, I’m not sore at all in my joints.  I feel so happy and great!

Lots of good things to think about:

  • Dietbet is going so well!  It’s not too late to join!  I’m about halfway to my goal already, but now is when the real work starts.  It’s funny how much it is keeping me on the straight and narrow at just the right time.
  • I got the mural going that is a legacy panel from my class to our school.  It is turning out beautifully!
  • It was teacher appreciation week and one of my kiddos kept making sure I knew he was thinking of me every day.  The kicker was when he made the chocolate bar superheroes in the likeness of Bradley and me, but also my intern and her husband!  I felt the love and it was so nice! ❤️
  • My intern is doing an amazing job.  It’s wonderful when you see someone you believe in display even more incredible virtues and skills than you even expected.  Just wow.
  • There are 37 more days of school.
  • I’m off of diet soda!  I read an article that directly linked it to strokes and dementia…  that was all I needed to hear so Bradley and I dropped it like a hot potato!  I have a crutch I use infrequently of carbonated water with a splash of real sugar Pepsi in it.  It doesn’t taste good enough to build a habit, doesn’t have enough calories to kids my diet but it fulfills the craving for a Diet Coke when I want one!
  • The garden got planted last weekend and with this crazy week of storm, thunder, lightening, pouring rain and mixed in with the beautiful, sunny, warm and lovely summery weather and I already have things bursting from the soil!  Love it!
  • My husband.  Sheesh.  I know I’m lucky, but sometimes…  boof- right in the heart.

Blasting Off

I needed DietBet!  Holy cow, people!!  It’s like, all of the sudden, paying 25 bucks makes me accountable and committed to myself and my nutrition like a boss.  Somehow it’s not hard right now.  Well, that’s not all true, but you expect it to some degree.  I suppose a lot of my success this week is owed to the fact that I spent last week prepping for this week by building better habits.  I finally signed up for Habitica.  It’s an app or online site that allows one to make todo lists, daily things one must do and habit building tasks to help build a better you:

As I check off tasks, I earn points.  What for?  Well.  I’m a ‘healer’ in a tribe with my family and I get to buy clothes and stuff for my avatar.  Ridiculous?  Yep.  Effective?  Ridiculously so!!  I find myself watching the clock every night, making sure that I can check my boxes for ‘don’t eat after 8:00’ and so on.  By doing that for one week, I accidentally lost a pound and built habits that propelled me to better success this week.  That said, I was pretty hungry on Monday night after reintroducing a diet rich in raw and plant based nutrients.  That night I was bit by the sugar bug, bad, but I made it through the night and have been pretty solid ever since.  The best part?

I went from 211 on April 29th to 207 today!!!  I am loving this trend!

A Return to Diet Bet

I found myself curling further and further into myself.  I tell you what, this year has really taken some of my sauce: my sass sauce, my awesome sauce and my energy sauce!  Sheesh!  I find myself in a constant state of recalibration, trying to ‘adjust my dial’ to keep moving forward on my personal health projects.  Last weekend I gave up and gave in.  I decided that I just don’t have time for this, at all, and my psychological balance is so brittle and fragile right now that pushing myself and relying on determination to drive me forward is making me a nervous, anxious, panic ridden mess.  I started failing in the sleeping department, and prior experience tells me that when sleep goes, I’m at the end of my rope: I’m over-stressed.

All week long I sat with that idea: just let it go.  Pick it back up in July, after this crazy school year, after the last day, when I’ll have time to run and weigh food and sleep without the structures of work.  

^Thursday, the day of reckoning.  Not pregnant.  Just filled with jelly beans and deviled eggs.

And then.  On Thursday.  I got dressed and my stomach stuck out farther than it has in a really long time.  Nothing I put on would disguise it, so I owned it.  I made a Facebook post asking anyone and everyone to join in with me on a diet bet!  I realized that I really don’t want my muffin top this summer.  As much as this is all about health, I also want the hard work I do to be reflected in my appearance!  Especially when all the layers come off!   I’ve worked too hard to let this all go because I have the most challenging year of teaching in my career, so far!  I needed to take control, but I needed help.  I needed transparency and I needed to externalize my motivation.  I am lucky because I received over 50 responses on my Facebook post from friends and family who want to jump in with me.  Wow, right?!  It got me a little jazzed, I must confess.

Knowledge is power, right?  Sometimes I hate to admit that, but it’s true.  Denial is easier, sometimes.  🙃 Once I know how much I weigh, I’m much better about keeping things in check.  On Friday I braved the scale.  Fully dressed, I weighed 213.  Undressed I was 209.  While I’m not thrilled to be back at 209 for the bazillionth time, I was sincerely thinking I had blossomed on up to the 220’s, so 209 was a relief.  It just makes things feel that much more accessible and achievable.

Today I created my first ever diet bet and invited anyone who wants to join a place at the table.  It will start on May 1st and will last for four weeks.  As soon as I created it, I got all kinds of excited to get rolling. When two people joined in right away, raising the pot to $75 in the first few minutes, I really got motivated!  If you want to play along, flow the link:

Tamara Shazam’s Spring Diet Bet

Gently Stepping into Spring

Breaks are a time of reflection and regrouping for me.  As a public school teacher, breaks are worked into my year at the behest of the district, not my preferences, so I am often in the position of having all the time in a day and nowhere to go.  It’s obviously a nice issue to deal with as my vacations are rarely impacted with flight schedules and missed connections, plus, I have time to heal.  It sounds odd to talk about restoring myself so intentionally after a few months with kids, and usually it is something I need to deal with, but this year is a horse of a different color and, boy howdy, do I ever need my weeks or days off.  While children invigorate me with their energy, their neediness and self centeredness often leave my bucket empty.  Add to that bonafide challenges children face outside of school that impact behaviors inside the classroom and I am leaving school and immediately flopping onto my bed, shoes and all for 20 minutes, before I can even consider doing anything here.  

Working out has become so hard, as I’ve said a few times this year.  Keeping my nutrition in check is a joke.  My knees have been bad, my hip has been throbbing and all of the sudden I’m feeling sick in that way that doesn’t feel like sickness but more like a biproduct of living an unhealthy lifestyle lacking proper nutrition and exercise.  I have to do this, just like in the beginning, no matter what.  When I started reflecting on this, I got mad at myself.  Disappointed that I’m failing and I started bullying myself to get off my tail and start doing it!  I realized that I tried that in February, though.  I succeeded with small goals in January, lost ten pounds, trained well, then upped the ante in February.  I missed the goals the first week, felt like a failure then hid out from myself for a few weeks.  It’s not always a choice.  It’s not always about my effort or determination.  Sometimes life is insane to the point that you have to dial things back or fail in a bigger way, mentally, and getting my head back in the game after too much anxiety is way harder than getting back on the weight loss wagon for me.  I need to grant myself some grace and gentleness.

I really hate feeling out of shape now and I miss feeling like a superstud, so I decided to look at my dial again.  Clearly, my dial is still turned up too intensely.  I can’t keep up with the simple plans I’ve had, that signals a need to dial it back and simplify, asking what CAN I do when I return to school tomorrow.  In other words, what can I promise myself that I will do?  What is so easy that if I fail I will feel foolish and know that I just didn’t put enough effort in?  I came up with this list:

  1. Track my food in myPlate to learn more about my actual intake, then post it here on tamarashazam.  Make adjustments as I notice things, but don’t worry overly much about it.
  2. Keep it in my head that I’m suggesting going to go for a walk every day. I will keep in mind that I can say no if I want or need to.
  3. A short run on a sunny day is fun. Maybe give that a try one day this week.
  4. Run at least once on the weekend.
  5. Magic Wish Goals

  6. Lose 20 pounds by the end of the school year.  I’m hovering right around 205 and my summer clothes look soooooo much better sans muffin top and weighing around 195.  The Neil Diamond and NKOTB concerts will be much more fun with less to shake!  LOL!!
  7. Run 3 days a week and be in condition for 10-15k runs by school’s last day.
  8. Lift 3 days a week.
  9. They’re magic wishes because I’m not going to put pressure on myself to achieve them right now, but it’s good to keep them in mind.

So, this is my week as I get back into the swing of teaching.  There’s something like 55 days of teaching ahead of me.  I’m coming into the home stretch and am excited to rebuild my spirit and body this summer.  If I can start moving forward on my project, great.  If not, it’s a good thing I have July and most of August off to get going!

Super Selfie

Today when I went out running I had to bring an extra phone to capture the moment on a camera since my iPhone camera is currently having issues and won’t work.  I felt a little ridiculous at how important is felt to document this run!  I’m embarrassed by the selfie movement and how it turns the focus onto the self, so much, when we really need to be turning our focus on building community, compassion, relationships and empathy.  In my humble opinion, that is.  

Midrun I started really considering this: when I was first considering getting healthy through a nutrition and activity shift, the whole thing was overwhelmingly complex.  Only people with superpowers could do that shit, and that was not me!*  I decided if I were going to take this on that I would have to forgo shame, embarrassment and modesty.  Success was going to have to be public.  Transparent.  Visual.   So was failure.  I was going to have to prove to everyone that I could do this ‘get healthy’ thing while I also convinced myself that I could do it, because I honestly felt that I couldn’t.  I was destined to be bigger for life.  It was in my genetics and , frankly, on my body.  I needed to be able to look back at my story to remind myself that it wasn’t a dream.  

Furthermore, we take pictures to capture moments in life.  Moments of happiness.  Moments of fun, friendship and pride.  We take pictures of the moments we would like to have last beyond that moment.  During a run, I feel invincible.  I’m doing this thing that requires grit, dedication, endurance and hard work.  I feel like a superhero!  The same can be said after I finish most runs!  I’m glowing with self respect and unabashed admiration of myself.  I feel strong and beautiful.  I feel healthy.  I look like a hot mess, but I’ve come to realize what strength and beauty look like on me, and right after a run is when I feel and see that most.  Of course I want to capture that!  I don’t feel like that most of the time!

Today was a success.  We ran just a little shorty, but it was enough to feel out my knees and know I’m going to be alright.  My knees don’t hurt, my hips feel normal and any real pain or swelling I was feeling seems to have gone away.  I may have caught a problem, stretched and healed it before it became a real issue.  Phew.  Deeper explorations didn’t turn anything up so I’m just going to train, listen to my body,move forward, be cautious with my training and return to my Dr. if anything else comes up.  She did mention that I’m 43, after all.  Who cares?  I’m itching to be in good condition again.  

Both taken in the same few seconds.  I find it interesting how my body mass shifts to give the impression of being heavier or lighter depending on if I’m in the jump or land of a run.

*I’m the kind of girl who loves a well placed swear word and this is the first time I’ve used one here because that is how difficult the concept of exercise and diet were to me.  Insurmountable.