Month: July 2015

I can’t even begin to express what a hypocrite and failure I feel like these days. I have words and deeds flourishing in my head like bacteria that do not feel good. I’ve been failing in the ‘healthy eating’ portion of my life. I’m writing a flipping book about how I lost 150 pounds and how I’m dedicated to this new lifestyle but I just feel like I’m out of control. It just felt like I could not stop eating! I was watching Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition and a woman named Marissa (of the Shane and Marissa episode) was talking about how she was on target, hitting her calorie goals, feeling strong in workouts and then one night she came home from the gym, found cookie dough in her fridge and started eating it. And eating it and eating it and eating it until the tube was gone. She said that even as she was spooning the dough into her mouth that she was disappointed with herself, she was telling herself to stop, she knew all of the right things to do, she knew the consequences, but she still kept the cookie dough coming. There have been so many times over the past two weeks that I’ve felt exactly like that. I just can’t seem to stop myself, even when I tell myself that I could spit this bite out right now, start fresh and not have to deal with the calories- I continue even when I tell myself I don’t want to have to lose this weight I’m consuming, even when I remind myself I’m going to be disappointed in my choices. Nothing had been stopping me.
Except reflection and writing, actually.
That book that I talked about? The one I’m writing? It’s coming at a necessary time. It seems I have a lot to learn from myself! I’ve been going crazy trying to figure out what my problem is, and I’ve got it- once again I’m pretty sure the culprit is the sugar devil and, once again, I’m addicted to the beastly stuff. I need to move beyond it, again. As I’ve been writing and reflecting on my beginnings as a weightloss warrior, the one red light that keeps coming up is how successful I was once I removed refined sugars from my diet. I lose weight, I feel better and have greater control of my diet when I don’t allow high fructose corn syrup, candy of any kinds of other ‘sweets’ into my diet. I can control my fat-o-meter in context of everything else, it’s the sugar that takes me out of the game. Every time I encounter it I get addicted so fast and spend about two to four weeks in recovery from the resulting downward spiral. My self esteem takes a hit, my weight takes a hit and my body goes wacky. It’s not fun.
So, imagine my pleasure, on Monday, when I was getting cleaned up from dinner and I thought to myself that I was strong enough tonight to tell myself no. That after a certain point in the evening I was going to be done eating. I had dinner, a reasonably sized peanut butter chocolate ice cream cone, and then I was done. The kitchen continued to call to me. Scream at me, more like, but I didn’t answer. It felt really good to remember what it’s like to be strong. Then the same thing happened again last night. While June was a really tough month, it feels like it’s behind me now and I’m finally back in control. That’s not to say I’ve been on the scale- oh no! I have no idea what the damage is, but I feel better, again. I feel like I have the power and determination to get back on track for the summer.
Yesterday I did the elliptical for 40 minutes, today we ran 3.8 miles. Exercise-wise, things are going well. My knees are bothering me a bit and my boob-related injury is still bothering me, but it seems to be getting better. It’s not terribly fun to wear a constricting piece of clothing at all times, but the alternative of being in pain is much less desirable! Let’s just say I’m glad that the weather cooled a little bit and I’ve got the sugar in better control! 🙂
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The following is the next part of my book. Warning- it’s starting to get disorganized as I try to figure out how to explain everything that happened in about a month’s time, simultaneously, and it feels messy. It feels like I’m getting ahead of myself… But nonetheless, here it is…

Today we started out with a family yoga session. We don’t do yoga with the intent to burn calories. Mostly we do it to stretch and bond with one another. Today we were lined up just so and I saw the opportunity for some yoga pics. Don’t mind my bedhead or the look on my face like I just saw a Sasquatch. 🙂 After yoga we did a workout on our abs. Did you know that a lack of a strong core is a huge reason why kids sometimes don’t perform well in school? They can’t sustain the support needed to sit for that long, get squirmy, get distracted and leave content learning behind. We’re working on it, here at Lj House.
Bradley and I are planning to hit the weights and treadmill in a bit to counteract the chips and dip that will be making their way into meh belly in a little while. Cutting loose on food is hard for me. I’ve been marching around my house like a maniac trying to score extra steps to accommodate all of the celebrating. Food holidays like today are hard for me. They open a door that is hard to close but I have a really hard time not walking through it. Aside from that, I need to figure out how to include fancy days like this, but I’ll fully admit to being scared. I won’t binge, but I know I’ll be eating more today than I usually do…
Tonight we are honoring our state’s request to avoid lighting fireworks. It’s a sad day for the boy, but we will eat veggie hot dogs, corn on the cob and vegetarian jello salad before we head to the park for our city’s fireworks show. It will be a fun evening! Happy Fourth of July to you all!
After the jump is the third part of my memoir. Thanks to those of you giving me feedback here and there. It’s nice to hear from you. It’s silly, because I already hold very little back on my blog, but it’s a huge risk to just throw it up there. Thank you for your words of encouragement!

I’m sitting out the exercise game this week. I did something to my back during Monday’s Zumba and with my previous injury to my left pectoral muscle, I thought it was probably my body telling me to chill out a little, so I’m taking the week off. My back feels right as rain again, but my chest still hurts. I spent a day at the river in a bathing suit with little support, then all of my sports bras were in the wash and I ended up taking two steps back with my injury, there, but I don’t think it will prevent me from exercising with gusto next week. At least that’s my plan…
Side note-I love the word gusto! There’s a spoken word titled I Eat With Gusto, Damn, You Bet! by Jonathon Richman that I just love. What I don’t love so much is how that poem is so accurate for me right now. I’m eating like crazy! Craving everything! The heat makes me lazy and apathetic, the PMS is raining the munchies down on me and allllll the best foods come in boxes or bags necessitating little time spent in front of a hot stove or oven. I fear that I got back on the wagon a week or so ago and then hopped right back off. With some Tillamook Peanut Butter Chocolate crack ice cream that makes me have little control when it’s in my house. Paired with the lack of working out and I’m a little freaked out about what the scale will say next time I have the courage to hop on.
Yesterday we went to the Henry Art Gallery on the University of Washington campus and spent some time walking through a huge room filled wall to wall with 14 feet of balloons for the Martin Creed installation of ‘Half the Air in a Given Space 360‘. It was a pretty phenomenal experience for me. I have a thing for balloons. Ever since Donnie and Marie Osmond’s variety show that ended in a cascade of balloons every night, I have wanted a room full of balloons. I even did a small scale of it for Bradley for our first Valentine’s Day. Or a swimming pool filled with marshmallows. Or a bathtub filled with jello. You know- one of those ‘too much’ kinds of opportunities to be surrounded with something silly and superfluous. Well, I got it and loved it. I can’t stop thinking about and I’m telling everyone they should totally go. YOU SHOULD. And if you go on the third Thursday in July, August or September it’s free. Just go. It’s simply an amazing experience.
For your viewing pleasure: I Eat with Gusto…:

And if you’re looking for the second installment for my novel, jump on over through the link to read all about my early attempts at exercise, weightloss and the conception of my little Judel-bop!

Every November there is a challenge offered to everyone in the world from NaNoWriMo. November is National novel Writing Month (hence the name NaNoWriMo), but I’m a teacher. November is not the month for me to dedicate to writing 50,000 words while also prepping for the holidays and teaching. Fortunately for me, NaNoWriMo offers an alternative for people like me who just can’t do it in November. Camp NaNoWriMo is basically the same thing, just with a camp theme, smack in the middle of teacher-friendly July! You may have already guessed that I’m knee deep in process of my novel.
I often get told that I should write a book. I always wonder at the reality of that- who would ever want to read a whole book written by me? I’m not a terrible writer, but blogging really suits me. It’s so informal, the rules are made by me and the casual nature of it makes me not flip out over grammar and typos, unlike a published book. But then I realized that Camp NaNoWriMo allows for that too- anonymous authorship without risk. I do want to write a book. I’m not sure if it’s worthy of publishing or selling, but it’s just a thing I feel like I have to do- like finish college, lose weight, get married, be a mom, run a distance that feels outside of my ability, grow my hair long once… YOLO. It’s true. So here I am, embarking on my novel.
What does this have to do with my blog? Guess what I’m writing about? I’m writing the story of Tamara Shazam in detail. So far it meanders all over and has bird walks as I through-write my story, but I’ve decided to share it here during this month.
I realized that when I found Katie from Runs For Cookies that I felt mildly discouraged that she was already ‘done’ with her project. She was maintaining her weight, she was an accomplished runner and her blog was incredibly inspiring, but I found myself having to dig deep through her archives to uncover her greater story and get closer to the genesis of her project. My blog is a few years old now. People might be having the same issue with me- sure, she’s exercising and struggling with losing and gaining right around the 200 mark, but she’s already looking good! (I actually have had people ask me why I’m continuing since I already look good, but it’s that inside goal that is important, now.). I’ve decided to share excerpts from my story this month as kind of a primer for who I am and where I’ve come from. It’s not going to be perfect, mind you it is a draft and it is for personal use on my part, but I’m also happy to share it with anyone who wants to read it.
Click through to jump to the story: