Sugar Devil

(null)I can’t even begin to express what a hypocrite and failure I feel like these days. I have words and deeds flourishing in my head like bacteria that do not feel good. I’ve been failing in the ‘healthy eating’ portion of my life. I’m writing a flipping book about how I lost 150 pounds and how I’m dedicated to this new lifestyle but I just feel like I’m out of control. It just felt like I could not stop eating! I was watching Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition and a woman named Marissa (of the Shane and Marissa episode) was talking about how she was on target, hitting her calorie goals, feeling strong in workouts and then one night she came home from the gym, found cookie dough in her fridge and started eating it. And eating it and eating it and eating it until the tube was gone. She said that even as she was spooning the dough into her mouth that she was disappointed with herself, she was telling herself to stop, she knew all of the right things to do, she knew the consequences, but she still kept the cookie dough coming. There have been so many times over the past two weeks that I’ve felt exactly like that. I just can’t seem to stop myself, even when I tell myself that I could spit this bite out right now, start fresh and not have to deal with the calories- I continue even when I tell myself I don’t want to have to lose this weight I’m consuming, even when I remind myself I’m going to be disappointed in my choices. Nothing had been stopping me.
Except reflection and writing, actually.
That book that I talked about? The one I’m writing? It’s coming at a necessary time. It seems I have a lot to learn from myself! I’ve been going crazy trying to figure out what my problem is, and I’ve got it- once again I’m pretty sure the culprit is the sugar devil and, once again, I’m addicted to the beastly stuff. I need to move beyond it, again. As I’ve been writing and reflecting on my beginnings as a weightloss warrior, the one red light that keeps coming up is how successful I was once I removed refined sugars from my diet. I lose weight, I feel better and have greater control of my diet when I don’t allow high fructose corn syrup, candy of any kinds of other ‘sweets’ into my diet. I can control my fat-o-meter in context of everything else, it’s the sugar that takes me out of the game. Every time I encounter it I get addicted so fast and spend about two to four weeks in recovery from the resulting downward spiral. My self esteem takes a hit, my weight takes a hit and my body goes wacky. It’s not fun.
So, imagine my pleasure, on Monday, when I was getting cleaned up from dinner and I thought to myself that I was strong enough tonight to tell myself no. That after a certain point in the evening I was going to be done eating. I had dinner, a reasonably sized peanut butter chocolate ice cream cone, and then I was done. The kitchen continued to call to me. Scream at me, more like, but I didn’t answer. It felt really good to remember what it’s like to be strong. Then the same thing happened again last night. While June was a really tough month, it feels like it’s behind me now and I’m finally back in control. That’s not to say I’ve been on the scale- oh no! I have no idea what the damage is, but I feel better, again. I feel like I have the power and determination to get back on track for the summer.
Yesterday I did the elliptical for 40 minutes, today we ran 3.8 miles. Exercise-wise, things are going well. My knees are bothering me a bit and my boob-related injury is still bothering me, but it seems to be getting better. It’s not terribly fun to wear a constricting piece of clothing at all times, but the alternative of being in pain is much less desirable! Let’s just say I’m glad that the weather cooled a little bit and I’ve got the sugar in better control! 🙂
The following is the next part of my book. Warning- it’s starting to get disorganized as I try to figure out how to explain everything that happened in about a month’s time, simultaneously, and it feels messy. It feels like I’m getting ahead of myself… But nonetheless, here it is…