Moving Forward

I haven’t been terribly motivated to post things when I feel like I’m not even doing anything.  Ha ha!  Apparently to post I also need to have taken a run, done some dynamic calorie counting or lost some pounds, but I’m doing NONE of that right now.  I’m kind of glad for the break, too.  I’m going to speak frankly, now about why:

First, I love my students and class.  At this point, they are mine and you can’t have them.  Even if one leaves, imagine the toughest kid ever in any of your classes you had as a child and realize that he or she belongs.   With me.  Once they’re in my room, I love them like they’re mine and I want them.  Those are my people.  I work well with them, we love each other and work well together.  My class is mine and I wouldn’t exchange anyone at all at this point.  

Without going into it overly much, I have the biggest caseload I’ve ever had as a teacher with both the huge class size of 29 kids, who are also heavily impacted with unique needs.  I’m not going to tell about numbers or specifics or anything, but I have more mandated, legal documents requiring specific services for specific kids in my classroom than I’ve ever had.  My days are jam-packed to the point that I rarely even have time to eat my lunch.  If I’m not working with a student directly, I’m walking around putting out the many fires that light when there are that many spirited kids in one small learning space at once.  What I’ve realized is that with a 24:1, student/teacher ratio in play that I, the teacher, have enough time to circulate once around the class, looking at all the work happening, helping as needed and can get back to the first kid before frustration hits.  29 kids, on the other hand, means that by the time I get back to the seven year old I began with, he or she is often in tears and then next kid has started some beef with the kid next to him about a pencil or something similar, not worth fighting for and, in the meantime, the office has called and so and so needs to get ready for early dismissal while these three kids leave for special services….  it’s intense.  Each day when I get home I’m often in tears, not of anger, sadness or frustration, but of sheer exhaustion.  I wouldn’t want to run or work out if I could during the week, quite frankly.  Perhaps this injury was really and truly a gift that will allow me to forgive myself this break from training and focus on being a solid mom, wife and teacher without worrying about the workout all the time.  I can be fairly relentless.  

There are bright spots, though:

  • I just weighed myself for the first time since the injury hit and am holding steady at 199.  I haven’t gained anything.  Which is good.  Right after the injury hit I tried to get dressed one morning and my jeans wouldn’t close.  It was water, obviously, but damn if that didn’t freak me out!  199 means I’m doing this right and I need to just stay the course.
  • I had two friends who offered to help me figure out how to exercise around the sciatica and help heal iI was so flattered to hear from the both of them and am planning to meet up to chat as soon as conferences are over.
  • My hip feels better.  I keep trying to tell myself I feel healed, but then I go and work at the costume carnival after a full week of work and feel the tightening happening again.  I’m not healed, just better.  I need to play this smart.
  • I realized I can still be an Orca Running Ambassador!  I’ve been privately so disappointed that I might not be able to run for a while.  Three months seemed long, but I know people with injuries that take a year or more to heal and worried that I might be lame for the year, unable to partner with Orca, but that’s not the case.  I’m in!  I’m going to spend some time tonight and tomorrow getting the campaign ready.  Hopefully I will get to see you at some of the races and you’ll save a few pennies off of the entry fee!  (Use code TAMARASHAZAM17 to get 10% off race fees.)  *

I got way into motivational speakers this week, too, and fell in love a little more with Jim Carrey.  

I discovered Steve Jobs, again, and Alan Watts for the first time and meditated a lot on my purpose in life. How passion should motivate me. What my gifts to the world are.

It may seem overly touchy feely but I needed to hear these messages this week.  Where I am in life is on a rather demanding and challenging path.  I’ll get through it, but in the meantime it’s helpful to conclude, again, that I’m doing what I’m supposed to do.  I’m in the right place.  

*Full disclosure: in return for promoting Orca races I am being compensated with two entry fees to races.  That said, they are races I was already planning to run: Better Half and Iron Horse Half.  Their races are well organized and the people who run them are really personable and nice.  I was honored that they would ask me to be an ambassador and I’m excited to be on their team!

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