Binge Control

I wanna eat and eat and eat and eat and eat until I die. Turkey! Pasta! Sweet potato pie! Pancakes, piled up, till they reach the sky! A lot a lot a lot a lot… At least I’ve been feeling a lot like Goofy singing that song as I look at everything lately! Geez Louise- I do want to eat everything I see right now!

Whenever I make a big recommitment to myself, like I did on April Fools Day, I also have to deal with some fallout regarding the bad habits I’ve allowed to build up. I always think I’m doing one thing pretty solid and then I uncover a behavior that makes me realize why I’ve stopped losing weight and started maintaining (or gaining, in darker moments). This time I’ve discovered a lovely little night-binging habit that I’m having to break. As you know, I deny myself nothing; it’s one of the rules about my diet. If I want chocolate then I get to eat chocolate. I only cut things from my diet* that I’m willing to say goodbye to forever, so I still eat everything I love, I just make sure to leave room in my caloric allowances.

{this girl begged me to go running today (smug, happy mama, here)}
I discovered the binge issue on night one as I headed upstairs to the bedroom. The kitchen was all like, “Yoo-hoo! Tamara! Hey! There’s chocolate over here! Come look!” The kitchen lied. There is no chocolate, aside from a possible Cadbury egg I may be saving for Easter morning, but I’ll be darned if every time my kitchen calls if I don’t get up, walk to the pantry, stare inside, then make the rounds and do the same to the fridge, to the garage and then I tell myself to sit down until the kitchen calls me again and I start it over. I was done being tempted, but I thought I should make my tea before I went upstairs so while I waited I also made the rounds one last time, and it was like my lizard brain turned on and every door I opened netted something in my mouth- a corner of brownie, a few almonds, a couple bites of leftover soup from dinner, then I couldn’t decide between plain or BBQ flavored Pop Chips, so I just grabbed both and headed upstairs. By the time I got there I realized I was on the edge of being full again, so closely after dinner, and I realized what had happened! I added up the calories and realized I was still ok, within reasonable range of my calorie goals, so no harm was done, but the behavior was one that obviously I was pretty comfortable with since I didn’t even really think about what I was doing. I had been on autopilot as I went from place to place, seeking food when I wasn’t even hungry.

{my runner bean}
I made a goal the next night to plan my evening treat ahead so I could relax and not obsess over my dessert, making rounds through the kitchen over and over and giving myself too many opportunities for temptation. It was just a little after 7:00 when I had to go upstairs to avoid the siren’s song of my kitchen. I took a bag of Pop Chips with me and I was mostly successful. Even though I was imprisoned in my room to keep from filling my mouth I still managed to find a few almonds and a bag of animal crackers to nosh on.
I’m feeling pretty solid about beating the desire to binge, though, so I’m forgiving. I’m winning already. I feel like I discovered it and am taking steps to break the night snacking habit and I know that just recognizing the problem and calling it out is about half of the work. I do, however, need to remember not to feel guilty of thought crime as I’m breaking this binge habit. Since I used to rarely ever say no to myself, I often think that if I’ve wanted to eat something that I have eaten it and can get really down on myself when I have to deny myself a lot. Not because I’m sad about not eating the food, but because it’s exhausting to constantly deny myself my addiction, so I just think the worst of my control and have a hard time separating the truth from my alternate reality. My brain just gets confused.

This is my focus, now. My exercise is solid, my nutrition is good through the day, I just need to curb my night eating issues, again, and I’ll start losing pounds. I have faith in myself, though. Each night I’m getting stronger at saying no and the habit will disappear within the next few nights. I definitely think I need to make my blanket rule of trying not to eat after 8:00 a focus for the present! 🙂
***
Guinevere asked me to go running after shopping for her new, spring wardrobe today. I could hardly say no! I was not able to run for the entirety- I got a side ache and ran with it for a mile and a half before it got the best of me. My girl, however, is so inspired by Becky’s fitness log (from Strongisthenewskinny94), that she is starting up some pretty serious running habits. This week she ran about nine miles and neither Bradley nor I can keep up with her anymore, she is so fast! She told me that she likes to run about every other day now and she wants to explore alternative healthy cooking like me! She’s actively making a list of recipes and ingredients for us to explore this summer! Proud doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings about being her mom. <3 * The word 'diet' does not mean 'restricted food plan' to me, I use it as a common noun to simply describe the food I eat. 🙂