The return to work has been exhausting but good. The weird part has been my reaction to people’s comments of, “Wow, Tamara, you look great!” I’ve had enough people tell me that to see a pattern of how I respond. Instead of saying a simple ‘thank you,’ I start telling my colleagues how I look no different and only lost a pound all summer. What’s that bit o’ malarky about? For some reason I push their kind and supportive comments away.
I think two things:
1. I don’t feel deserving of the recognition. I feel like I didn’t lose more/enough weight to deserve it. But how can I argue with what people see or think they see? How can I argue with a summer where I ran my second hundred miles in three months? How can I argue with weight training, conditioning and toning? How can I argue with my skin shrinking back up into the right place? Why have I decided I’m not deserving of the kind words my colleagues generously share?
2. I have a hard time receiving compliments from people who are not strangers but are also not my immediate family. When Bradley says something flattering, I can critically explore why I’m cute, hot, beautiful, whatever to my heart’s content. Why am I cute? What makes me beautiful in this moment? Often the answer is unexpected, something I would never have predicted, often unrelated to my appearance at all, rather a feeling or social exchange we’ve just had. When a complete stranger gives a compliment I just accept it and move on. It’s unsolicited and I just feel good after that I caused someone to have a positive reaction towards me. But someone I know more casually? Why is that awkward for me? Especially when I roll around in those compliments like a dog in mud (meaning: I am a praise junkie).
Well, geez, Tamara, get over yourself! New goal? Receive compliments gracefully, quickly, then move on and savor the compliment later to enjoy like a pig in a Poke. Dog in mud. Bug in a rug. Seal on a rock. Ok. Enough!
As summer winds down I seriously get caught up with anxiety* about how the year will go, what my students will be like, how the curriculum will unfold, if I will be as awesome as my awesome sauce expectations are, what the district or state will want to change-a-roo this year. Then once I get going the pieces start to fall into place and I start to settle into the year comfortably. Today that started to happen. I feel kinda ready and, dare I say it? A little excited. Phew! I’m so glad. I haven’t been able to eek more than 3-4 hours of sleep out per night during the past two weeks before I start over-thinking whether or not I’ll get to school exactly on time or some other ridiculous concern. No, I’m not kidding.
The nights have been a big stink-a-roo (because of sleep, not because of a lack of snuggles from the kids and hubs) and the days have been long and boring (today I figured out that we have 17.5 hours of district and administrative meetings and 10 hours of room setup and curriculum planning. No comment necessary).
The good news is that my dieting and exercise have been spot on. I hit my targets for calories and exercise every work day and I’m seeing the results on the scale. I’ve been consistently 230-231 the past few days. I’m also hitting warrior week starting tomorrow (the week in my cycle where I can shed pounds like no other time of the month) so I’m hoping I’ll get to wear those boots and meet my 40 before 40 goal by mid September! Woot!
I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned here how much depression and anxiety have been a mountain for me over the past few years. I’m better. Oh my, thinking back to last year at this time? Sheesh. I’m so so so much better. I don’t medicate, rather meditate, practice intentional positivity, love openly and deeply, exercise often and eat as well possible. So far it’s working. I slip and fall back into a depression from time to time (I slipped and fell a lot this summer), but each time the fall is shorter and the valley not as hard to climb out of. Life is getting really good again.
People at work read my blog. This blog. I said before that I didn’t know if anyone reads it… Well, they do! I know this because people know a lot about my summer before I’ve had a chance to tell them about my summer at all! It’s been fun. So…
Hi there fellow staff members! I’m glad you are reading my blog! It makes me so happy to know that you care enough about me to support me. I’d love to support you too! If you ever need someone to brag to about a health related accomplishment to, I am always happy to be your woo-hoo girl! Come on over to my classroom and holla away! Don’t ever be afraid to brag it up to me. Seriously. I love talking about how awesome we all are.