Diary

Diet Bet Beat

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My goal at my diet bet was to weigh 214.7. I had all this angst that I wouldn’t be able to do it, but it turned out not to be a problem. I’m sure glad I blasted most of my holiday weight off, though. Bleh! I think I am definitely going to do another bet. I found that it kept me really focused in a different kind of way. I had a lot of pressure to get it done and I took it seriously, but now I find myself thinking thoughts that will get me off my path, so I’m thinking I need to make another bet. I have 13 pounds to lose before the middle of March, and I want to make sure to meet (or beat) that goal!

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I’ve turned into a total weather wimp. If it is raining or cold I don’t want to go outside for a run! For a while, that meant that I was pretty much just skipping my workouts, which had me worried. I’ve come all this way, I don’t want to backslide. But then I figured out how to hook up my iPad to my elliptical and I just started going to town! Over the past few days I’ve spent about an hour and a half on that thing.
I posted the heart rate chart chart above as a reminder to myself about how to burn fat. I really push myself- hard. I had it in my head that I want to be in the 150’s for heart-rate, so that has been where I push to pretty consistently. After looking at this, though, I realized that if I want to target my fat, I really need to dial the intensity of my workouts back. I push to the 150’s and 160’s sometimes, thinking I’m only getting out of the fat burning in the 160’s! Yikes! That said, I have fabulous endurance and actually hit that runner’s high thing I’ve heard so much about. The other day, I was on the elliptical, around minute 18, and all of the sudden the workout felt amazing. I had a huge endorphin rush and my breathing felt the same as if I were walking, my muscles were not upset, my heart-rate was at 148-153 and I felt like I could go forever. I made it to 50 minutes. Not bad. 🙂
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Goals this week:
Journal my food at least one day
Take at least one run for 2-5 miles
Ride the elliptical at least 2 hours
Weights/floor work twice, minimum
***
I’m at that time of year where I never take pictures. My phone is empty of interesting things, so you get graphics for now. 🙂

Progress Report

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I weighed in at 215.2 today. I’m so close to hitting my diet bet goal early in the game that it’s making me a little paranoid about being accused of cheating. At first I decided not to weigh in publicly anymore, but then I realized I have earned my weightloss as much as anyone. I just have really solid eating and exercise habits now (except at Christmas, I suppose) and good muscle mass that burns lots of calories. I’m just further in the process than the folks who have recently committed, so I entered my weight in. It motivates me to continue to move forward because I can watch the little line on the chart go down down down…

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Seriously. How can that not motivate me? I want it to keeeeep goooiiing doooowwwnnnnn! By the way, here is a link for my profile on dietbetter.com, in case you want to connect with me. We can cheer one another on! 🙂

Needless to say, the return to school has been instrumental in my New Year’s success. I can’t eat and snack all day long so I don’t get bad stuff in my body that triggers more cravings. I’ve noticed the more garbage I eat the more garbage I want to eat. It’s like I go into a food coma where the blerch comes out and takes over, my brain goes on autopilot and, apparently, I gain 15 pounds in seven days. How crazy is that?!?! Apparently not that crazy because I know I’m not alone.
I hopped on the elliptical today and did some WiiFit. I have to say, my WiiFit Meter is super motivating. At the end of the night I get to enter my data from the day into the Wii. It functions like a pedometer except that it also tracks speed and elevation. As I complete more mileage, it has these silly little races to finish and mountains to climb, based on my own mileage. There’s something about allowing the data compile that really motivates me to keep moving. I find that, as I am teaching, I’ll realize that I am standing still and I’ll start to very intentionally walk laps around the room as I read a story or lead a conversation. Today I found out that I also get walking credit for doing the elliptical. Guess which girl will be spending more time on there?!

Check In on NYE Goals

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I know it’s only been two days. I KNOW! LOL!
But so far, this year is off to a great start towards meeting my goals. Because I believe in small goals and small celebrations when I meet those goals, I’d say I’m pretty successful. Why?
1. I have started exercising like I did in the beginning. Like back in the olden days of April, 2013. If I eat, take a walk. I tell myself there is no reason why I can’t do something (like run third mile) if I know that I really can (and I really can). I spend time on my wiiFit working my core. I’m playing around with my weight machine. I’m living my life harder on purpose. I’m making progress.
2. I’ve started walking all the time. My daughter has had a million play dates this break and I have walked to them all, even the sleepover ones with excessive luggage. And today I walked three sides of a block that I really only have to walk one side on. Also known as ‘taking the scenic route’. I am shooting for the 10,000 steps per day, and when I’m not working at my job that’s hard to get. I’ve gotten close every day but today was the first time I passed that goal this break.
3. I’ve re-engaged with my passions. I watched Andrew Solomon give a TED talk last night all about depression. He spoke so eloquently and gave such a clear description of what it feels like to live with depression, panic and anxiety attacks. In his talk he brought up that the opposite of depression is not happiness, it is vitality. I had never thought of that before- but it’s true. As I was sinking lower and lower into the pit this past December, I became disinterested in teaching, in losing weight, in working out, in researching nutrition, researching muscle building, in Christmas, in my kids… I was pretty much just interested in making it through the next day, the next hour, the next minute. This break I knew I needed a BREAK. Light socializing, no or few commitments, downtime, focus time, reflection time. That’s what we did and I am coming into 2014 renewed and refreshed, re-engaged with my passions and ready. It feels so good.

***The first and last ten minutes were amazing, the entirety is beautiful, though, too.***
4. I am killing the diet bet! Want to know how? Well, remember those extra pounds that packed on over Christmas? A full bakers dozen- 13 of them, if I remember correctly. It was astounding how quickly they all jumped on and clung. I should have known they were short lived, though. As soon as I returned to my solid exercise habits and healthy eating they started melting off. I’m four pounds down already! Yahoo! That feels very, very satisfying.

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Befores and Afters

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There are all of these mommy-blog wars lately. I’m sure you’ve heard about them- people getting their garters all askew over something one mom wrote/said that was intended or unintended to be hurtful to other moms who are trying their best -gosh darn it! Righteous indignation is established. People feel judged, ridiculed and overwhelmed at what parenting has become with all the rules and identifiers that prove how good of a mom you are or are not.
The weightloss world is very similar. There are things one just does not do and things one must do. And things you think you’re supposed to do but that might offend some people. Know what I mean? I thought not.
Perhaps I’m too sensitive, but every time I post a comparison picture I think of three different reactions-
1. You’re happy for me and happy to help me celebrate: Wahoo, Tamara! Good on you! Celebrate your success!
2. You’re motivated. You see me and think, “If she can do it, so can I!” Comparison pictures got my booty going, especially when I was able to make my own to see how far I had come. I think that mine just might do that for someone else, so I post them.
3. You hate me. You are bitter and wonder why I continue to shove my success as a weight-loser down everyone’s throats. You might think that I’m putting other fat girls down by choosing horrible before pictures and fabulous afters while I’m judging one as hierarchically better than the other based solely on my weight.

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I always worry that my pictures will be seen as pious and holier than thou. I always worry that people will look at them and feel bad, like failures, like I’m pointing out how much better and more successful I am than them because I have managed something that seems so unattainable.

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If you knew me ‘then’, you know I was a very happy heavy girl. I was active, loved, educated, successful and happy in my skin- for the most part. I know I tell sob stories of moments that were hard, but everyone has hard moments. Mine were just compounded by being in the skin of a fat girl. I’m making light of it here for a point- I have always loved myself.

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It’s important to recognize and state that when I make these comparison pictures, I’m rarely saying I was unattractive in the original ones. I choose them based on the view they provide, and since i didn’t allow for many pictures back then, my options are limited and not always the best versions of me. However, I think fat can be very beautiful- it balloons out artfully, full and lovely, plumping up skin and making beautiful curves. My skin now hangs off my thighs, my torso; on my face, wrinkles are prevalent even though one year ago I look fresh faced, young, botoxed and plump. I like my appearance now, too, but it needs to be clear that I like my ‘then’ appearance, too. Sometimes, in the comparison pictures, it is difficult for me to decide which one I like better. That was a hard thing for me to contend with at first. I was looking from the before to the now and I liked them equally. It was strange. I was torn- I felt dedicated to defending the party line of always being beautiful no matter what size I was, and I had to balance that with the pride of a healthy accomplishment that was evident in any comparison pictures. Once I realized I was confused by liking the before and during I felt pretty happy about my statement that I’ve always been happy in my skin.

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I was ready sustain my life as the fat girl advocate, the one who doesn’t back down, the one who stands up and says that the way we treat fat people is wrong. And I was going to do it by living the life of a fat person and speaking openly about it. But then I had my babies and realized that life is short, any limits you place on yourself only cut minutes off your life and richness from the experience. I realized I can still be an advocate for the fat girls, but I can also advocate for that from a place where I am not the extreme example.

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I hope you see what I saw in those other women who inspired me. One was the woman who I thought was like me- happily relationshipped, fat, happy- like my sister from another mister!- and all of the sudden she lost a bunch of weight and I wondered if she could do it, why couldn’t I? Or my friend who has battled weight forever and all of the sudden she lost 70 pounds. Or the family member who lost a bunch and just seemed to melt away one winter. Or the myriad of women and men I know who have lost weight and I never expected them to, and I realized if they could do it there was no reason I couldn’t.

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What I hope, though, is that people look at me like I looked at the other women who I considered in my league. I hope you see a woman who was pretty happy who just decided to make a change. I hope you see this person who had given up on losing weight, who thought she was medically incapable of losing weight, who had decided to be content as a heavy person- I hope you see someone you see a little of yourself in and, if you’re interested, my story can propel you forward enough to establish some determination.

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I never come from a place of shaming anyone. I come, first, from a place of astonishment at my own success. Seriously, I’m in constant disbelief that this is my life. After that, I then come from a place of celebration. I have to shout it from the rooftops to make it seem real! Like, if I don’t tell and show it to someone it won’t be true! Lastly, I think posting my pictures might just inspire someone else at the very moment when they need it. While this is never my primary motivator -to provide inspiration (I think it’s unhealthy to look to others being inspired by me to propel me forward- I can’t sustain that infinite shrinkage model!), it is fun to hear from people who are making positive changes in their lives partially based on what they’ve seen me do. It’s amazing to effect that positive change.
Cheers and best of luck.
*These are all before/during comparison photos that I have posted at various times this year. And what a year it has been!
***jump for skin… LOL

Let’s Compare, Shall We?

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You can always tell when I like a picture that I take of myself. The picture I took Thursday surprised me so I started making the infamous comparison pictures…

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The difference here is about five years and 130 pounds. 130! Isn’t that amazing? Like, my chin looks so incredibly different, but my eyes are so much more visible. I had NO idea they were so hidden before!

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These ones are almost exactly one year apart. Really, about 13.5 months if you want exactness. 🙂 The first was taken on my 39th birthday, the second on Thursday. The difference is about 80 pounds. That is a very big difference as well. 🙂

Little Miss So & So

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Let me just start off by saying this is a really weird post for me to write. It’s super awkward and embarrassing and immodest to talk about what I’m going to talk about. That said, changes are underfoot and I’m dedicated to acknowledging and recording my experiences…
Before I get rolling here, I also need to preemptively say I don’t know if I am actually attractive or not. I have no idea. Sometimes I look in the mirror and am all like, “Whoa, Mama! Where have you been all these years?!” And other times I’m looking in the mirror and everything seems out of scale, I have rings under my eyes, my jaw bone and nose are huge and I can’t remember why I went ‘Whoa, Mama,” in the first place. I guess it’s like assessing your own partner or kids after a while. Objectivity has long since parted ways with my ability to determine how attractive or unattractive my family is. According to me, she is the prettiest, he is terribly handsome and my husband is unrivaled in his magically babelisciousness sexy self. Know what I mean? So I’m not saying I attract tons of attention here for my absolute hotness, just more than I’ve garnered in the past.
So… I get checked out now. By guys. It’s pretty weird.
I don’t mean that I have men (and/or women) panting at my feet, asking for my number or anything like that, but I do get assessed, categorized, considered and that is a new thing for me.
As a fat girl, I have gone through life, with the exception of my 17 year old self when I lost a bunch of weight, being immediately dismissed. Unlike the girl with a big nose or weird hair or whatever weirdness one might think she has, mine was obvious from a distance- I was a big girl and, when you are a big girl, you can tell from a distance. There was little I could do to camouflage 340 pounds and the net result was that any categorizing and assessing ended long before I would get up next to anyone who might check me out. Check the box, here’s a fat girl… Not to say I didn’t have my fans, but they were much more rare.
Now I get checked out all the time.
Seriously. And it’s not just one type of person. On some days it’s older gentlemen, today it was three separate guys who were very tall and in their 20’s. And the men are good looking too. I’m flabbergasted. It’s not like it means anything significant. I’m certainly satisfied with the man I live with and I am not looking to hook up with random guys who actually look at me in the grocery store, mostly it’s just nice to actually be considered. To not be shut down even before they get close enough to see my crow’s feet and elementary aged children hovering nearby means a lot. It means I am fitting into a different body type category and that is a fun and interesting place to be in right now.
Anyhow, I hope that didn’t come off as all snotty and pious. I hope you understand what I’m trying to say. I’m having fun seeing what happens with my new body. I’m trying something completely different midlife and it’s so fun to observe the outcomes.

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The last time I ran I was just on this side of recovering from a cold. The air has been thick and soupy with tons of fog lately and when I ran I gave myself some bronchial issues. I immediately got a chest cold the next day and what feels like a sinus infection. I’ve taken the rest of the week off, but tonight I took my dog, Martha, for a walk and it was just killer not to trot some of it or break into a run from time to time. I think tomorrow I want I do an interval run, maybe, and just push myself just a little and see how that feels. I’ll admit that I have been eating yummy things way more than I should. I NEED to be working out more and harder.
In addition to that, I purchased the NKOTB album called The Block and those boys are kind of nasty on it. But I still want to listen to it so I need to go running so I have time to listen to my filthy New Kids not in front of my kids. LOL. I laugh, but I am serious. It’s so fun to have music to look forward to running to. I also have Robin Thicke to listen to. Apparently the more perverse the better for my ears…
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I have decided to take a diet bet this January. I am joining with a friend from work who was successful and won a few bucks while she lost a few pounds. She also pointed out that, yes, you are betting against other people in the pool, but every person who did it with her lost weight. So, really, everyone won, regardless of whether or not a few bucks made it into their account. It’s not about the money, for sure, but it seems fun to have an additional external motivator to propel me into the New Year.

Goal Met!

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What’s the goal? To actually RUN finally. To follow through on my workout! Then to post about it on my website. I’ve done both of those things now. 🙂

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And if I were a bare minimum kind of girl, I would be done about now. Ha ha! But I’m not.
I have to tell you WHY I haven’t been running or posting. It’s because I’ve been so incredibly overwhelmed by life and, as a result, so freaking exhausted. Like, when you’re trying to stay up past nine o clock so hard but can’t, so you fake wake up over and over and act like you’re watching the movie by saying such observant things like, “Wow, look at that!” Or engaging in pseudo conversation like, “Do you think this move is good and why?” Before smugly laying my head back down, eyes drooping, convinced that Bradley has no idea that I’m actually dozing between statements. The next morning I hear about my snoring, though, and about my gibberish sentences or how I pick up conversations from dreams and bring them to him, live, in the real world, saying some embarrassing nonsense before I laugh, wilt then snore again. Yup, I’m reaaaal smooth.
So I let myself just take some time. Caught and recovered from a cold. Taught third grade to kids less than two weeks before Christmas. Top that! (Hello to my K~2nd coworkers, I bow down to you.)
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I was thinking about my winter break and how I want to approach it, food-wise and exercise-wise.
I think it’s reasonable to expect myself to run ten miles each week. That lower mileage will help me get back up to speed. I’m still maintaining my fitness, but my lungs burned today and my heart felt flumpy. I need to get back into real shape again. It won’t take long, but I need to give myself some latitude.
As far as food goes, I think I’ll stick with my usual diet. I always allow myself a cookie or treat if I want one on days where I’ve worked out. This month I’ll just have to be super careful about sticking to that rule. And like Thanksgiving, I’ll let myself take Christmas off. Though, remember how I hit 213 on thanksgiving and wouldn’t let myself lose my footing? Wouldn’t that be funny if I woke up less than 210 on Christmas morning? I’d take that gift over cookies any day!
So there’s the goals: 20 miles and the same calories except on Christmas.
This week I hope to run a few more times and stick with my food plan.

Disneyland!!!

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Perhaps, just possibly, you may have noticed a lack of posts lately. That’s because I have been in DISNEYLAND! Yup. Dreams come true and magic exists. People ask why we go Disneyland and nowhere else all of the time for our big vacations. For us, it’s just easy. Like, you get there and it’s pretty straightforward once you figure out the learning curve of food, hotels, passes, fast passes… You know the fine points of visiting a place a lot, it’s just easy to go there. We know what we can eat, where we can stay and what there is to do. We have a bit of anxiety surrounding travel, so familiarity is nice. It’s just a happy place for our family.

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I had a few non-scale victories while I was there:
One, I could wear pretty much anything in the park except kids clothes. I tried a lot of things on and was mostly discouraged about buying anything since I’ll likely shrink out of it before summer. While that seems really nice – and it is in the bigger picture- it is difficult and discouraging to spend 65 bucks on a sweatshirt knowing full well that it will be huge on me by the time summer rolls around. Instead, for the first time ever, I was able to buy matchy-matchy jammies with my daughter! She was a size extra small and I was a large. The last time I was in Disneyland I could wear very little there. It was pretty fun to have the world open up so wide.

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The other thing that was really nice was that I didn’t have to worry at all- like AT ALL- about fitting on rides or making the boats tilt. I didn’t have to worry about being the fat girl next to the skinny person all up in their personal space. Furthermore I fit in the plane seat with seatbelt to spare and I was able to put the tray down without it resting on my thighs or belly. I was able to walk down the airplane aisle without turning sideways and my hips did not even touch both sides of the aisle. It was pretty awesome.

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The best thing, however, was that my feet never hurt or ached at all. My legs feel totally normal and we walked between 7-12 miles per day, not including the line standing. My back is not all strained and painful and my hips are fine. I was able to run, walk and stand everywhere in line with no pain, no problems. One night we went and saw the World of Color. I put my 80 pound kid on my shoulders and about died- it was amazing to put weight back on. My feet were aching like mad after ten minutes, my spine felt horribly compressed and my knees and hips hurt. It is amazing how much extra weight I was willing to put up with for so long, and the resulting pain and health was such a high cost.

I don’t say stuff like is to be pointed to other people. I have to tell myself these things and document them so when I feel weak or apathetic I can turn to these reminders to keep going. Giving up is easy when you can overlook what you really know, and what I really understand now is that my life feels more comfortable and easier when I weigh less.

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I also got a dinglehopper. Yes, my life is complete.
You have no idea how much I love that thing. No idea.

Black Friday

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Black Friday usually consists of a few things for us Lj’s.
First, we ALWAYS go to the Macy’s Santa Parade where Santa welcomes in the new holiday season then sets up shop in the downtown department store.
Then we usually hit the downtown Target (and often the Old navy). Being downtown, people have to find parking and drive weird routes to get there so it’s not overly patronized by the Black Friday set. The result is that we usually can pick up a few deals around 11:00 that were sold out at the mall stores by 6:AM. It’s something we discovered last year and are banking on now…
After that, we usually go home. This year we decided to visit a few landmarks at Pike Place Market. Namely, the sign, the bronze pig, the fish throwers and the gum wall. We had a good time.
After arriving home, we headed off to a quick run, then we gorged on leftover Thanksgiving feast.
A great Black Friday, even got a little exercise.
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I got a wii fit tracker thingy. So far, with my runs, I am averaging 10,000 steps on a non- work day. I’m interested to see how it goes when I have a work day. I’m especially excited to see how far we walk in Disneyland!
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NON-SCALE VICTORY/ TMI MOMENT
My underwear and bras are pathetic. The undies fall off of me, they are so big and loose. No, I am not kidding. Then the bras have big, giant gaps in them where my boob has disappeared. I swear, it could be an echo chamber. Seems I am going flat chested. Or, at least, flat chested for me. I once had a looooong string of D’s after my number!
Bradley was tasked with gifting me new undies and over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders this Christmas, and he came to me all frustrated the other day because he doesn’t know what my sizes are anymore! So I measured… I have lost 8 in the band size and immeasurable in the cups, leaving me with a totally main stream store size of 38DD. I have been a plus-boobie-sized girl for years, suddenly it looks like I can finally purchase something in Victoria’s Secret or from the underwear section at The Gap! (Not that I need or want to, it’s just nice to know I CAN!)

Thankful

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Life is tricky right now. There is a huge list of things that are making me stop, paralyzed, and freeze in my life. I’m not writing, reading, running, playing… I’m just. Hardly present. In a whirlwind.
Work is hard right now. I won’t air my dirty laundry any more than to say I have a few unique situations at work right now that are causing me tremendous stress. I’m not sleeping more than 3-4 hours a night right now and the wee hours are spent pondering a million possibilities of how to solve the problems, reviewing the issues and, when I get bored of that, thinking about the atrocities that Christopher Columbus enacted to started the whole slave trade… I’m serious. That guy was terribly, horribly bad if this is all true.
Pardon me while I think on this some more and have panic attacks about it.
I’m joking, but every word is true. Panic attacks suck. So does depression. So does anxiety.
Perhaps I should try my happiness strategy…

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I have a lot to be thankful for.
1. Disneyland is looming in our very near future. I neeeeeeed some Disney magic about now. I’m thankful I get to go soon!
2. My husband keeps telling me stories about teachers and staff members from my daughter’s school who come up to him to talk about how wonderful, compassionate, patient and kind our daughter is.
3. My son is a good kid. He is always trying to be on his best behavior at school and knows, absolutely, what NOT to do. When he got his class picture, he was sure to show us which kids talk a lot. He let us know he doesn’t sit by those kids. I’m glad he knows that he can control his environment to make it the most educational one possible.
4. My husband is incredible and supportive. Each day as I have come home from work, claiming another tough day, sometimes even with tears, he lays down on the bed, invites my head on his shoulder and takes the time to let me process my day aloud to him. It’s incredibly healing for me and I only hope I offer the same compassion to him.
5. I’m grateful my family does not really know what hunger is.
6. I am healthier now than ever. I can move and play, I’m flexible and capable. My body is mine for the first time in my life and I love it.
7. I weigh 217 216. I never thought I would weigh less than 250 in my life, ever again. I’m glad I proved myself wrong because I taught myself that there are way more possibilities out there than I ever would have allowed. Possibility still exists. Dreams aren’t dead. I’m a walking cliche, I know, but it’s true.
8. While it’s difficult at times, I can’t think of a better job than teaching that is better suited for me. I love working with children, I love teaching, I love laughing, I love their youth…
9. I also love the breaks. At this point, with little kids, it is really nice to be at home together as a family, when I have time off too.
10. I was born into opportunity. Though mine is limited by finances, my situation is tremendously fortunate. While we, as a family, live just above the poverty level, I can’t imagine how more dough would improve our lives that much differently. We are clothed, fed, educated, have healthcare, a home, a yard and even get vacations. That’s a pretty privileged life.
11. I love technology. My iPad, phone, Nook and, now, my fitbit (more on that later) go everywhere with me. It’s somewhat embarrassing, the attachment I have to the devices, but it love the creative expression through writing that the iPad offers, the entertainment (and discretion) of the Nook, the world is accessible through my phone and my Fitbit tracks my every step and calorie burned. I love it ALL.
12. I love clothes and putting outfits together, so I am thankful that Old Navy and The Gap put out 30-40% off coupons out at this time of year like nobody’s business.
13. I love the holidays. I love eating good food, making good food, spoiling my kids and having excuses to laugh and hang out in our pajamas a lot. I love the holiday movies and stories, I love the Elf on the Shelf, reindeer and snow- I hope we get some snow this year! That would truly add some magic!
14. My mom and dad are wonderful, generous, loving people. They recently moved out of state to take care of my grandfather, so we miss them, but understand the good, compassionate work they are doing.
15. I’m thankful for running shoes. It turns out that different shoes really do make for a different run. At present, I love my neon pink Asics!
16. I am thankful for my website. People tell me they read it, and I love the feedback, but the best part is that I have a record of my progress. When I feel like things are going too slow, I look at it, see how far I have come and get back on the wagon! I find myself incredibly motivating! LOL!
17. I’m thankful for my coworkers. They are so supportive of me, so open to me, so kind to me. I appreciate their friendship and laughter tremendously… You may have realized I have no filter and will talk about almost anything to almost anyone, but they still accept me. 🙂 I work with some pretty amazing people.
18. I’m thankful for my scales: the wii and my digital. While I loathe them sometimes when the numbers still, they are marvelous for showing my progress and they always point me in the right direction (that’s down, for now). Magnificent tools.
19. Love. I live for love. Love is the foundation of my life, my reason for living, for rising every morning and for committing to the job I have. Love is paramount. I love love.
20. Resilience is something I have always had until the past few years. Then I lost it. I crumbled at just about anything. Depression, anxiety and panic took over… It’s been a long climb out. This year, however, I’ve learned a little more resilience- through confidence. I’m learning to be a better advocate for myself. I learned to pick myself back up and keep kicking. I’ve practiced not taking things personally. It’s good.
21. Determination has been a driving force behind my body weightloss project. Determination is the active choice. It’s making a decision and sticking with it, even in the face of a more appealing alternative. I’m not sure why this has impacted me so much now, but this time I know that the power is within me. It’s not going to happen externally.
22. Motivation: I get tremendously motivated to exercise when I’m training, I want to work out and lose weight when I watch weightloss shows and I bask in compliments that make me just want to keep moving forward. That said, motivation is the passive version of determination- waiting for an external stimuli to propel you forward is great for part of the journey, but it won’t carry you all the way. You need to believe in and rely on yourself.
23. Intentional positivity is a phrase I invented a few years ago (based on a goal I made to be more like Mr. Rogers) when I was having a very cynical and negative time in my life. I decided to see things in a different light, to bring my happy, to distance myself from negative forces around me. It worked. My life is so much happier now and, even though I feel like a total cheese sometimes, I totally sound like Mr. Rogers (honestly, one of my heroes) in my head and aloud quite often.
24. I have a couple of old girlfriends who I just can’t seem to shake. I’ve tried, trust me, but they just keep caring about me and I about them, in return. I’m grateful for seasoned friendships.
25. Me. I’ve been pretty good to myself this year. Thanks, me.
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As I said, I have a lot to be thankful for. After making this list, I feel so much better and I’m suddenly soooo tired now that the anxiety has abated. I so hate two o’clock from this morning. She is going to haunt me alllll day.