The Art of Nothing

I’ve been practicing sitting around over the past few weekends.  That may seem weird, but it appears that I’ve kind of forgotten how to sit around.  I haven’t had a banana pancake day in years (banana pancake days are those last minute days in bed of doing nothing, as described in the Jack Johnson song…).  Without realizing it, my goals of being a determined person who avoids procrastinating and is a do-er not a say-er or poseur leaked into every aspect of my life.  I don’t really allow for a whole lot of slothfulness, as though I’m trying to chase all of the deadly sins away.  

When I say this, I mean I pretty much don’t sit down until I’m laying down in bed.  Obviously my work day is spent on my feet, but when I come home I’m the same.  I come upstairs, change my clothes, take a shower and head down to make dinner.  Once dinner is made and served, my family will often sit down to play a game or watch something or craft or whatever, but I just fidget with stuff. When I’m in the kitchen I fidget with cleaning things until it’s all clean then I bake something and clean up after. Or make a bunch or freezer meals. Or lunches. Or sweep piles and tiny bits of trash into my dustpan on a stick, as though I work in Disneyland or something. I think to myself that there’s always a job to do, always some steps to get, always a way to make my tomorrow easier, there’s alway another lifehack that I can employ and when I run out of jobs I make them up.  I should reorganize my craft cupboard, make cards, go for a run, plan a hike, write a blog post, call my mom, play a game with a kid, text someone, make crafts….  the list goes on.  And on.  And on and on and on.  It’s getting ridiculous.

I read this post about being a teacher and the stress it adds into my life.  Basically, it said that teachers worry, overthink and make a bazillion decisions every day without letting it show.  All of that internalizing your real thoughts in favor of diplomacy results in an energy suck that zaps teachers of a lot of energy.  I’m very disciplined in many aspects of my life- work, health, diet, lifehacks- and it’s wearing me out.  Add to that an exceptionally large and challenging workload and I REALLY need to prioritize myself a little more.

I’m getting crushed by systems.  Expectations.  I’m getting crushed trying to keep up.  It’s time for some more nothing.  Today that meant that I forgave my planned run and literally stayed in bed all morning reading news and cuddling with Freddie.  Last Sunday I watched tv with Gigi for two hours in the middle of the day.  The little things.  They’re beginning to show me how much they matter.

Trail Tales

Quick pics and stories from recent running events.  Not overly thrilling.  Just life.

On Monday morning the kids and I all converged downstairs, sleepy and puffy, laughing because we were all dressed exactly the same.  We knew it was happening, but when we saw it in action we giggled.  I love these people and love that they run with me.  Jude and I proudly wore our medals while Gigi left hers at home and just wore the sweatshirt.  We are getting to be quite the threesome.  🙂 

Gigi and I have fallen in love with running on the Burke-Gilman trail lately.  It is flat, wide and goes on forever through interesting terrain.  This day, Sunday, we noticed the river was ridiculously high and flowing fast.  The porches of the houses near the river were getting pretty close to splash level.  I wondered how much they worry about floating away; how often worry has been valid.  We ended up going a mile and a half further than we intended, but we were pretty okay with that.  

These people passed by me and, I swear I’m such an old person now, I remarked at how pleasant smelling they were.  Because seriously- runners who pass me rarely waft flowers and perfume.  The guy fell back and paced with me for a bit and we learned that we were all training for the Hot Chocolate 15k and he was training for a marathon in Kansas.  Mostly I loved that being elderly, apparently, allows me to butt into people’s lives and I met some cool people!  I’m totally looking out for them at the race.  I doubt I’ll see them, but it’s nice knowing they’re in the crowd.  It’s nice to know I pass as a runner.  

Saw a bunch of these fellows.  They made me hopeful that the groundhog was wrong.  Spring was ripe on Saturday.  Ducks were doing their dance, squirrels were all over the trail, robins were pulling worms- the world seemed alive and fresh.  I’m happy to see our Canadian Geese friends.  I know they’re poop machines, but they remind me of where I grew up and twice a year when the acreage behind our house would be covered, beak to tailfeathers, with hundreds of geese honking.  Welcome back, friends.  Hello spring!

Today’s run wasn’t as wonderful.  We were a bit tired.  The weather wasn’t as pretty and we had a different start point.  We were planning to run eight but headed back at three, six was fine with the both of us.  Next week we will get our eight.  Today it felt like dog years just to get this far.  And ‘just’ six?  Hello??  That’s decent mileage.  Where is my perspective presently??

While running today Gigi looked over at me and saw my age; my grey temple hairs sparkled just right in the sunlight and caught her off guard.  

“Mommy.  When did you start getting grey hairs?!”

I’ve had them for several years, but I remembered that moment, too.  When I saw my own mother’s mortality evidenced in the salt and pepper that was showing more and more in her honey, brown hair.  Gigi started getting teary so I told her that it’s been almost two years since I’ve gotten my hair colored.  The silvers are more evident than usual.   She told me to get it taken care of.  That she doesn’t like the message those silvery harbingers are forcing upon us.

And I had to tell her the strange truth of getting older and how it seems impossible to live away from your parents, but that time and life chip away at that powerful link until it almost seems like you could stand on your own two feet if you had to.  You never wish for it, I don’t think you’re ever ready for it, but you know you could.  If you had to.  

And that’s when you know you’re a real grown up.

She got teary again and asked more about what would happen if I died.  Who she’d stay with if both of us died?  What should she do if one of us wanted to remarry and they hated the newbie?  So we had that weird conversation until she said she was done, but is glad to know about all of this horrible stuff.  I changed the subject and asked her about her wedding.  I’ve never asked her and I found out she wants a gigantic, princess, pouffy skirt.  Her bridesmaids will wear yellow and she’ll wear her veiled tiara as she walks the aisle to a Taylor Swift song.  So simple, sweet and cute when the groom is nowhere near figured out.  

The things you talk about on the run with the daughter.  Treasures.

Better Half Pictures

One of the things I love about Orca Races are the free pictures!  Thing one about pictures that I always wonder about is who actually buys them?  I mostly just want to see them.  Like to prove YES I DID!!  Plus, we pay so much for the races that it just seems like it shouldn’t be that big of a thing to pony up a photographer for the morning, right?  So Orca gets it right, in that regard.  You can download the pictures and repost them to your heart’s content, so I did! 

The kids and I all laughed to one another about how awkward the picture moments are.  Are you supposed to look at them and smile?  Too arrogant?  But the unposed pictures look so gross!  So then I remind them of how I always pose, always smile and the photographer often says, “Yeah, I got you.  Keep going,” and then get incredibly unposed and unflattering pictures of myself.  So now I run with that weird Julia Roberts, half-smile on my face so I look like I’m having a good time but not like I’m trying too hard.  Race politics.  I’m telling you.  The photographer adds a legit level of awkward stress!

In the end, Jude and I each ended up with two finish line pictures while Gigi had about ten total taken of her.  At first I was all confused about why and creating conspiracy therories about why until I remembered that she went around the loop twice, after all of the 5k peeps were finished, and gave more opportunity for photos to be taken.  And man.  She looks like she’s flying in that first pic!  And Jude’s sweet little cheeks!  Proud mama, here.

The Reset

I posted this picture to my Facebook on Saturday with this caption:

This girl made some seriously lofty goals for the month of February, immediately failed at meeting them and took a major nosedive into Apathyland. I cannnn’t! Waaaah! I hate it! I want to eeeeaaat! More excessive whining and attempting to give up than should be given credence. I ate a lot of chocolate (while also eating clean) and didn’t care too much about working out even a little. I got my steps sometimes, but I whined and complained as I did it. I’m attempting to hit the reset button (again) with an active weekend. Running and training for all those races I paid for. Anyhow, this is me trying to be back. Shouting into the wind that I CAN DO THIS! Time to make some more accessible goals.  

I’m trying.  I’m fighting anxiety, depression and a pretty intense workload, but I’m trying.  I decided to see a mile as a workout.  A trip around the block as worthwhile.  Babysteps and hopefully I’ll be able to get back into the swing of things.

My Better Half

We had an early rise and shine this morning as we started our official race season with the My Better Half Marathon (and 10k/5k).  Last year I was so lonely racing. I met friends there but once you cross the start line and start running, you’re pretty much on your own.  I don’t like to pace with anyone as I hate to feel like I’m holding someone back, so the celebration at the end is usually a lonely affair with me grabbing swag and scooting to my car asap.  This year I cut my race quantity in half so I could bring a friend to my races.  I spent just as much on enrollment but I’ll have a kid or two with me on each race!  

Today it was all three of us; I ran the 5k with Jude while Gigi ran the 10k. Last year Gigi won first place and a blanket for the 10k, so hopes were high as we headed out.  We knew there were prizes for the top three in each category, but also knew that little kids were more likely to run the 5k, so Jude probably wouldn’t win, while Gigi had a fighting chance; not many kids sign up for the 10k.  Jude trucked around there, chatting it up with fellow runners, sharing information about races he’d run prior…  yep.  He was ‘that guy’.  I finally had to tell him to let people focus as the lady he was talking to was gasping for breath and there’s this little chatterbug next to her asking questions a million miles an hour…  but goodness he was cute.

We reached the end faster than anyone expected.  Jude was surprised at how easy three miles felt after sufficient training and declared that he loves races, medals and running, but made it clear that it’s only fun at races.  Training is not fun but he’s willing to do it for the bling and bragging rights of races.  He let me know that he is interested in running the 10k next year.  My proud mama buttons kinda burst right then.  And if they popped then they sure flew themselves across the room when both of my kids placed third in their age divisions!!!  They each earned a cupcake to nibble on tonight.

I make no secret of my love for Orca Races and ran a bunch of them last year, before I became a running ambassador.  Our next one is coming up for St. Patrick’s Day: The Kirkland Shamrock Run!  You should come, too, and if you do, use my code: tamarashazam17 for 10% off!

Adjusting my Dial

Goodness gracious!  Last week I must have been riding my high horse of success and I had big ideas of what I was going to accomplish when I made my workout goals!  Wow!  I planned on running, walking, lifting and losing fat like a badass.  But I didn’t.  Life happens, you know, and then there you are at the end of an endless day of chasing second graders around the classroom nonstop wondering why ever you committed to running a 5k AND six miles AND 3 lifting sessions AND…  Nope.  Last week I was served a big glass of nope on Monday morning and it kind of carried me through the week. 

 I decided, however, to not see it as nope, but rather as a dial adjustment.  My studly friend Denise posted this article about the dial versus the switch the other day to Facebook and it’s been in my head ever since.  In essence, the author suggests that you think of your health as a dial.  Instead of getting busy and taking a break from your health goals, it’s suggested that you dial back your expectations to what you can do rather than stopping or failing altogether.  So this week when things got crazy, I realized I had the energy to eat well and get my steps in but I might not have the energy to meet the rest of my fitness goals.  Then, later in the week, I literally crawled into bed at about 5:00 and fell asleep by 8:30.  I actually woke up around 9:30 wondering why Gigi was up so darn late!  Ha !  Anyhow, I’m living by the dial.  Adjusting as necessary. I’m being gentle with myself.  Last week marked the halfway point of the year as well as a pound lost.  Pilgrims progress in the right direction!

The rest of the week, outside of my failed fitness goals, was a balance of odd, sad and personally fulfilling:

  • I dug up the old picture of my mom and I from several years ago and it was fun to see how much things have changed.  
  • I came home on Tuesday to find my medal rack hung up and it was such a pleasant surprise to have that honeydo checked off!  It’s my new favorite corner.  
  • A close family friend of our died suddenly at a hockey game last weekend from a massive heart attack so I headed to the service this weekend.  He was one of my blueprints for adulthood- a real Mister Rogers type who loved everyone and accepted all.  He loved his wife passionately and I decided early on that I needed to find a husband who would love me like Johnny loved Lynda.  He was one of those grown ups who saw kids and made them feel special, and I was a kid who needed a lot of special.  It was a sad surprise for sure.  My brothers and I all came to show our respects and represent our family, and it was a rare sibling sighting for the three of us so we grabbed a pictureto commemorate the moment.  
  • We spent Sunday at Cafe Lj.  We boiled some eggs, set out some bagels and made a cafe downstairs complete with music, candles and a fireplace.  We spent the day cuddling with our kids, reading, drawing and nibbling on snacks while the snow fell.  A perfect day!

This week in high- fiber, clean-eatin’ macros lunches!!!  By the way, all of my plasticware is from Ikea.  Super reasonable price and it seems to be lasting. 

(I got so sick of sweet potatoes, y’all.  I had to have something new!)