Diary

Victory #1
This weekend we were playing the closet game where you take about 4000 things off of hangers and try them all on in search of the perfect look and you finally settle on something that is close but not quite right.
It’s been years of me looking longingly at my husband’s hipster tees. Around the holidays, his favorite place puts on sales where all their tshirts are $5-10 and he just loads up on a bajillion clever tshirts, while I would scour Old Navy for a tshirt that I liked and would pay $18-26 for. When I would get one I liked, it would be worn until it was threadbare, so hard it is to find a cool tshirt for a fluffy girl…
Enter this weekend when I casually picked up my husbands size medium tshirt with a cute little jellyfish on it. It fit me. Then I tried the John Hughes one and it fit me too! Bradley whipped the songbird tshirt off of his very own back, threw it at me and guess what? It fit! I came to the realization that I can wear my tiny husband’s tshirts now! Tiny, of course, is a relative term, but I have never been able to really share clothes with the man until now. And they’re not even tight, I can authentically wear them! My closet just got a whole lot bigger.

Victory #2
I was at a friend’s house this weekend, and we have always been mom-friends. That means we only do stuff with our kids and mostly just talk about getting together without them but never do. Well, I’m determined to hang casually with her this summer, and I made plans to go jeans shopping with her, my size four friend, and we can shop in the same store. I don’t have to act like I’m just shopping accessories- I can try stuff on. How weird (and awesome) is that?!

This morning I got on the scale, and I really wasn’t too excited to get on it. You see, the past four weeks have been really hard. I know I keep saying it, but I have been challenged, to say the least. Pushed to my limits, absolutely. Remember when you were in labor with your first kid and you thought that it hurt so much it couldn’t possibly get worse and then it did? Yeah. It’s been like that. Like, this can’t possibly get more challenging or complicated, and then it did. That has been my past four weeks.

Then, suddenly, the clouds seemed to lift and sunlight started making its way through, both literally and figuratively. This week things started getting better- the weather cleared, and with it, the insane things in my life seemed to settle too. I’m cautiously optimistic that this is a trend that will continue globally, in my life, over the next little while.

It’s been hard to keep up with my fitness. Over the last two weeks, I pretty much let it go. My back went out, my neck did a psycho freak out that has effected me all week and I decided to just let it go until I was ready to get back to it. I thought I would start today, but I woke up with a twang again, my husband hit his head really hard, and rather than exasperate either of our injuries, I’m taking the weekend off again.

That said, I’m still trying to keep up with the nutrition aspect. I thought I was eating poorly. There have been cookies, nummy food in the staff room and a larger number of Mike and Ike’s than I care to admit have gone down the hatch. So, back to my opening line, when I hopped on the scale today I pretty much expected to weigh in around 215, not in the 205-206 range! Then, to make the good news even better, my WiiFit meter glitched last week and I thought I had lost my data. Instead, I had all of my data from this week plus all the data from my hikes last weekend! I’m so close to making the altitude goal! Sometimes those little goals make all the difference in the world for motivation!

And do you see that I am less than half a percentage point away from a BMI of 30? When I get under 30 I will no longer be clinically obese, I’ll only be overweight. I know it’s just semantics, but that means so much to me. And to seriously be so close to 200 is just amazing. Amazing!

Many moons ago, on this blog, I wrote about my superstition- that if I got rid of my bigger clothes that I would need them shortly. Last time I lost a significant amount of weight, I immediately expunged all of my clothes as a symbolic gesture that I would never again return to those sizes. Within a year, I was busting out of my 18’s and re-purchasing size 20’s, 22’s and, finally, 24’s. I told myself that sizes were changing- certainly, I was not blossoming weight again! But I was. I had to eat some humble pie and buy a few new things, but mostly I decided to lose weight again.
So I did. I lost a bunch of weight. As I shrunk out of my clothes I would get rid of stained stuff or things that were clearly out of style, but my core I kept: jean skirt collection, a pair of jeans or pants I like, a few neutral shirts… But the collection grew rapidly and more copiously than I thought it would. Initially I thought it would fill a plastic bin or two, but it took over my closet, my garage and just bugged me. Then I realized that when and if I ever did/do need those clothes again that they are going to be just as out of style as the tshirts and tops that I was already getting rid of. The pant legs flare, the waists are short… You get the idea.
So I bit the bullet this weekend and organized all of the clothes by size. I’ve asked a few friends if they would like a few clothes that might fit them today or that might fit them as they make their way down the size charts. I’m getting rid of them, regardless. They don’t fit into my life or on my body any longer.
It feels weird, but I honestly will be surprised if I ever get above a size 18 again. I’m committed to my health and this, honestly, feels like one more way of letting that part of myself go. I loved these clothes. It’s hard to let them go in the same way it’s hard for me to clearly see myself again. I hope their next owners love them as much as I did, and I hope that saying goodbye to these clothes helps me to turn the corner and say hello to the newer version of myself. 🙂

We bought our WiiFit Meters with the intention of just kind of seeing what kinds of numbers we keep, activity-wise. I have to say, they made us really cognizant of all of our activity. They really allowed us to see what we were doing versus what we thought we were doing.
Mostly, for me, I think that I walk a lot more in my day to day life than I actually do. I only take between 4000-6000 steps per day. It takes about 2000 steps to make a mile, so it takes an intentional run or walk at the end of the day to make my goal of 10,000 steps.
The other day I was reading at Runs For Cookies about how Katie took a challenge to make 10,000 steps per day for a month. She was kind of laughing about how difficult it was to make the goal, how tired she was. I started laughing because I thought that 10,000 steps was what I was supposed to get! I started researching and found out that my average was pretty average for American women. In other countries, more steps are way more common. I suppose living in such a vehicle-rich society lends itself to fewer steps. So, while my goal was a bit out there for my culture, it still seems like a reasonable milestone for most days for me. I’ve met it most days, I just need to keep being intentional.
***
I took last week off. It was an interesting experience since I seriously just went off plan. I didn’t diet, I didn’t exercise, I didn’t think about it much at all. For a couple of days I worried that I was embracing going off track a little to well, but then I started noticing that I wasn’t actually having th at hard if a time. I wasn’t overeating and my food choices were reasonable. In fact, when I weighed in yesterday I was half a pound down, and even briefly saw my Dietbet goal of 207.
I realized that if I hit the diet and exercise hard for March, April and May, I should be in the 180’s by the time summer hits. That would feel pretty amazing. The last time I was in the 180’s, I was 17 and about to go to the prom in a size 12 dress. Wouldn’t that be amazing if I could fit back into my prom dress for my promiversary in May? Hmmmm… Unofficial goal made. 🙂
***
I was all prepared to make a running goal this week. I realized that I lose weight best when I’m running, so I want to re-assert my efforts in that area. We went for a hike yesterday (hence the photographs). It was slippery and intense and re-activated my lower back issues. Today, even though I was a teensy bit sore still, I decided to go for a run and to do the hill. We did both and after I got home, my neck started hurting so much that I feel like I’m going to throw up! Ack! So, my goal was to take at least two more runs this week, but not if I feel this way. I’ll have to wait and see…
I hope I feel better tomorrow or the next day. Then I can get things rolling again and can get some of this excess off my belly!

I looked like this:

The second one I took a few days ago. It’s unbelievable to see the changes that I’ve made. It seems like much longer ago that I looked like that, but at the same time also still feel like I look like that today!

Do you ever give yourself a social coma intentionally?
I was an early adopter of Facebook. I jumped from MySpace to Facebook during the months when all you did was poke your friends and send them badges. I really didn’t know what else to do with it! Eventually, I became one of the addicted ones. I had it on my phone, my iPad and would check it religiously throughout the day whenever I needed, what I call, a brain break (a 15 second vacation from the myriad of issues that arise at work or home), during my work breaks, in the car while Bradley drove… I was into it. Seriously.
A few weeks ago, maybe even more than a month ago, I went off Facebook. It started with a request post I made asking for a donation. Initially, tons of people pledged things to me, and after several days of trying to use Facebook to message people (messaging was being difficult) who were unable to locate said promised items I just got overwhelmed (not all people flaked, but I became the biggest flake when I abruptly went offline in that community). I found myself dreading going on Facebook. When there was a notification, my heart would beat wildly and I would start panicking and fostering a nice, juicy anxiety/panic attack. After a while, I wondered why I was continuing to participate in a system that was causing me so much stress. So I stopped, cold turkey.
At first, it was difficult to stop it- the habit of always checking in, of having that instant feedback, of having my ego massaged, making my connections- that was hard to change. I also realized that I’m not really cutting anyone I know off- most everyone who knows me visits me here and we keep in touch via text. We’re all good, right? I found interesting things to do, and I can say I have only been on Facebook twice since stopping. Once, to contact a friend who, otherwise, is practically impossible to talk to, and another time when I needed to cyber stalk someone. Don’t give me that dirty look; we all do it! The result has been, however, a feeling of peace. It’s amazing how cutting that one thing out of my life made me feel a little better. It was one drop removed from my bowl of crazy right now…
I can’t go into it all, but my job is super tricky this year and it’s causing me massive stress. Sleep is a challenge, happiness is a challenge and I’m finding that life, in general, is becoming a huge challenge. It is a celebration when I get through a day without crying out of frustration and stress. It’s been a really hard year and it is taking its toll. Oh my goodness, is it ever.
The last few days I’ve just kind of taken a vacation from social and diet stuff. Taking Facebook off of the menu was a great idea, but I’m a busy girl. I have a couple of blogs, I’m working out all the time, I’m being a mom, I’m saying “No!” to food often… And I’m worn out. Yesterday I ate my lunch. The whole thing. Even the bread and butter. (Bradley always packs me a big lunch. Way more food than I want/need. He’s my little Italian grandma who worries about how much I eat! LOL!) Today, I did it again. I ate my whole lunch and ten Mike and Ike’s. And I don’t even like Mike and Ike’s! I didn’t meet my diet bet and forfeited 15 smackaroos (my final was 209, blah) and I just want a break from it all. Is it strange that I categorize and keep track of all this stuff? Absolutely, but have been doing this for sooooooo long now in earnest! It has been a year of super hard diligent work, but I’ve been dieting for three-four years now….
It’s all adding up to be too much for me right now.

My husband texted this to me. He found this little scene in our kids’ bathroom.
Levity.
🙂

Bradley is sick. He has some weird, low-grade fever that has made his body its home for the past few days. He’s laying low and, as a result, the rest of us are too. What a better day to make a project of, eh? So here you have it, a day in the life of Tamara Shazam!

My morning up officially started at 4:12, when I woke up. I laid in bed for a few hours listening to meditations, music, and finally, I binge watched some of this:

I’m kind of obsessed right now. I’m nearly done with the last season though, so that’s about to change.

Breakfast was breakfast burritos (one serving= about 1.3 eggs, one Morningstar vegetarian sausage, one tortilla (I usually eat a bout 2/3 of one), a little cheese and as much salsa as will fit in there. I’m obsessed with salsa lately. Obsessed. I want it on everything. I never thought I’d be that guy!

I went for a nice run after breakfast. I was impressed that I hit the streets before 10:00AM. My miles averaged out to tens. I’ve gotten a lot slower, but today felt cleaner than yesterday. I got my heart into the 150’s and 160’s again. I really pushed myself on the hills and felt like a powerful runner again. It was really nice.

I needed to go to Target. So I did. I was all excited to have some time to meander by myself, but I found myself rushing and irritated, anxious to get back to my family. I missed our chatter. I missed my man. I love being with him.

I bought two of these pictured things, looked admiringly at one, and one of these pictures is an attempt to show the falling snow. It was so sparse that it was hard to catch on film, but believe me, it was falling. 🙂

I got home to find my family all curled up like cats in bed together. I quickly joined them, but even though I showered earlier I didn’t wash my hair. It felt icky, so…

I share this picture because of my iPad apparatus. Showering is not just a method of getting clean for me- oh no. I enjoy showering more like a hobby, and while I’m enjoying my hobby, sometimes I watch tv, read articles online, check my email, listen to music or write for this website.

Then it was lunch- cheese, fruit, vegetables and I had diet Pepsi. Quite the meal. 😉 (To be clear- shared by four people, FYI. I did not eat all of that. WE did not eat all of that!)

I headed downstairs to do some weights (Bowflex) and checked my WiiFit meter in.

I remembered that today is March 1st, and looked at my goals. I wanted to finish my Hawaii track and get to the next level on the Grand Canyon for the altitude challenge. I totally met both of my goals! Yahoo! That tells me that I did a good job of sticking with exercise throughout February!

I went running today!
Man, it felt good. I haven’t done a tremendous amount of running this month (cold, wet, YUCK!), so it was a little bit harder of a run than I’m used to. I’ve been working out and keeping my heart rate in the 120-130 range. Today I took my heart rate three different times, and every time it was in the 160’s or 150’s. Bradley, comparably, stayed in the 130’s. We both commented that it’s interesting how different our workouts are, even though we are doing the exact same thing.
Current workout dogma (or Jillian Michaels and a guy at work who knows a guy who…) states that you should hit a high, intense heart rate for a burst- like how you use your body in real life- and then come back down and keep doing that. Like sprints, I guess. I suppose that makes sense. After all, I lost a good amount of weight last year just pounding the pavement around and around my neighborhood as hard as I could.
*
My Old Navy order came today. I ordered everything in a size 16 and it all fits just perfectly. Like, just on this side of being slightly too big. That was pretty awesome! I was able to replace all of my jean skirts, finally. They have been out of my size forever and they don’t sell jean skirts anywhere except the Old Navy plus sized section online. This is to be my last one until they come in style for people under a size 16, I guess. Perhaps that is a sign that I am way out of style, but I am a dedicated jean skirt wearer and that is just a fact that the fashion world will have to deal with. It is weird to me that, in a profession where we work with small children, use paint and glue, get thrown up on, wipe noses and have to kneel, squat and get on the floor all the time, that this is a profession where we are supposed to dress like professional business people. I need something to keep me grounded! The jean skirts stay! 🙂
*
I’m not sure why, but the word gracious has entered my vocabulary in the last two weeks. Like, anytime something happens where you might say ‘OMG!’ or ‘crap!’ I’m heard saying, “Oh, gracious!” like some old lady or something. What is up with that?! I even had a friend from work ask me if that is what I really was saying. Yes. Yes, I am.
*
In case you were worried, my evaluation went well, of course. I am not sure why I get my tail all in a twist over that stuff. I really need to have a little more confidence and belief in myself and my abilities. I’m a kind, rigorous and solid teacher. Why I doubt this in the presence of others, I’ll never know. After the evaluation process ended, so did my anxiety. Imagine that.
*

I’m at another point in my weightloss project where I don’t recognize myself. I find myself staring in the mirror, again, trying to memorize myself. I am taking lots of selfies, again, and studying them like crazy trying to get to know me again. It’s weird. It’s a lot like when you go down a size. Like, one day those pants seemed just fine, and two days later they look terrible,baggy, gapped and awful! You look at yourself, and, all of the sudden, you can just see it. You’ve made the transition to a different size. That’s my face- I will all of the sudden just hit this place where I see it, and I look different, I get way surprised. So here’s one of the pics- smile and no smile in the exact same position. Weird, huh?
How solipsistic can I be? Ha ha!
*
I had all but given up on my diet bet, then I weighed myself after my run to see myself weighing in at 208.5!!! I have been hovering all around 208-209, but if I’m very careful and focused, I might be able to do it… It is possible to get to 207 by late Saturday if I do this right. We will see if I can do it! I may still be a contender!!
*
Gracious! That was a lot!

( …Sometimes I just like to take a really dorky selfie.  I’m not even sure why, I just know I get such pleasure from acting all silly and cheesy…

And then looking at it.)

Somehow I hurt my back. I mean, I think I know what did it, all the push-push-pushing to exercise like a crazy person. Did you know I have not missed more than two days in a row since right after Christmas? And I have been working out pretty hard, when I do. I’m not surprised. Today, however, I feel much better than I did yesterday. Yesterday I was, literally, five minutes away from letting my kids in from recess and a mere 15 minutes away from my principal coming in to formally observe me teach a lesson when my back suddenly went ‘TWANG!” I was standing still when it happened, not twist or tweak or anything. It just suddenly got all tight and twangy and continued to build up. I quickly took a Tylenol, knowing full well that a hurt back would be an unnecessary distraction in a high pressure situation. By the time I got home I was really feeling it and really freaked out that I was going to go down for a while, so I am ridiculously happy that I feel better today!

(The Hubs bought a tiny chocolate pudding cake and then they asked for Mama’s Special Frosting.  How could I say no?!  Hijinks were had with the frosting.  It’s true.)

To that end, I have decided to lay off the home gym a little. I have noticed that my back tends to get a little tired when I do a lot of elliptical and stationary bicycle. I think that all the Jillian Michaels exasperated the whole thing too, but who knows? Tomorrow I am planning to go for a run. It’s ironic to me that running, of all things, seems to cause my body the least amount of stress at this point. Running is supposed to destroy you, right? How is it that it works so well for me, the Amazon? (This is a compliment as I adore Wonder Woman, the most awesome Amazon Woman of all.) I think it is time to get back outdoors. I felt all spring-like today and I kind of yearned to go out in the weather for a bit. I suppose taking quick exercise breaks is good for teaching me that I actually, really enjoy doing it.

***

I am not sure how the diet bet is going to go down on Saturday.  I’m brewing an awesome batch of PMS, so I’m anywhere from 207-213 given the time of day and which day.  I’m all over the place.  I know I did well body-wise, I’m just not sure how I did fat-loss wise.  My clothes are totally fitting differently and I am shrinking.  I can see it, but…  We will just have to wait and see what happens on Saturday, when the thing comes to a close.  I am really hoping to pull an awesome number at the end.  The pot is looking more and more wonderful the closer I get to losing my share!

*Title in honor of Dr. Suess’s birthday, which would have been this weekend.  🙂

Today was delightful. We woke up with big plans to go to the zoo, to go for a walk, to do all these fancy things… But we didn’t do anything. Instead, we hunkered down in our house and hung out, family style. We collectively did the Jillian Michaels Six Week Six Pack routine, then, while the kids cleaned their rooms, I did 30 minutes on the elliptical and Bradley bowlexed the heck out of his arms.

The rest of the day was spent getting ready for my work week, playing with the kids, shopping for clothes online and surfing through YouTube. I know, there are more productive ways to spend my time, but I saw some amazing spoken word poetry and decided to include a couple of my favorites…

*to be clear, I don’t necessarily find these all personally connecting, it’s more that I respect and admire when people authentically express themselves publicly and say the hard things that are scary to say aloud.*

This is, by far, my favorite TED Talk of all time. It’s hard to ask for things, but it’s important to remember that asking allows someone else to give, and the act of giving is, in and of itself, gratifying.

This guy writes about having OCD and love. I see both sides of this argument- the person who solves the complex mystery of curing a mental illness by finding ‘the one’ and the person who bears the burden of being the cure, ‘the one’.

This girl swears, just FYI. I’m no shrinking violet when it comes to swearing, but I try not to publish F-Bombs on my website. That said, there were parts of this that definitely rang true to me- walking hand in hand with my skinny boy- and parts that Really didn’t ring true. It took me until I was 37 years old to actually believe that someone could think I was pretty. All along in my marriage I just assumed that I had that great of a personality, never could he love me for my appearance as well. Self doubt is an ugly thing that plants ugly seeds.
On an interesting note, as soon as I accepted that my husband found me pretty at any weight I started losing. Isn’t that interesting?

And I can’t leave you with all those melancholy sads. This is the strangest, and simultaneously creepy/hilarious ad from Old Spice. Bradley gets the heebie jeebies from it while I can’t watch it with a straight face yet or walk around after without chortling to myself uncontrollably, and I have watched it many times.
I know, this isn’t necessarily terribly connected to weightloss, but… Whatever. 🙂
***
My goals this week are to work out for five out of seven days and to skip night food except tea. When I don’t munch after 7:30 or so I’m much better at losing weight. 🙂