Diary

We had fruit flies, I tried this trick and Bradley illustrated it 🙂
I’ve been going around and around lately trying to figure out what I want to post on my website. If I’m perfectly honest, I’ve had a bit of a tough time lately because I just don’t know what to write. Sometimes I think it needs to be dedicated to fitness and weight loss, and other times I feel like it needs to have more about who I am and how I live my life, like a lifestyle blog or something- with importance placed on Weight Loss and fitness of course. Mostly think, though, that September rolls around and life just takes on a whole new complexity as I get rolling with the new year and new students.
This year has had additional stress because I moved schools and grade levels. I didn’t think it was going to be that big of a deal, I have moved schools before, I have started at new schools before, I have started new jobs before and it has never been a big deal. I’ve always thought of myself as very flexible and that I adjust very easily to new situations.
It has been hard, though, to adjust to the newness of the place. It’s weird to walk around and not know anybody. I mean, I know some people, but the majority of the staff is still nameless to me. I say hello and talk to many, but am having that difficulty. The culture of the school is very different than the ones that came before. There’s nothing wrong with anything, but it’s an adjustment. More than anything, however, the extra commute stinks, coupled with the adjustment of my work hours, I leave home at 7:30 and get home around five. That’s a full hour longer than I’m used to, and I really feel it in my family time. I miss my kids so much, I miss Bradley terribly and they are missing me. You wouldn’t think an hour would be that big of a deal, but it is!
I’m not going to say that I’m entirely unhappy, though, or anything even close to that- quite the contrary. As I’m adjusting to my new setting, I’m finding myself in more of a comfortable place than I have been in a long time. I’m actually believing in myself again, I’m seeing myself as the wonderful, warm educator that I believed I was, then wondered if I actually embodied, for several years. I’m finding joy again, actually. I’m realizing that all those years I taught intermediate grades were wonderful and good, but I think for now my heart is in the early primary grades. I love these little people. They’re busy, silly, out of their seats all the time and complaining about the hard work of counting on their fingers from seven to ten to find out the difference and all I can do is smile and laugh, because what else can you do? Seven year olds defy logic and reason, so it’s laughter, now. I find myself so much more forgiving and I find myself playing along with them, having fun with them every day. I’m finding the joy I was seeking in my job again.
This week, when I saw that glimmer of joy, I committed to finding it. I realized that part of being a happy person and a happy teacher is looking at my job and seeking out the positive things I like about being there. I realized that a few years ago teaching started feeling like a job, and you need to understand that I was the type of teacher who was antsy during her six week maternity leave to get back to work. I enjoyed summers, but really looked forward to getting back in the classroom. Over the past few years I started missing Bradley all day, every day, every moment while I was at work. I started fantasizing about being able to stay home every day, quitting teaching altogether, but I gritted my teeth and forged forward in order to support my family. I saw it as a necessity; selling my life by the minute to someone else, when I’d rather be doing things with my husband and family. That’s not to say I didn’t love the kids or didn’t put my all into my job, but my heart wasn’t backing it up, my will was.
But this year I keep being surprised by moments of joy, and every time I think excitedly, “I’m enjoying teaching!” I marvel and wonder that this is happening. I thrill at my excitement to do my job. We play, every day. We act things out. We sing, we dance! They love openly. It’s just so fun and happy! So while it’s still an adjustment, it’s one worth being patient for and one I’m excited to re-engage with.

Do I know my ABC’s? My students pointed out that I got this mixed up… I agree but have to wait for my taller husband to take it down for me!

I was watching The Biggest Loser recently and Bob Harper, the trainer, started addressing the issue of shame around food. Dealing with my food shame was a really difficult thing. Even now, sometimes I find myself saying a blanket statement about how I process food so much differently that my husband, that my body seeks out fat and carbs when left to its own devices, so I need to be careful. Admitting things like that is a lot like talking about intimate money issues or sex. People look surprised that I earnestly and willingly share that ice cream is so yummy to me that I don’t have a lot of control around it!
Bob started talking about how we shouldn’t have shame about the foods we like, that we can still have them, we just need to figure out how they work into our diets. We shouldn’t hide what we eat because we shouldn’t have the shame. And to differentiate shame from guilt, I’ll turn to Brene Brown’s definition: Guilt- we feel guilty when we ate something bad. We feel shame when we think we are a bad person for eating a poor food choice.
Food has defined me for ages- shame was a frequent visitor in my childhood and young adulthood. After some reflection, I started thinking of all the times I’ve sneaked food. When I was a kid, I would stealthily sneak into the pantry, grab something without making it crinkle, then I’d dash up the stairs to consume it quickly in my room. Forget about Girlscout Cookie time, soccer candy bar sales, or any other fund raiser where I sold food. I would use my babysitting money to eat and eat and eat whatever I was selling, alone, up in my bedroom. It felt awful. When Bradley and I first moved in together, I would keep nuts and candy in my underwear drawer and when Bradley left the house, I would shove it in my mouth as fast as I could, both because I wanted to eat it and because I was ashamed of hoarding food, so I wanted to destroy the evidence that I had bought, hidden and eaten food that my husband would have been just fine with. But I felt deep shame. Weak. Untrustworthy.
I will admit, now, to a current fancy chocolate collection. It began as a transparent way to hoard food (just in case I had a chocolate emergency and needed to binge, I suppose) and now the collection has shrunk to only a beautiful golden star of chocolate and a giant Hershey’s kiss that reminds me of my late Grandma Johnson. I’ve let go of and eaten or shared my stash, and I haven’t been compelled to rebuild it. If I want chocolate I just go to the store and buy it.
Anyhow, that just triggered a lot of thoughts about food and shame and me. I’m glad to say that speaking my truth, reflecting and sharing my demons has made them lose most of their power over me. Openly admitting that I lurve (way more than love) fried foods is really hard. No one is supposed to like that stuff- we just eat it because it’s handy, right? (And delicious and crispy and moist and if there is a better way to make food deliciously crispy then please tell me what it is!) But we act like it’s just repulsive and we feel such repellant shame that most people who do, indeed, love Red Robin’s French fries, will talk down about fried foods because of the shame. I don’t think fried food is the culprit, serving sizes and frequency of intake is the problem. I believe that I can still eat the food I love, in this case, RR fries. I just need to limit it to that one or two times a year we go out to eat. And when I do, I need to moderate myself. No shame needed, right?
I guess, to make a long story short, one of my most powerful tools has been to admit that I have a problem with certain foods, to name the problem and then I make a plan for how I’m going to publicly incorporate them into my diet. That said, some things I had to leave behind for a while before I was able to eat them again.

I haven’t changed a thing except my intensity. You know how the trainers on tv and in every book or online article you’ve ever read they say if you hit a plateau you need to change something? Welp, that was definitely the case. I haven’t changed my diet or the amount I exercise,* but I did change my intensity.
I’ve been going back and forth about what to do, as you know. I’ve been really focused on building lean muscle mass while also burning fat. That is a really tricky proposition because the workouts and diets to reach each goal are fairly different. I decided to not concern myself with any more muscle build until I get the fat off of me. After the fat is gone, then I can kind of bulk up a little, I guess.
So what am I doing that is different? I dialed back the intensity of my workouts so my heart never goes above149 or below 130 during my workout. It’s working well- I’m finally below 208 and I’m back to my all-time low of in the 205’s! Yahoo! Clearly this is working and I should keep it up.
*The other shift is minor- I’ve been holding myself accountable to 10,000 steps per day. In general, this means on days I don’t work out I need to go for a two mile walk or I don’t meet my goal. On days I do work out I usually exceed the 10,000.
Update: I weighed in this morning at 204!!! I only have four more pounds until I’m no longer ‘obese’ and I’ll just be plain, old overweight!!! Wahoo!

Yesterday a mass email and Facebook post went out to all of the teachers who left my school last year.* In it, we were wished a great start to a new year and words about missing seeing one another were shared. It triggered a huge outpouring of grief in me over missing out on seeing all of my former staff comrades, all of my former students, their families, their little brothers and sisters. I guess the community at large… It gave me a huge case of the sads, and I got a little worried about my year.
The worrying was needless.
NEEDLESS

So, the sads yesterday? HA! Today at about 2:00, I looked up at my class of buzzing 2nd graders. They were busily cutting out superheroes with scissors, picking up scraps, chatting quietly with friends and I was smacked upside the heart with pure joy. I am so happy that I can’t even believe it. I was sobbing when I told Bradley about my day, but not with tears of grief, sorrow or anxiety, I was sobbing happily. With joy.
These people:

I’m telling ya.
I’m a super lucky teacher this year. I’ve struck gold. 😉
*A tiny bit of backstory- last year the teachers at my school were given a rare opportunity to switch schools. Several of us were excited about change and a fresh start, so we set out to find new homes. Most of us landed at different schools, but we keep in touch and are a nice, little, supportive community.

We ran Friday! Dear reader, it has been a stone’s age since I’ve shared a derpy run pic of the day, but here you are, my sweaty mug, running down the road. We ran a little under two miles at a 11:30 pace. For hitting the actual, real-live road in front of our house again for the first time in a month, I’ll call it a success! Plus? I’ve now met one of my weekly goals- run outside. See how that goal list just propels me forward?!?!

Then, today, we called a couple of friends and had a fabulous time at the high school track running and walking for a little over an hour while the kids ran, walked and played. It was really fun to see two of my favorite friends and actually spend some uninterrupted time talking, running and walking with each of them. One of my friends and I are doing the Rock and Roll Half Marathon in June of next year and the other is just beginning to run. I’ve been hitting the gym pretty well this week, so I let myself have a rest day and didn’t push too hard. Since she’s just starting, we only ran just under a mile and walked at a really good pace for the rest. It was a really fun way to get a workout in on the last official day of summer!

So, to recap my goals for the week:
I’m 4-5 miles in, two outdoor runs, I’ve got two days with 10,000 steps both days and I’ve already hit my 150 minutes of cardio.

See that picture?!?! That is exactly how I felt when I got on the elliptical today. I don’t know about you, but I find that if I get away from my exercise routine for any significant length of time, I lose confidence in myself as an athletic, capable person. This morning I knew I needed to get it going. August was so busy that I didn’t get all of my workouts in. In fact, I would say that I probably worked out about eight to ten times during August. Maybe more, maybe less, but we hiked, traveled, got my classroom ready, swam and a myriad of other things. Exercise for the sake of working out just seemed exhausting!

Today my goal was to break that cycle and finally get back to it. I didn’t rely on motivation or anything else to get on the machine, I had to use straight up determination. It was all up to me, nothing external was going to get me rolling and I wanted nothing to do with the workout! I was grumpy, surly and irritable as I started the workout. Everything was an inconvenience, and the most irritating thing was that my son was watching Handy Manny on the tv in our home gym, and that’s what made me realize what a crab I was being. He was working out, too, which is very impressive for him. I needed to let him use the tv, I could use my iPad, so I just got going and stopped letting small inconveniences ruin my ability to work it out!

About 15 minutes into the workout I started feeling better. It’s funny, this whole business of a runner’s high, or whatever, and how true it is. Nothing fixes a foul mood for me like a workout. My head gets cleared out, I start making plans, creating goals… It’s like everything becomes clarified and transparent somehow. I started using the commercials from The Biggest Loser for circuit timings (I was watching it on my iPad) to hop off of the elliptical and jump onto the stair stepper machine or to do some reps on my arms then back to cardio, either the treadmill or the elliptical. I watched almost an entire episode of season 11, burned well over 500 calories, spent 90 minutes in my spaceship (home gym) using all my equipment except the stationary cycle, and got a whole new attitude about my day!

While I was on my machines getting my sweat on, I remembered that one of the best ways for me to get rolling with a so,I’d workout plan is to use regular and reasonable goal setting, so I’m going to do that here.
By next Friday, I want to:
Hit 10,000 steps every day.
Hit 150 minutes of cardio.
Work my arms out three times.
Run outside at least once.
Run at least ten miles.

I’ve learned that I don’t really have food problems so much anymore. Which is really weird. Junky food is not satisfying to me any longer. I’ve realized, aside from my ice cream habit, I am not terribly interested in junk. I like my diet of eating all the protein, fruit and veggies I want and mostly just monitoring my dairy and carb intake and find that the other stuff makes me complacent, sluggish and apathetic. I just hope that this shift last until I die. Seriously!

Work started today. There aren’t any kids in class or anything until next Wednesday, but we are back. We are gathered around tables in the library debating schedules, sharing summer stories and laughing- lots of laughing. I think I landed in a pretty wonderful school. As for my classroom? I keep plugging away at it and keep leaving for the day feeling like I’ve made little progress- though I can rattle off the myriad of things that I did accomplish today. My room just seems a mess, still, and forget about curriculum. I have a big weekend ahead of me! That said, I know everything is fine and will be fine next week, it’s just a matter of getting this big list accomplished!

I wrote this several days ago, and keep second guessing whether or not I should post it. I’m embarrassed that people will think I’m crazy, but that very thought is what is making me post it. I know it is helpful for me to hear other people’s experiences reflect something like I have is helpful. Hopefully this might be helpful?!?! This day manifested a nasty anxiety/depression reaction for me that I’m fully over now. I think I was a little worried about a few things and a small thing triggered me.

I’ve spent the last, several years trying to shift the things I say to myself in my head. Of all the things that are a challenge in this weightloss project, the words I speak to myself are the hardest to get over. I possess a mind that is brilliant at oblivion and naïveté. I am like Joey, from Friends, sometimes. Like, it takes me a little longer to arrive at the punchline for some jokes, but it’s usually because I wonder if I’m thinking the right way! I just don’t see things and I usually assume the best of people until they show me, without a shadow of a doubt, that they are scoundrels. Because of that, I think I’m often blissfully ignorant of the things that people have said or looks that I may have received… But I can’t be ignorant of the things I make myself say to myself.

It’s horrible. At my lowest moments, I’m the one saying that I’m not good enough, that I’m not special, that I’m genetically predispositioned as an unconventionally attractive (read: weird-looking) person. I ask my self who I think I am and why I think I deserve the things I try for. I’m ugly. Fat. Lazy. Terribly awkward, terribly un-funny, I try too hard, I take it too far, I say the wrong things. I’m hopeless. I have a huge horse-head and flab everywhere. I’m a liar, I’m dishonest, slow, unintelligent, confused and a ditzy airhead. I’m not ‘adorkable’, I’m just a dork. I tell myself that everyone sees and knows all of this and they befriend me out of pity.
But the worst is when I tell myself I’m not special. Usually this is done through tears- I literally bully myself and make myself cry as I repeat it like a mantra, looking directly into my own eyes: you’re not special. You are not special. You are not special. You’re not special, at all… And I trade places, emotionally, as my eyes squint, meanly, like a bully, then widen in shock, as the victim, and fresh tears fall as I continue this sick game with myself. It feels strangely good to hurt myself deeply like that, something I don’t understand.

I hate when I get into a cycle like that, and sometimes it’s really hard to stop it. Like, right now, I’m in this cycle. I had a hard, hard, f*cking day, today. I got a professional haircut- the first pretty much since I’ve been with Bradley (he usually cuts and colors my hair) and it just resulted in a barrage of insecurities raining down on me. I hated on myself viciously, I told myself I’m not special, and right now, I am a willing believer. I believe all of those lies and I know they are lies. I also know that I have a strategy to chase them out.

You see, over the past few years I’ve been doing this to myself in another way. When I feel good, really good, I allow myself a selfie photograph. I allow myself to look long and hard at myself saying that I’m worthy of the challenge I’m giving myself. If I don’t try, I fail by default. I’m generous and caring. I’m actually smart, quick and clever. I’m successful, funny, likeable, honest, warm and kind. I tell myself I’m a great teacher, a good mom and a wonderful wife. I allow myself to marvel at my mermaid hair, make duck faces, kissy faces- any faces I want and let myself be charmed with what I see. I tell myself that I’m beautiful, I let myself be surprised at how pretty I am and wonder if it’s a trick, briefly, before I let myself blink back into a place where I’m enough. More than enough. A place where I matter. Where I’m special. Where I stand out. Where I’m more than adorkable or even more than a non-standardly beautiful woman. When I feel bad I try to replace one repeating negative loop with another, and it’s getting easier, but it’s still hard. I didn’t even want to write about it here because I knew as soon as I started writing about it I would have to put the strategy into practice.
And I did. I told myself that it’s ok to get new hair. That it’s ok to spend $100 on a cut and color. I’m worthy of having hair that has been treated with kindness. I would never say I deserve it or am entitled to it, but as a treat once every 16 years, I think it’s ok.
I feel a little better, now. I began this post, went and saw the movie Maleficent, with my family, and a little distance from reality was helpful. Realizing I haven’t posted any comparison pics in ages, I looked through my photos and lined some things up to post here, and saw the difference I have made in myself. I saw the strength I have laid out in photographs before me. I saw the evidence of my power as a woman and human being. I remembered possibility and began to come back to earth again. I forget how far I’ve come, sometimes. I made myself see it. It was a good thing to see, tonight. I needed the boost.

I am ever looking for more information about diet. Everything I read says to do the weights because the weights build muscle and to do the cardio because it burns fat, but I want to eat a diet that helps me to build muscle and burn fat at the same time! It’s pretty tricky. At this point, I have decided to throw my hands in the air and just pick one- and I pick weightloss. I can bulk up and build muscle later, I guess. Not that I can’t build a little while I lose, I just feel the need to be focused on that one area so my head will stop spinning. 😉

Anyhow, as I was looking around for the magic diet that will be everything for me, I noticed that some folks who are presently training take pictures of their food and share it on their blogs, so I decided to do that today to show a typical diet for me. What I realized along the way was that taking pictures of everything I eat before I eat it actually prevented me from eating some stuff. Like, there was this heel that I cut off a delicious looking multigrain bread loaf and I so wanted to pick it up and eat it, but the thought of taking a picture of it totally deterred me. That made me think that photographing my food for a while might make me more attentive to my calorie intake.

It wasn’t a perfect system, as I found myself getting tea and water downstairs at 10:30 last night and I nibbled on some tomatoes and mozzarella leftovers and had a bag of pop chips, but in spite of that, I liked doing this and may again in the future when I feel myself unwinding.  By the way- those Doritos were simply sitting on the table, nowhere near me, when I smelled the most delicious smell in existence.  I sniffed around until I got to the Doritos bag and discovered that they should seriously make a plugin of that lovely corn chip plus cool ranch flavor.   Mouth watering.  I guess it’s been a while since I’ve had a real Dorito!

Today’s workout was good. I spend 30 minutes running on the treadmill while watching the original Tenacious D HBO show on Hulu or Amazon Prime. I don’t remember which, I just know I squealed with happiness when I made that discovery. I loved that show when it came out in the 1990’s (I know it’s filthy, but sometimes you need filth to distract you from sweat) and I never saw it completely. Guess what I’m watching today while I run again? The hottie behind me worked his arms, crunched his abs and ran too. I felt pretty satisfied with this day! I’m noticing that I’m eating pretty fresh and for decent weightloss, but I definitely need to up my protein!