Wagon? What Wagon?

I’ve fallen so far off of the wagon that I can’t even see it anymore. I know I said I was going to forgive myself right now because it’s been just, well, insane, but oh my goodness. This weekend I ate pretty much anything I felt like putting in my mouth. I ate, even when I was full, which is a humongous no-no for me. Then, today, I sat in my classroom after my students left and ate the Fritos that have been in my classroom since February along with 2/3 of a sleeve of Girlscout Thin Mint cookies while watching a home renovation show in my rocking chair. You see, I packed my classroom all day, worked with kids all day, played kickball in the blazing sun AND shared my meager little lunch with Bradley (who was working in my classroom as the best packer-mover, ever)! I earned those junky treats, right? Except… I never allow myself to make excuses for poor eating. I have to own what I really did and remind myself that food is never a reward- I can’t allow myself to ‘earn’ food. It’s a choice and a necessity, not a prize. I looked long and hard at those cookies before finally decided that, yes, I would happily work those calories off, later this summer, in numerous runs and workouts in order to have 20 minutes of peace, stillness and mindless munching on salt, fat and sugar. I can’t say that it was worth it or that I’ll love working them off necessarily, but I will say that I sure enjoyed the yummies and the moment of peace I got while enjoying them.

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After I allowed my transgression, I got right back to packing up my room and nearly finished the whole thing, so that was worth it. Before that I had been feeling quite tired and like throwing in the towel, heading home, but I feel good that I made so much progress, now. My room is about an hour from being ‘done’ for the year. My only wish would have been for more time to pack. I feel like I’ve lost precious time with my dear students in lieu of packing up my room, but there’s really no other way without working unpaid hours. I have a hard time giving more when I already work so much extra and pay so much of my own money to support my classroom. It’s a choice I make, yes, but I’m allowed to make this choice, too. Tomorrow will be great because I worked hard today. Tomorrow I get to be Mrs. Littlejohn, again, for one last full teaching day with these kiddos. We are doing all kinds of things with marshmallows and s’mores tomorrow. It will be a day of sticky wonder! They’re leaving their mark on my heart, for sure.

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I pretty much know that I am at the end of this eating-off-the-wagon round. I’m running to catch up to the proverbial wagon and I’m getting back on. After Wednesday comes and goes, along with my last day of school for the year, life will get back to normal, my diet will return to normal, my workout schedule can resume and it will all work out. In the meantime, however, I reached out to my friends to see if they will support me this week via Facebook. It’s rare that I appeal to my mainstream friends group. I try not to inundate them with Tamara Shazam types of announcements about my weight or workouts because, well, that’s annoying to some people. But this time I need them in a big way. I need my posse, so to speak. I need to get back on track and to feeling in control again so I can step on the scale and see what happened to my numbers. Oh, please, don’t let me be back over 200… But it’s up to me. I’ve got this.

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