Sunshine

Sunshine. We are getting a real dose of it right now, and usually we don’t have this much. The result? We are staying outside until all hours playing then dropping into bed exhausted and crashing to sleep. It’s a good feeling, but one that doesn’t lend itself to keeping a blog!
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We headed out to the beach on Monday. It is the earliest we have ever swam before, which made frightening visions of global warming go through my head (so sad that I can’t just enjoy the sun- I have to shame myself about global warming on a gift like that day). The beach was beautiful, the sun was shining, the kids were splashing, and I wore my bikini to the public beach. Guess what? Nobody laughed or pointed. Nobody stared. Nobody cared, even when the dude’s dog came and dropped a ‘package’ 3 feet from my hip and he apologetically came over and conversationally cleaned it up- he didn’t care! It was no biggie to anyone- except me. Enter bikini season!
I sit in a funny place in the fat acceptance movement. As I have said before, no matter what size I have been, I have always liked myself. My husband has always been crazy-nuts for me since the moment he first saw me. (he can tell the story sometime, I was a size 20/22) While my weight did keep me from doing some things, it wasn’t from worrying about embarrassment (usually), it was actual physical limitations.
I was thinking about how I fit into the fat acceptance movement now, and realized that my current size will never matter. I can support my bikini wearing brethren no matter if I’m fat or thin. Certainly, the fact that I’m choosing my weight right now (and that it is a lower weight) is helpful in allowing me clarity to advocate and understand my place, but shouldn’t we all be able to wear what we want regardless of our size? Shouldn’t a ‘bikini body’ just be a body with a bikini on it? Why was I so scared to go do that?

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So far I’m keeping with my goals for the week. I am letting myself have my miles from Sunday’s hike as part of my mileage this week. Before you call cheat, let me just explain that the hike really took it out of me and has required a bit of muscle swelling and bruised joint healing. I have managed to run both Monday and Tuesday nights, but just once around the big block (1.8 miles)*. Add the heat to my recovery and running has been tough this week. So at this point I’m at about 9 miles for the week. Clearly I’ll make my goal, hopefully I’ll pass it. I’m starting to think I will have to be a morning runner this summer. The heat really makes me feel sick right now. I’m hoping that will pass once I’m at a lower weight and every step I take isn’t quite as difficult. I keep wondering when I will start to feel like a normal runner- one who is not sore all the time and who can walk up and down her stairs without doing some weird hurky-jerky sideways step to save her aching muscles and joints. I’m assuming that will happen when I hit around 200 and I’m not having to work quite as hard.

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I also made a goal to do my abs workout five times this week. So far I’m at two and holding strong. My ab workout is starting to feel easier which makes me fear the change-up and how it is going to change as I amp it up. I was looking at pictures of myself realizing that my legs are looking pretty skinny, and my torso is not shrinking as fast. I recognize that this may just be the way I’m losing weight, but I also think it has to do with my exercise of choice. I use my legs to get the burn, and I need to burn the belly more. So that’s why the big ab push- get that shape going so I don’t look like a jelly bean on stilts!

*Yesterday a friend of mine pointed out and we laughed about the following statement: I went out and ran a quick mile. A “quick mile” has such a casual sound to it. Just a mile, a quick mile- any phrase implying any amount of ease with running is pretty funny considering what kind of runner I was at the beginning of this year! I laugh at some of the things I hear myself saying now.

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