Late Night

I want to report that I’m actually doing pretty well on my goals. It has been hard, after being out of the habit of working out upon arriving home, but I’m doing it again! Last night it was 70 degrees and we spent it outdoors on a lovely family walk. Being in Seattle, though, means that rain is always right around the corner. Today it rained. Hard! So instead of a run, I did 20 on the elliptical and 20 of weights. I feel appropriately sore, so I’m satisfied!
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Soooo….
I’m up at 11:00 right now.
It’s windy.
Loud.
So I’m up…
I hate nights like this though. All I do is lay in my bed and overthink stuff. Tonight I’m feeling guilty because of snap decisions I have to make at work. Sometimes the exact right thing doesn’t come out of my mouth and then I worry that I’ve said one of those things that you remember your teacher saying for the rest of your life. You know what I mean. Today I told a student that sometimes we have to pick our battles, and then realized that the student was asking me to stand alongside them in this battle. I was having a hard time picking up my sword (bad metaphor) so I tried to blow it off, then apologized and helped the student out. But along the way I was not as helpful as I could have been. I hope that student remembers the second part where I made good and not overly much the first part where I was tired of battling altogether.
My neurosis have refocused from the insecurity of my weight to the insecurity of my teaching and social situations. Like, I used to worry about myself and the space I occupied as a bigger girl, but the good thing about that was that I knew what I was thinking. Now that I don’t worry about my weight as much, I’ve started worrying about my teaching and relationships instead. The problem with that is I can’t know what other people are thing, and it absolutely drives me nuts, so I imagine and think through multiple possibilities. It’s exhausting.
It’s hard to constantly remind myself to live in the present and move on to productive thoughts of the present than it is to constantly review the past. I think of it as reflection, but really I’m just dissecting things in order to torture myself with small comments and conversation components that really have little to do with moving forward, and more to do with self evisceration.
I’m working on stopping this.
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Ok… At last, I think that all is quiet in/on/around Lj house. Off to bed I go. G’night!

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