April 1st

It’s April first but this is no joke and I’m no fool- but I will be if I don’t get serious about my body project again this spring! I have a tendency to hit the New Year like a jackhammer. I kill it in January, moderate in February and relax in March. From there, I kind of make empty promises in nutrition and slack off a little in exercise while also promising to step it up in activity to make up for the extra bits of chocolate at night or a late dinner from time to time. But I usually just chill at the same weight for a long time, until the next January rolls around, and I do it again: lose some weight then continue along the cycle again.
This morning on the way to work I realized my goal concert is barely over a month away and, at this point, I’m not impressed to the point where I feel proud of myself. As far as a dangling carrot goes, I was terrifically motivated at first, but slowly the excitement wore off until I’m just humming along, making smart choices and working out, but ignoring the motivating goal of the concert nearing and doing the extra things that actually make me lose pounds.
I know how to make shifts that make me lose a pound or two in a week and, as of today, I’m newly committed to working really hard, again. I decided that I have one month and, with what I know about my body, I should be able to lose at least four pounds before then. I mean seriously, 20 pounds in January. I can do this!
Determined.

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That moment when you commit to being strong, when you decide that you are determined to do anything is like a marriage; it’s a serious commitment. I take my promises to myself very seriously. I didn’t honor myself and my commitments to myself for years and, I hate to say it, but I was watching Dr. Phil back way back within his first year or two, and he asked a woman why she kept promises to everyone in her life except herself. She would never fail to follow through for others, but in promises to herself to lose weight and become healthier, she consistently fell off the wagon, didn’t meet goals and was disappointed but accepting of it. Why would she disappoint herself like that over and over? Wasn’t she worthy of her promise? There are lightbulb moments in life and that was definitely one for me. It took me years to have the strength to believe in my promises to myself, but that shadow hovered over me until I made the promise to get healthy, and now that I believe in my promises my honesty to myself is paramount.
Today I got home and wasn’t able to work out when I was thinking I could. I freaked out. I had an anxiety attack as I stood there husking Brussels sprouts, cutting broccoli, heating veggie bacon and helping in the kitchen. I didn’t think I was going to be able to make it into my gym and really had a hard time of it. It was pretty ridiculous, truth be told. I couldn’t quite figure out what my damage was until I connected that sense of commitment I have to guilt and the disappointment in myself that I wasn’t doing that thing I promised myself I’d do that very morning- find the time to work out and kick off April like a beast.
But there’s always time, right? Sometimes it just needs to be after dinner instead of before it, because after dinner is always better than after never, right? I made the adjustment and I everything is roses again. I need to remember to be a little more flexible.
🙂
Here’s to keeping at it and staying at it!

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