There are times when I’m starting up a new health plan and I’m ALL IN. Like, I’m an energizer bunny, going nonstop, complete with a smile and encouraging cheer! But this time? Nope. I was excited to get back to a place where I feel proud of the way I feel and look, but it was more like I was resigned about having to do the work. Last Sunday it just looked hard. Breaking habits is hard. Telling myself no is hard. Letting my tummy growl is hard. Running or going to a gym workout after school is hard and I wanted nothing to do with any of it except the end result.
To add insult to injury, everyone at my work unloaded their holiday pantry onto our staff room share table and it was all of my favorites: Twix, Reese’s, Lindt chocolate, angel food cake and the worst/aka my favorite thing aside from donuts: Danish Kringle. I wanted to cry. Instead I walked to my dear friend Julie’s room to find that she is in the exact same boat. She gained weight and wanted all of the snacks on the table. We linked elbows and didn’t cave, instead secreting away in her room to avoid temptation and stand strong together. It’s funny how triumphant I feel after something like that happens. I had the will and determination to stand up to myself in the face of absolute favorite, flaky, delectable, almond-paste-deliciousness and said no. You’d think I finished a big race, the sense of accomplishment that gave me, but after that day I had an attitude shift.
My fears and worries fell away as the week continued and things just kept working out. I never made another trip back downstairs in the middle of the night. I started keeping a banana or orange upstairs and that seems to be helping me, but mostly I think it was finding out what was really happening: night binging while I was asleep. I had lingering concerns about the impact of my medication, still unsure if it helps me to gain or lose, but after the bloat, water and hopefully a little fat slid off me to the tune of five pounds during the week, that fear largely left me.
Remember in Winnie the Pooh when Rabbit tries to lose Tigger in the Hundred Acre Wood in an attempt to help him lose his bounce? It’s like the opposite happened to me. And if I’m truthful, I think my fat girl was kind of setting up camp again. Suddenly it seemed really hard to work at my health and so easy to simply relax, forget about my health goals and let go again. Have another cookie. Watch tv sitting instead of while getting my steps. Lie to myself… I did get lost again and along the way I gained 30 pounds. When I weighed myself on 1/1/18 I weighed 239 exactly. I was shocked. Today I weigh 234 and my fat girl is shuffling down the hallway, headed to her magician stand where she’ll concoct a plan for the next time I’m weak. She’s always there. But at this point? Tigger’s got her bounce back. 👍
Thank goodness that sleeping eating stopped. I was worried you could get startled and choke. After reading this post, you seem to be getting a handle on your health again. You’re right when you say it is always there ( the inner fat girl ) & this journey continues. My husband said I will always be watching my weight. Once I don’t, the fat comes screaming back at an alarming speed.
Thank you so much for your honesty! I am almost in the exact same spot, actually stuck here for quite some time, and I couldn’t even bring myself to read some of my favorite weight loss blogs. I’m excited to read (and lose!) along again!