Month: April 2015

My brothers and sisters, we are all in this together. As you’ve read over the past several days, I’ve been having ridiculous cravings for everything and anything and so have you! I think my blog is pretty quiet concerning very much interaction between my readers and me. I get the odd comment here and there, responses now and then via Facebook, friends text me from time to time, but this time? Regarding binging? I’ve heard from so many of you.
So many of us are kind of glaring at the Easter Bunny about now, fairly ticked off that we were doing so well and then he literally came by and dropped off a couple of baskets full of candy, all innocent, like we are just going to be able to deal.
Or maybe it’s just spring and we are all active now and therefore hungrier than ever.
Or maybe it’s because we’ve been pushing so hard for so long that we just want a freaking break from all this calorie monitoring and exercising…
Or maybe we are burned out…
Maybe it’s spring break and we want a vacation from it all…
Maybe a lot of things.
But what is certain is that we are struggling, collectively, to get this under control. Thank you all for reaching out to me. You have no idea how helpful it is to hear back from you and know that you are waging similar battles.

Today it’s like a switch flipped and I’m doing just fine. This has been the first day during this break where I woke up without feeling bleary, groggy and I don’t feel like I was drinking heavily or in surgery all night. Honestly? Until quite recently my job has been harder than ever, in my life, and I think I’m in a little bit of recovery from it. During break, though, I think I’ve been looking to food to kind of kick start me every day, but I know it’s a big fat no-no that gets me in a bad place, so instead I’ve been leaning hard of coffee to no avail. But today? I woke up, opened the blinds, breathed the fresh air and planned what kind of workout I was going for. I ate normal food and didn’t pine for things like I have all week long. When that binge-y-crave-y thing lets up on it’s hold over my brain, my inner fat girl sits down and goes to sleep and active girl goes to town. Love it.
With my newfound clarity I was able to see what I had done in my binge-y crave-y state. I amassed a small hoard of crappy, sugary foods for ‘just in case’ or ‘when I need it’. I bought four Cadbury Caramel Eggs, a big bag of Cadbury mini eggs plus the makings for a delicious Peanut Buster Parfait for ‘when I earn it’. Are you kidding me? I ‘used to’ have a food hoarding problem. Something tells me that I still can and do from time to time. Fortunately, I stayed true to my promises for future earnings of bad food choices and didn’t binge on it’s eat more than some of the mini eggs. I mostly just collected it. Now I need to figure out what to do with it. Oh, the problems we food addicts make for ourselves…

Today I had a goal to beat my time on this hiking trail at St. Edward that we use a lot. I’m consistently 2nd or 3rd to last in all the segments according to the app I use (if you get the Strava Run app you can follow me, too!). Whenever anyone does better than me and takes my position I get a message that so and so moved up in the ranking and is now in 17th and I’m in 18th, or whatever. Today I wanted speed. I wanted to see how fast I could go on this trail if I really was allowed to run as fast as I want, us encumbered by children. But we took the dog who, halfway through, she started throwing up and slowing down. She is 13 years old so, of course, we listen to her and slow down. But even still? I moved up to 3rd-10th from my previous 17th-19th rankings! I want to return again tomorrow, this time leaving the dog at home, to see what I can really do. Don’t worry, we will take Martha around the neighborhood on a geriatric dog’s speed walk.
Bradley made me laugh pretty hard when he accidentally brought along the gigantic, sleeping-bag-sized Target shopping bag to clean up Martha’s poo. For big jobs! I laughed even harder when he ran low enough on bags that he had to use it! (She’s turned into a serial jobber in her old age, requiring 4-7 pick-ups per walk! So yucky! It’s why I leave her home when I run now.)

This week is crazy. Crazy, CRAZY, CRAZY with all of the impulsive eating I’m wanting to do and all of the impulsive eating that I’m saying no to, it’s insane! Oh my goodness. Everything I see or hear or smell prompts some kind of internal meter that immediately shoves this newest desire to the front of the line, usurping all of my previous cravings, making this interloper the newly crowned King of the Cravings whose needs must be met. Right now. One would think I was pregnant, considering all that I want to eat RIGHT NOW. (Nope, not pregnant – and never will be again. That was all negotiated into my c-section when we had baby number two. Phew!)
Today we drove past the Dairy Queen. As an adult, Dairy Queen is not a place I frequent very often at all, but when I was a kid it was the celebration place that we would go to whenever we had performed in a play or had made some awesome presentation to grown-ups outside of the school day. My go-to treat was always the Peanut Buster Parfait- hot fudge, Spanish peanuts and vanilla ice cream all topped with whipped cream! Today my inner fat girl wanted that more than anything…. On the way back from Costco, where we had seen the Dairy Queen before getting on the freeway, it was all I could talk about. Bradley mentioned that it’s ok for me to cut loose every once in a while and let myself have a peanut buster parfait, but I started going on and on about my inner fat girl and the deals I make with her.
I was reminded of Monica, from the show Friends, in season four where she finally has an opportunity to go on a date with the most popular boy from high school: Chip Matthews! Unfortunately, he is also Rachel, Monica’s best friend’s, ex-boyfriend, who treated Rachel horribly at a dance. In defending her desire to go on this date with Chip despite how awful he he had treated Rachel, Monica says:

I totally do this! I talk my fat girl down from the ledge all the time! And I rarely let her eat! Right now I keep telling her that soon enough ‘we’ will be able to enjoy a treat of the Peanut Buster Parfait, but first ‘we’ need to get further down below 200 because I don’t want that treat to turn into poundsover 200 that I will need to re-lose. I want a cushion of 3-5 pounds below 200 before ‘we’ start celebrating with delicious ice cream treats.
We.
Did you notice that ‘we’ in there?
As I was explaining all of this to Bradley I realized the terminology of ‘we’ to describe these two, very different sides to myself. My fat girl had control for close to forty years, my active girl was the one who was hidden and buried before. We bought her hiking boots, subscribed to backpacking magazines for her, we read hiking memoirs and looked longingly at couples running around the neighborhoods together and even ventured, breathlessly, up a mountain or two, but I rarely let her speak or act out because she likes to do hard things. Things that were linked to failure and humiliation back then, and there’s nothing my fat girl hates more than failure and humiliation, so she suppressed my active girl. She won for years, decades… A lifetime.
So, now, I do tell her to shut up, sit down and chill out. She had her turn and look where it got me. Her cravings can’t be louder than my health and she will get shut down, because my active girl is in control now. I like it much better that way, but it’s been insanely hard the past few days. My inner fat girl just loves it when PMS happens. She shouts at me, all day long, for every stinking moment, all the things I could be eating and the exercise I don’t need to do. Even if I’m full, she still harasses me to eat a jelly bean or a cracker or… Anything! Like, seriously, almost anything in my mouth will please her.
But not letting her have it makes my active girl powerful and happy; just the way I like it.
(It should be noted that I have all the ingredients in my house to make the peanut buster parfait right now. I have the policy of not denying myself because I obsess, so I negotiated the ingredients so I can make mini parfaits… Good compromise, I think, and I can parfait it up for weeks! Oh goodie! LOL! Because I need that temptation around…)

Today we headed to the beach for day three of Spring Break. Yesterday we headed down to the Tacoma Art Museum for the Georgia O’Keefe show. It’s been a really fun Spring Break! Exercise has been a bit off, but I’m hitting the veggies really hard. Tonight we had pizza, Brussels sprouts, green salad and tomato salad for dinner and by the time I was halfway finished with my veggies I was too full to eat my pizza! 🙂

I saw this today and it fits me to a T! SO TRUE!
***
The word fat is offensive and hard to swallow for some people, I realize, but I totally did that thing of owning a word that has negative connotations in the pejorative sense and shifted it to describe me in a simply descriptive way. (Like how our ethnic and LGTBQ brothers and sisters have owned the terrible names they have been taunted with.) There’s nothing wrong with fat- being fat, having fat, loving fat… I rejected myself because of my fat, rejected my husband’s love and adoration because I couldn’t trust that he loved my fat, I rejected life because of my fatness, so to use that word so casually, so normally, just as a simple adjective is quite meaningful and significant for me, so please accept my intent and lack of offense at it’s use. 🙂

Happy Easter!
What did you do today to celebrate? We are pretty low-key over here at Lj House about Easter. We dye eggs, the Easter Bunny visits and hides the eggs, we find the eggs and then we usually chill out around the house in a combination sugar coma and exhaustion from children waking their mommy up at 6:30 on a Sunday. Of course I’m kidding about being grouchy. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It was a pleasure to hunt for eggs while I sipped my coffee this morning.

After breakfast, Jude and I finished putting in our garden. I bought the plants and then wimped out, thinking it was still too cold, but then last week we had all kinds of 60-70 something degree weather that my plants would just have loved. I decided to risk it, today, and we did it all. We have lettuce, tomatoes, zucchini, cucumber, beans, corn, basil, chard… I’m sure there’s more, but I can’t wait to enjoy our garden this summer, and it sure was a pleasant way to spend the morning with my sweet boy.

After we finished up, we were all still feeling super lethargic. I managed to pretty much steer clear of all the Easter candy, but those few jelly beans that I did eat (8, to be specific) made me have a sugar rush and sugar crash like I can’t believe! It was not fun. We decided to get going, to get moving with a run/walk at St. Edward Park. After we finished climbing the ridge, I challenged Jude to run for a distance. He decided to show me his stuff because he ran all the way to the water’e edge! I was so impressed! Of course, Gigi couldn’t go fast enough or far enough. We kept coming around the bend to find her running back to us or waiting for us to catch up, then she’d zoom ahead, up the hill… And then she came home to make a chia/kefir/coconut milk/almond milk ‘pudding’ with stevia and cocoa powder. She’s just incredible with this new drive she has. The hike did the trick and made us all feel awake and ravenous, so we came home and made Easter egg salad on lettuce, crackers or bread for dinner.
An excellent day.
Oh, and dessert? Sweet mother of Abraham Lincoln, I ate a Cadbury Cream Egg. In the hot tub. Glorious.

Yesterday Gigi and I went on a girls shopping trip and I bought leggings. I have never worn leggings in a pants capacity, like not under a skirt, but Brittany, as in, Brittany herself, wears leggings, a tshirt and mouse ears in Disneyland and it just looked so comfortable and like it makes sense on vacation. Light, simple, ample coverage, so I tried it out today to see if I liked wearing leggings on their own. Well, I understand the draw to leggings. OH MY GOODNESS! Talk about comfortable. I can see why toddlers, teens, moms and old ladies love them. I’m not sure you will ever see me in real pants ever again.
***
Last night I talked with Bradley about my new rule of no food after 8:00, and he said that he would support that and join in, avoiding the night snacking. It’s so nice to have that support, and as a result, last night went really well. I’m pleased and looking forward to similar success tonight!

I wanna eat and eat and eat and eat and eat until I die. Turkey! Pasta! Sweet potato pie! Pancakes, piled up, till they reach the sky! A lot a lot a lot a lot… At least I’ve been feeling a lot like Goofy singing that song as I look at everything lately! Geez Louise- I do want to eat everything I see right now!

Whenever I make a big recommitment to myself, like I did on April Fools Day, I also have to deal with some fallout regarding the bad habits I’ve allowed to build up. I always think I’m doing one thing pretty solid and then I uncover a behavior that makes me realize why I’ve stopped losing weight and started maintaining (or gaining, in darker moments). This time I’ve discovered a lovely little night-binging habit that I’m having to break. As you know, I deny myself nothing; it’s one of the rules about my diet. If I want chocolate then I get to eat chocolate. I only cut things from my diet* that I’m willing to say goodbye to forever, so I still eat everything I love, I just make sure to leave room in my caloric allowances.

{this girl begged me to go running today (smug, happy mama, here)}
I discovered the binge issue on night one as I headed upstairs to the bedroom. The kitchen was all like, “Yoo-hoo! Tamara! Hey! There’s chocolate over here! Come look!” The kitchen lied. There is no chocolate, aside from a possible Cadbury egg I may be saving for Easter morning, but I’ll be darned if every time my kitchen calls if I don’t get up, walk to the pantry, stare inside, then make the rounds and do the same to the fridge, to the garage and then I tell myself to sit down until the kitchen calls me again and I start it over. I was done being tempted, but I thought I should make my tea before I went upstairs so while I waited I also made the rounds one last time, and it was like my lizard brain turned on and every door I opened netted something in my mouth- a corner of brownie, a few almonds, a couple bites of leftover soup from dinner, then I couldn’t decide between plain or BBQ flavored Pop Chips, so I just grabbed both and headed upstairs. By the time I got there I realized I was on the edge of being full again, so closely after dinner, and I realized what had happened! I added up the calories and realized I was still ok, within reasonable range of my calorie goals, so no harm was done, but the behavior was one that obviously I was pretty comfortable with since I didn’t even really think about what I was doing. I had been on autopilot as I went from place to place, seeking food when I wasn’t even hungry.

{my runner bean}
I made a goal the next night to plan my evening treat ahead so I could relax and not obsess over my dessert, making rounds through the kitchen over and over and giving myself too many opportunities for temptation. It was just a little after 7:00 when I had to go upstairs to avoid the siren’s song of my kitchen. I took a bag of Pop Chips with me and I was mostly successful. Even though I was imprisoned in my room to keep from filling my mouth I still managed to find a few almonds and a bag of animal crackers to nosh on.
I’m feeling pretty solid about beating the desire to binge, though, so I’m forgiving. I’m winning already. I feel like I discovered it and am taking steps to break the night snacking habit and I know that just recognizing the problem and calling it out is about half of the work. I do, however, need to remember not to feel guilty of thought crime as I’m breaking this binge habit. Since I used to rarely ever say no to myself, I often think that if I’ve wanted to eat something that I have eaten it and can get really down on myself when I have to deny myself a lot. Not because I’m sad about not eating the food, but because it’s exhausting to constantly deny myself my addiction, so I just think the worst of my control and have a hard time separating the truth from my alternate reality. My brain just gets confused.

This is my focus, now. My exercise is solid, my nutrition is good through the day, I just need to curb my night eating issues, again, and I’ll start losing pounds. I have faith in myself, though. Each night I’m getting stronger at saying no and the habit will disappear within the next few nights. I definitely think I need to make my blanket rule of trying not to eat after 8:00 a focus for the present! 🙂
***
Guinevere asked me to go running after shopping for her new, spring wardrobe today. I could hardly say no! I was not able to run for the entirety- I got a side ache and ran with it for a mile and a half before it got the best of me. My girl, however, is so inspired by Becky’s fitness log (from Strongisthenewskinny94), that she is starting up some pretty serious running habits. This week she ran about nine miles and neither Bradley nor I can keep up with her anymore, she is so fast! She told me that she likes to run about every other day now and she wants to explore alternative healthy cooking like me! She’s actively making a list of recipes and ingredients for us to explore this summer! Proud doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings about being her mom. <3 * The word 'diet' does not mean 'restricted food plan' to me, I use it as a common noun to simply describe the food I eat. 🙂

I like my body.
For the first time ever in my life I really like my body.
This was realized yesterday morning when I was perusing some of my old before/during/after pictures and was surprised at how I used to look. Sometimes I forget that I ever looked like that. When I was a size 24/26/28/30, I knew I was a bigger woman, but I had the ability I see myself differently than I see my former self when I look back now. I don’t see myself in her anymore; she’s a totally different person. Somehow, I had no idea that I was that large, somehow my ability to hide things from myself even came with some lovely mirror blinders that allowed me to see myself as an 18/20 rather than the truth. It’s funny how I could fool myself into thinking that weighing 340 was really being just ‘kind-of’ chubby and a ‘little bit’ fat. It’s really surprising. I thought I was so much more honest with myself than I was actually being.

When I went downstairs, after looking at my pictures, I started talking a little bit to my daughter about this and that, and somehow it came up that she knows I don’t like my body. I was so surprised that she so clearly ‘knew’ I didn’t like my body because I know I LOVE my body!

My body is strong and healthy! I can run, dance, do planks, do burpees, wall-sits, sit-ups, push ups (but not pull-ups yet)! I love the shape of my body now. I realized that I’m quite happy sitting in the 199-203 range. I’m capable and cute, I can shop in any store, yet I am not slender to the point that I look weird for my age. I feel like I’m doing my forties way better than I did my thirties. And frankly? I think I’m pretty for the first time ever. So not only do I feel strong and capable, I feel cute too. I love my body and myself for the first time ever… Really, I’m allowing myself to fall in love with the outside of myself for the first time ever, and it’s not a moment too soon. Life is too short to be hating on someone so important.

I’m on a streak! Of two days! LOL!
It’s a streak a bit longer than two days, really, but as of the commitment to myself, it’s been two days and I’m going strong. Last night I made plans with Bradley to run together after school and on my way home he texted me to let me know our daughter was coming, too! And Jude was running as far as his friend’s house, where he was playing while we ran! Perfect!

Today was gorgeous. The sun was out, the sky was rich blue and white, rhododendrons were in bloom, squirrels were chattering and the birds were singing. At one point, I raised my nose into the air, breathed deep and the world smelled of spring- flowers, dirt, LIFE! I love the world, today, and life and my family… Life is good!
Going running or exercising in any capacity and, really, just being out in the sunshine does amazing things for me.
🙂
***
I wanted to mention the power of community: My friend, Julie, from work and I often check in with one another regarding workout plans for the night. Yesterday she asked me if I was planning to work out, I said yes and she did too. Today, we both commented that were it not for that commitment in passing to one another, both of us may have skipped the workout. I was grouchy, she was tired and neither of us wanted to do it, but knowing we made the promise made us both get our rears in gear and we were both so happy that we did!

It’s April first but this is no joke and I’m no fool- but I will be if I don’t get serious about my body project again this spring! I have a tendency to hit the New Year like a jackhammer. I kill it in January, moderate in February and relax in March. From there, I kind of make empty promises in nutrition and slack off a little in exercise while also promising to step it up in activity to make up for the extra bits of chocolate at night or a late dinner from time to time. But I usually just chill at the same weight for a long time, until the next January rolls around, and I do it again: lose some weight then continue along the cycle again.
This morning on the way to work I realized my goal concert is barely over a month away and, at this point, I’m not impressed to the point where I feel proud of myself. As far as a dangling carrot goes, I was terrifically motivated at first, but slowly the excitement wore off until I’m just humming along, making smart choices and working out, but ignoring the motivating goal of the concert nearing and doing the extra things that actually make me lose pounds.
I know how to make shifts that make me lose a pound or two in a week and, as of today, I’m newly committed to working really hard, again. I decided that I have one month and, with what I know about my body, I should be able to lose at least four pounds before then. I mean seriously, 20 pounds in January. I can do this!
Determined.

That moment when you commit to being strong, when you decide that you are determined to do anything is like a marriage; it’s a serious commitment. I take my promises to myself very seriously. I didn’t honor myself and my commitments to myself for years and, I hate to say it, but I was watching Dr. Phil back way back within his first year or two, and he asked a woman why she kept promises to everyone in her life except herself. She would never fail to follow through for others, but in promises to herself to lose weight and become healthier, she consistently fell off the wagon, didn’t meet goals and was disappointed but accepting of it. Why would she disappoint herself like that over and over? Wasn’t she worthy of her promise? There are lightbulb moments in life and that was definitely one for me. It took me years to have the strength to believe in my promises to myself, but that shadow hovered over me until I made the promise to get healthy, and now that I believe in my promises my honesty to myself is paramount.
Today I got home and wasn’t able to work out when I was thinking I could. I freaked out. I had an anxiety attack as I stood there husking Brussels sprouts, cutting broccoli, heating veggie bacon and helping in the kitchen. I didn’t think I was going to be able to make it into my gym and really had a hard time of it. It was pretty ridiculous, truth be told. I couldn’t quite figure out what my damage was until I connected that sense of commitment I have to guilt and the disappointment in myself that I wasn’t doing that thing I promised myself I’d do that very morning- find the time to work out and kick off April like a beast.
But there’s always time, right? Sometimes it just needs to be after dinner instead of before it, because after dinner is always better than after never, right? I made the adjustment and I everything is roses again. I need to remember to be a little more flexible.
🙂
Here’s to keeping at it and staying at it!