Goals

Consistency

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Bradley and I went for the BEST run this morning. We went on the giant loop, but instead of turning where I turned last time, we turned on a different street and tried exploring our neighborhood a little to find a different route. It was fun for a few reasons:
1. The spirit of adventure was present this morning. I’m a creature of habit and like to run the same runs over and over and over. So today, we ran farther from the house. So far, we could have run into the QFC, bought a coffee and we could have headed back home. Back in the day, that is exactly how we would spend our time. We were poor college students or house poor or baby poor for many many years. Our entertainment has been walking the woods, trails and neighborhoods offered for free for years. We find a new road and head down together with a grin, curious about what will be over the next rise. It felt like THAT.
2. The run felt GOOD. My oxygen exchange was even and I wasn’t out of breath for most of it, my muscles felt solid, I wasn’t tired feeling. I kept saying how much I was enjoying the run for almost the entire way. I really was!
3. I have gotten over my concerns about holding Bradley back with my slower pace. It occurred to me that he wants to be with me ALL OF THE TIME anyhow, why would my slower pace discourage him from coming along with me? So today? I stared at his butt as he ran ahead of me and chased it. It was a great motivator. Meow.
4. My husband took the above picture when I got grumpy because my Strava got turned off after running for 4 seconds. It makes me mad when Strava messes up (Strava is the app I use to track my runs- I welcome you to join Strava and follow me!) because I lose my pacing and don’t know how far I’ve run exactly. When I get grumpy while running my pace quickens, so I passed my darling man and he started commenting on how, really, this is the view he should be chasing all the time and stuff like that. There’s even video. It was funny, made me laugh, and of course, I like the attention and confirmation that my butt is getting better! LOL!
5. We used Siri on Bradley’s iPhone to get us home. We would be running along and she’d say, “Turn right at the next street,” because we really didn’t know where we were at. It was kind of fun to not think and just let Siri work the brains while I worked the brawn.
It was a really fun run!
***
Consistency…
A few days ago I posted a picture of my arm. I was surprised to see it looking so slender and I really want to puff it up a little with some muscle now. I’m not talking getting all sinewy and tawny like Madonna or anything (who looks amazing but I’m not that motivated), but some tone could be nice. I also have dreams of rocking thick thighs and a bootylicious behind that has curves (When slender, I have a flat 80’s butt. Perhaps it was the 80’s jeans… Regardless, I’m going to try exercise to make it not a flat rear this time).
None of this is going to happen unless I get better about – more consistent with – working my weights! There will be nothing even close to a round butt unless I start lunging, my six pack will stay a two liter unless I keep crunching and my guns will continue to pew pew BB’s without weight work! At this point I’m lucky if I hit any of those more than once a week. I’ve been taking it pretty easy on myself during the last few weeks. I made goals, didn’t meet them and easily forgave myself. I was way too easy on myself. And I continue to be too easy on myself. I have all kinds of excuses about being busy, being tired, missing my kids, it’s hot, my bra is in the wash… Some excuses are solid and true, but some are just convenient. I’m sure you can see the difference. I do great with running consistently, now I just need to put the same energy into my muscle building and toning.
Just so you know, I am not even trying to become a she-hulk. The six pack is mostly a metaphor, so you get the idea of the area I’m hoping to work on. My goal is just to be fit and have a body that, if I choose to do plastic surgery eventually, is worth spending money on. If I choose to forgo surgery, I want to feel confident with myself. Like, I just don’t want to be an emaciated, atrophied former chubby girl who brought all of her health problems to her sleek new body. I want a healthy body, in looks and function. Flab is ok. Stretch marks are ok. Sag is ok. Weak muscles and inconsistency are not.
So this week my goal is to be consistent, hold myself to my muscle workout goals and get those arms building, tummy strengthening and booty rising!
***
Oh- check this out:

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I cropped my feet out. I seriously need to get a pedicure! That aside- that number! 232.6! Woohoo! 2.6 away from the 20’s. Aah-may-zing!!
***
Goal this week: 12 miles
Miles ran: 12.5
Muscles? Meh. I did stomach once. Lol!
NEW GOALS:
Miles: 10
Muscles: work each zone three times

Tomorrow

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Tomorrow I will run. I have missed running so very much. I miss the high, yes. The body strengthening, yes. The feeling of empowerment, the feeling of being strong, of realizing the fitness in my body.
But more than anything? I miss being able to eat something while thinking, “I can really enjoy this because I worked my butt off running earlier.” Guilt free eating. Is that what this all comes down to? Ha ha! Truth be told, yeah, kinda. If I were Garfield I’d be doing it for the lasagna.
I’m so ready to get this ball rolling again. How ready? I enthusiastically asked if tomorrow, bright and early, we could go run at the track. And I’m really excited about doing just that.
(I usually really especially hate running at the track.)
***
Aside from looking like it’s slightly necrotic, my ear is better. I’ve been keeping it covered so people don’t think I’ve been bitten by a zombie and I’m starting the zombification process at the point of my ear. It’s not hurting, it’s not infected and it feels normal- aside from the nasty appearance. I’m so happy. About the healing – not the walking dead crust. 🙂

Goals n Stuff

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I was at work today talking to a friend who, yesterday, I told to make some goals. She did. Smart goals. Goals that were meaningful and made sense for her. Then she asked me what my goals were. Drink water and eat more whole grains. That’s I what I came up with. Nothing shameful about those goals, but they seem so mealy and convenient, a somewhat duh Ralph level of meaningless.
My friend made a mileage goal. Mileage! Why didn’t I think of that?!
New goal: 12 miles this week!
So far I’ve run 5.9 miles this week- almost there! I just want to be sure not to limit myself to ONLY 12 miles this week. If I feel like running more, I will.
My other goal will be to let Bradley pull me a little more. He paces faster than I do. The first time we ran we did an 8.50 mile. That freaked me out, I figured out I was running way faster than usual and pumped the breaks. While I don’t think I’m ready to go that fast (my body would compress into dust at this weight) I do think know that I can go faster than 11.5 or 12 minute miles. I suppose shooting for as close to an 11 minute mile is a good place to start.
***
I weighed in at 242.6 today. Bomb diggety!

Eat Your Vegetables!

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So… This was the good shot from the set. No, you may NOT see the others. I just snapped them real quick as we were trotting along, that magnificent, beautiful husband and I, and I didn’t bother to see if one was better than the rest. Oh well. But my husband? Meow.
We did 3.6 in 41 minutes, though the last .4 was walked. I paced slower this time, pulling our speed down to 11:00ish for all three miles. For some reason I had a really hard time catching a complete breath. I was doing fine, but it made me anxious enough that I stayed really careful and didn’t push at all.
***
Today my scale read 244.2! Finally going down. It is weightloss warrior week, after all.
***
I realized this weekend that I haven’t made any firm new goals of late. My diet is a non-issue. I suppose I could work more vegetables into it, but who can’t. I keep on my calories and when I ‘cheat’ it is within my allowances. My exercise is pretty spotless – I’m exercising hard every other day with a mid-level aerobic and weights on the off days. I’ve been making sure to rest when my body hits a stress point and I seem to be doing well.
I think my immediate goal this week is to work more whole grains into my diet. While I do a pretty good job, I should be making sure I’m loading up on more oatmeal instead of cereal, brown rice instead of white, that kind of thing. I also need to get back on the drinking water. Caffeine is so appealing that I fell off the wagon and into iced tea-land. But I don’t drink straight up iced tea- I like the crystal lite kind which has sodium in it, not to mention a plethora of other crap that is not good for me. So there you have them- water and super strict food. If all goes well this week, I might be in the 230’s by next week. We’ll see. I wouldn’t mind sitting at 238 for the next little bit…
Cheers!

Pink Shazam: Registered

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Today it was sprinkling beautifully so I had to run. That, and I signed up for my rad race today and thought I had better be getting more mileage under my toes if I’m going to be in condition to run 3.1 miles by August 10th. Yep! I signed up! Gigi and I are running under the team name “Pink Shazam!”
To celebrate, I ran one mile in 11:40 with my girl and the whole family came out for the second mile. Again, my son ‘Flash’ (instead of Dash, now) challenged me to the next post, the next corner, tree, house- whatever, so that mile was walk/ran in intervals, ending up at about 13 minutes. I had a fabulous time.

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***
On a side note…
I get confused with how much I actually eat versus how much I want to eat. Like, tonight I was entering my food into my journal and thought, “Man. I really did it today. I regret my choices, ooh wee!” And then I actually enter in my calories and am in shock when I hit below my targets. I must think about snacks a lot if I imagined I ate them. It amazes me how often I need to tell myself no!

Keeping On

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Boston.
I don’t understand why anyone ever tries to solve anything with violence. Why that’s ever an answer to anyone- to hurt other people. It’s so ridiculously counterproductive.
I’m just going to say how pleased I am that the media is focusing on ‘the helpers’ this time instead of glorifying the villains. I’m so pleased the heroes praises are being sung. It also makes me glad I’m a runner now- an indomitable runner who won’t be deterred by these asshats and their fear campaign. I didn’t run today or yesterday because of crazy schedules, but I can’t wait to get out tomorrow again.

***
I was commenting to Bradley today about my diet. I’m feeling out of control lately with it. Like I’m eating too much, not exercising enough… When I enter my data into my app everything aligns and falls into place- my calories are spot on and my exercise is solid- but I get caught up on the not losing poundage and it messes with my head.
I also have to say a weird thing. I don’t always trust myself to make good choices. When I was a kid I had a hard time with truth telling- I was impulsive but hated paying the price for my actions so I would hide things, lie, evade my parent’s questions… Not to be too Wonder Years or anything, but it was then I learned that my actual character was in question, not just my actions, and I made myself a promise that I would never lie again. At first that meant brutal honesty (A friend asks: do you like my hair? I honestly would answer, even if I did not like their hair!). There was an adjustment phase where I got mad often because I wasn’t trusted yet, though eventually I think I’ve earned a reputation for being very honest. Over the years, I’ve learned diplomacy and I continue to I adhere to the concept of honesty is the best policy.. But the nagging suspicion remains that I’m a liar. That deep down I’m all ready to spring forth with exercise lies, poor food choices and diet cheats- which is strange, because that is so not me! Being truthful is a concept that I think about a lot.
The point of that loooong story is that I just don’t trust my choices all the time. But I need to. I need to start realizing that I’m a good kid. A good mom. A loving wife. A super smart and nice teacher ;). A well intended person. A good human being. An honest person. And if I’m honest with other people to a fault, why do I think I’m going to lie to myself with stupid cheats? I’m not. I’m so intentional, so careful, so paranoid about all of this that I second guess myself constantly and I can’t feel like that for the rest of my life while I maintain the weightloss. Feeling out of control, like I’m a liar and a cheater, just makes me feel bad. If there’s some new learning I’ve had lately, it’s that I have been eating my feelings all these years. Food soothed my nerves and lifted any bad feelings I had for years, and I’m not letting it do that anymore. So I can’t feel bad about eating calories that I haven’t eaten otherwise I’m going to find myself in the kitchen at 8:00 at night with a handful of chocolate chips and a spoonful of peanut butter!
***
I have PMS again. I hate writing publicly about that stuff, but it is relevant to this project I’m working on- losing weight. For half of the month I’m such a crab AND I can’t lose any pounds! As I was making my action plan for the next few weeks, I found myself telling Bradley that as soon as I get beyond this cycle that I’m gong to hit it hard, maximize the two weeks of non-crabby-energetic-can-actually-lose-poundage time. Then I was thinking, “Seriously? I can lose for just two weeks a month?” That is stupid. I gotta go talk to my doctor to see if there is something that I can do. The thing is, I know this is my pattern. The last time I lost a bunch of weight (6 years ago) the same thing happened. I’d lose right after my cycle started then stall until it played out. If I could somehow fix that I could possibly pick up some more losses. We’ll see.
***
I spent some time talking to this really neat mom who volunteers in my classroom this year. She is on a similar path (she’s much more slender than me but weightloss and fitness are relative- her 20 pounds are every bit of a challenge to her as my 75 pounds are to me- we’re all in this together) and she invited me to an early morning mom’s exercise group. My first reaction was to be all like, “No!” And then to clutch my pearls and take a whiff of my fainting salts to revive my delicate sensibilities. To exercise with other people? Why, I never! I flipped out that I wouldn’t be able to keep up, that I’d look like a fool in front of all the abs of steel moms in midriff tops and spandex booty shorts that do not contain a belly flap formerly inhabited by two infants and lots of fatty deposits… But then I heard my brain spazzing out and stopped the insanity. These are normal women, normal moms. The mom who told me about it is a pretty fly chica. That was fear talking. I’m definitely intrigued. I think I’m gonna give it a go in the very near future.
***
It cracks me up when I sit down to write without anything to say and I turn out a novella.
Goofball.
Yep… That’s me calling myself a goofball.
Welcome to my brain.

Water

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Liquid can be tricky for me. I don’t/won’t drink calories, so that leaves me with water or diet beverages. For a few years now I’ve relied a lot on stuff like iced tea, crystal lite, soda pop and very little plain water.

I went through a HUUUGE soda phase when I first started dieting. I’m a big believer in crutches- we get pain meds after surgery to lessen the pain, I think that if you need a few weeks of soda pop to get you over the hump of craving something, do it. As long as it doesn’t become a lifelong habit, most likely you’ll be ok and the long term benefit of the healthier choice overall will outweigh the short term crutch that may not be part of your long term plan. I used soda for a long time and finally kicked it when I realized how much money we were spending on it- it amounted to some vacation time.
Ouch!

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Last summer I switched to crystal lite, but I’m realizing that the sodium, among other things, is just not doing me any favors. My body is a water retention genius and can hold pounds and pounds of water. Today, after eating lots of salt yesterday, I weighed in at 252 in the morning (compared to 248 yesterday morning). This was unacceptable to me. After reading a little more about sodium, I decided to take the next step today- I’m trying to drink water. Exclusively. I could flush my system and hydrate drinking just water. Unheard of for me. Seriously. I did we’ll today- nothing but water.

I don’t like cold or hot water. The best water is water that has been sitting on the counter all day and is room temperature. So this morning, I filled all the pretty bottles my husband has collected over the years with fresh water and set it out to raise to drinking temperature. All day I sipped, guzzled and drank my way through one and a half of them.

This afternoon? 249. Worked like a charm.

Insane in the Membrane

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I was not a fan of that song.  It did make me feel insane.  And that is exactly what this week has felt like!  Sheesh!  I thought I was going for the payout of, “After Jude’s birthday we’ll have some downtime…”  But I had open house last night and after Tuesday’s festivities, I just had to pick up my skirts and get ready for the next event!  Phew!  After this Saturday, life should return to normal…

This morning we had a two hour late start because of snow.  I think we were just excited about it really, since we’ve really had no snow to speak of this year.  So I came into work and tried to sit down and get some procrastinated grading done.  So there I am, sitting at my desk practically vibrating around my chair.  WTH??  It occurred to me that I have not been exercising.  AT ALL.  And my body is probably a little used to burning off the energy.  so….  I went into my childhood hyper ADHD mode where focus was a joke and I couldn’t stop moving.  Eventually I sat with pen in hand, lots of techno and the Moulin Rouge soundtrack and my legs literally running in place under my desk while I graded tests.

I’m going batty.  As soon as I stopped exercising it’s like I took the whole dieting thing down four or five gears.  I got tired.  I got sleepy.   I also got busy and integrated lots of crap into our house for the party.   The good news is that it seems like any hip swelling is going down.  The bad news is that as the swelling is going down I am starting to feel how deep my injury seemed to go.  I think I got a really interesting bone bruise, truth be told.  As I am healing, little twists and jumps seem to aggravate it, and forget about sleeping on it.  anyhow, this is not a blog to act all old and I’m not planning to deeply ponder my health, but it is an interesting game, this whole changing the body thing.

Stepping away from being so hardcore has offered me some perspective, though.  I do think I put my body into shock.  I went from being fairly inactive to exercising an hour or more per night and eating a net of 900-1200 calories per day (that is my after exercise number).  SO hopefully this little vacation from the program will reset my body a bit and have the desired effect.

***Weekend Goals:

This weekend I am hoping to start getting some stretching and strengthening exercises in.  I found a workout that was made by people who run and it is designed specifically to focus on strengthening the hips of people like me – new fat runners.  🙂  I’ll give it  a try, keep chugging and I am bound to see change.  I want to stay within my calories, of course.

Determination?

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This is really weird.
The not working out. And I’m not trying to be all hyperbolic about it or anything… It’s just, well, scary. And I see the importance of my mindset. When I am exercising, I am keeping the entire goal in my head. When I am taking a break from exercising, it seems, my head also decides to just go ahead and relax all of the rules. Nom nom nom…
I know, I know. PMS. I KNOW!
But talk about the munchies last night! Like, BAD! I ate a totally reasonable dinner. I followed that with a frozen yogurt bar, a bite of leftover birthday cake, a few Jr. mints, a few whoppers and finally I shared a huge bowl of (96% fat free) popcorn. I had a reasonable day, otherwise, but my eating at night felt binge-y and out of control. Like I couldn’t get my brain to shut the heck up about eating. When I look back, I actually stayed right at the precipice of my caloric intake, but I didn’t like the feel of it. I think I’m just finding myself struggling all day every day, fighting this uphill battle where chocolate that is not even in my house is calling to me all the way from QFC. Reminding me it exists. I’m tired of resisting, especially since I’m still not showing progress towards losing weight despite all of my hard work.
I think I might be getting a little discouraged.
So this morning, at my mid-sleep wake up, I decided that I needed to make a goal. If I do that I know that I’ll be more successful just because I’ll remind myself of it and I’ll be disappointed if I don’t make it.
My first goal is to eat clean food today. No more birthday cake. It doesn’t even look or taste good anymore so I will toss it. Second, I’ll have one after dinner snack and call it good. No point in being a good little calorie queen all day only to blow it at night.
If I take it one day at a time I should be able to get through this slump.
Determination, right?

Challenge Time

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I just got through making this huge cake for a soon-to-be five-year-old I know, love and live with. It took three cake mixes and enough cream cheese icing to put any reasonable person into a sugar coma. It’s cute though. My son chose the theme of pirate-Mario-Lego, so that was fun to mix together.

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Yeeaahhhhh….. So. This weekend’s goal? That thing’s pretty much it, right there. I can have a serving, but I can’t go nuts. On ice cream either. Fortunately I am not a cake person. But do you want to know what I am? I’m a Cheetos person. Guess what my boy brought home from the store? Cheetos- puffs AND crunchy! It is going to be a weekend.
(I made a huge cake because I LOVE baking. In the past, this is what I do when I’m bored. I tried to make a small cake, but this was about me getting to play with a medium that I rarely get to work with anymore.)
I’m feeling a little nervous because I’ve been so busy the past two days that I haven’t had time to work out. I’ve been counting calories, but no walks, rides or runs. And last night I had a dessert too. Bradley keeps telling me it’s ok, but this is how I got off track this past October. It was my daughter’s birthday, then my birthday, then thanksgiving, the holidays and before I knew it I was up 20 pounds. It flew in through my mouth and, fortunately, it’s already gone again, but I don’t want to do that again. I won’t do that again. That’s why I had Bradley get veggies and light dip for a veggie tray. Not for the kids- for ME!
So that’s why all the worry and all the over thinking.
It will all be worth it though. This will be my son’s first birthday with his pals. I’m excited for him to be the center of the action. I’m hoping they clear out that cake and those Cheetos!