Day: April 13, 2013

Fruit Binge

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Lately when I start to have a problem- like, I want to eat a bunch, eat wrong foods, skip working out- instead of giving the universal excuse of being tired, I’m trying to go a little deeper and see what is actually at the root of the craving.
This weekend was tough. Unfortunately, we have a somewhat strained relationship with some of our family members and when our kids head out for a weekend away with them it causes me a bit of anxiety. When I have anxiety I look to distract myself. Apparently my main form of distraction is food. Add to that the return of PMS (really?! So soon?!) and lets just say it was a weekend to fight through.
I wanted to eat. So when I looked deeper, I realized I wanted to eat my anxiety away. I wanted to not be in control. I wanted to not think about every little thing that went into my mouth. I wanted to just sit back, relax, and wash all worry and over-thinking from my brain. While on a diet, that is almost impossible as you’re adding up each calorie and fat gram before it even passes over your teeth… On Friday I did that with garbage food- chips & candy.
Today I was getting frantic on the way home as I realized it was happening again- I could feel it coming. I knew when I got home the chips and salsa (which I don’t even like that much) would call out to me even though I knew they would make me sick. So I had Bradley preemptively stop and spend a whole bunch of money on watermelon, strawberries, grapes, mango, cantaloupe, pineapple and any other fruit that looked or sounded even near to yummy. I came home and prepped everything, stacked it on a plate and went to town. It was fabulous. My stomach was full and I got to nosh and nom to my heart’s content, but I didn’t feel sick and I didn’t feel guilty. Phew!
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Gross. Guh-ross!

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Tonight my kids are gone, spending night with their grandpa. Bradley and I are alone in the house, rattling around… Looking for something to do. We made dinner, went in the hot tub, and ate. I ate a BLT (fake bacon, naturally), a bag of pop chips, and tried to call it good. Except… It wasn’t good. I wanted something more. So, I decided to let myself have it. “It” being whatever I wanted to put in my mouth. I wanted chips and salsa. In the belly. Reese’s peanut butter cup. Nom nom nom. And it was if the Teddy Grahams just danced down my throat to some old Grateful Dead tunes. It was all very peaceful and fun and I enjoyed letting myself eat food. I haven’t eaten off my plan, really, since New Years. I’ve been very good for over four months.
(All totaled, I had two servings of tortilla chips, two of salsa, the equivalent of two-three Reese’s peanut butter cups and a handful of teddy Grahams. It could have been MUCH worse. It also could have been much better though, I know.)
Cut to two hours later. Gross. GROSS! GUH-ROSS! That’s how my belly feels now. Gross gross gross. I don’t miss junk food as much as I assumed I would. Turns out? All that junk makes me feel sick.