MLK

  
Today I wanted to be selfish and go for a looooong run.  Not a longer five or six mile run which is my somewhat normal long run distance, I wanted an eight or greater.  I think I wanted the sense of accomplishment because, Ta-DA!  I woke up with depression again today!  Wheeeee!  Are you sick of reading about depressed Tamara?  Because I’m sure sick of being her.  Holy cannoli.  Today it hit and I was like are you serious?  Again?!?  I just got outside of this!  That’s the stupid thing, though, is that depression just doesn’t care that you recently beat it away.  It comes right back for no reason.  So I geared up to face it, to fight it, again, because what else is there to do?  I ate healthy food, I loved on my people, I shared my emotional state with my people, I walked my dog and my family and then I just let myself go.  Or at least tried to.  I get to five or six miles and I start to feel selfish.  I feel like I have another three miles in me but I start to worry that my family needs me for one thing or another, that I’ll get behind in my tasks for the day…  I come up with lots of reasons.  Today, somehow I knew that once I got to my house I’d be done, so I did my best to turn up bunches of cul-de-sacs, to explore new roads I’d not turned up before and wove back and forth along the roads as I made my way home.  The best part of my run was the healing that took place.  I recently got a new-to-me Pitbull album and this was my first time I got to listen to it.  I reveled in the opportunity to do something as simple as listen to an album from beginning to end and over again, returning to favorite tracks as I wanted…  It was luxurious.  It’s that luxurious feeling that turns to guilt that makes me turn home sooner than I should.  I think I need to make it a goal that next weekend I take a long run.  Not necessarily just for training purposes, but also for the healing that happens when I give myself the therapy of nothing, meditating, listening to music time.  I came home a different person than I left it.  Running around my neighborhood clears my mind and freshens my heart; the world often looks different after a good run.  Today I outran my depression and it didn’t walk back through the door with me.  That felt pretty spanking good.  🙂

  

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