But I refuse to fall in.
Whenever I choose to push myself really really hard it always comes with a cost at some point. I think over past two weeks I’ve been settling up that debt that I built up with three miles every day running and rigid nutrition like nobody’s business for two months… Not so long? Yeah, I know, but for me, this takes ridiculous focus and drive. And I wore out. I’ve been starting blog posts and not posting them because they’ve just been lists of complaints; things that went wrong and as they compounded over the days it no longer felt random, all of this BS, it started to feel like some kind of natural conspiracy almost; the fates came together to make MY life difficult, right? Yeah. Notsomuch.
So I refused to fall in. That’s been different this time- I have the strength to resist the siren’s song of falling down, letting go and getting up close and personal with my pillow as I ride out the waves of depression and anxiety. This time I was able to see the difference between real, common-sense problems and manufactured drama my PMS addled brain offers up. I was able to make functional action plans and employ strategies to get better. And it was better. I haven’t had a depression cycle for several months and I’m really proud that it’s been so long as well as how I got through this one so successfully. I’m glad to say that even though my mood has been down, I didn’t even gain any weight back or lose progress in my fitness.
Today, though, it finally feels like the clouds parted, the sun came out and I’m really back. I feel like I’m back, at least. I was driving down the road feeling the sun, feeling like the sun and I realized I felt so good. Today, for the first time in what feels like ages, my students’, childrens’ or friend’s choices didn’t decide what kind of day I was having, I decided my mood. I worked through my day and loved my second graders and colleagues just like I am supposed to. I got all of my jobs done and even came home, with a smile on my face, to see my Boyo in his first-ever science fair!
Gracious me, I’m happy, and it feels so good!