She Did It!

I did it! I did it! Funny how just last night I was feeling all guilty about possibly wearing the boots prematurely. Then I hopped on the scale this morning and saw 225. For a second I even saw 224.6, so I decided that its good enough for me. I met my goal! Woot woot!

My next goal is to hit 200 by Jude’s birthday. That’s 25 pounds in six months. I think I should be able to do it, hopefully even beat the goal, but I want to make sure I don’t put too much pressure on myself by making an unreachable goal. I need to think up an awesome prize to reach for. That said, while the boots were nice to get, I’m more happy just with the accomplishment of having met the goal. I’ve never been this successful with losing weight. It’s thrilling to finally be doing it.
Last night after I got home I was really happy. Like, really happy. I rarely go out and do anything like that so it was an extra big treat to spend an evening among new adult type people… If you know what I mean.
But then I got home, the lights went out, Bradley rolled to his side, crashed out, I was alone with my thoughts and my mind wouldn’t shut up. As if to counterbalance the wonderful evening, my brain went into anxiety overdrive mode and started worrying about, well, anything it could come up with: I have a meeting at work on Friday that I’m over processing. I told silly jokes at the table- good or bad thing? Asking myself if I’m I too tough on my own kids, if am I doing a good job in my classroom? I’m being observed next week for my first evaluation of the year… Oh my gosh it’s 2:00… 3:00… 4:00… Crap. Almost time to rise and shine and get ready…
A few years ago there was an incident that followed a night of little sleep and massive anxiety all night that I decided to go ahead and push through and go to work. The result was me having a full-blown panic attack and crying in a meeting with school district officials and a table full of my colleagues. Talk about learning the meaning of humility, asking them to turn a blind eye to my tears that just would not stop.
I called for a sub this morning at 5:AM, after a few measly moments drowsing before my brain jerked me awake with the realization that I was dropping off to sleep, and hopped in my car. I reached my school at about 5:45 where I put together a really fabulous day for my students. Seriously, there is good learning happening there. When I returned home, at last my exhaustion was able to offer enough drowsiness to muster a few hours of sleep, then I woke up to deal with more anxiety and panic attacks all day. At this writing, it’s 5:00 at night and I already feel like I could crawl in bed for the night. Hopefully I won’t worry all night tonight too.
I associate a lot of my mood swings and anxiety with my cycles. I’m in PMS mode now and, after losing seven pounds over the past few weeks, I’ve certainly released some of the toxins that get stored in fat. I asked a friend of mine, who is versed in the ways of women’s anatomy, if weightloss and the shedding of the toxins and excess hormones that are stored in fat do impact a woman’s mood swings during her cycle, and she said definitely, yes. So I think that has a lot to do with all of this craziness. It will be nice when I’m done losing the weight so I don’t have to put my family (or me) through this every month.
I’ve also noticed my weightloss patterns are changing. Warrior week doesn’t seem quite as important as it once did. I lose weight pretty easily (as long as I stick to my plans) all month long now. Its funny that I’m having an easier time losing weight the smaller it get. PCOS really had a strong grip on me for a really long time. It’s good to be in control.

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