I gotta crow!
I have reached a huge milestone! After years and years and years of being a heavy girl, I have finally reached a ‘big girl’ number! Today I stepped on the scale and was shocked to see that I went from 254 on Jude’s birthday weekend, to 250! It is the number I promised myself I’d not be ashamed of when I got to it. It signifies a 90 pound weightloss at this point. 90 pounds. It also signifies being well over halfway to my goal. I still would like to lose between 60-80 pounds.
250. To some, I know this is still a really big number. I know. But for me, 250 is about what I weighed when Bradley and I got together. I was this size, this weight, maybe less, but we fell in love over Alfredo sauce, pizza, donuts and strawberry soda. I gained a lot of weight quickly.
So I’m in new territory now. My husband has never known me this small. A whole new world…
I’m not sure what my actual goal is except not to go over 215 after all is said and done. Id like to try 170 at first and just see how it feels, how it is to live with, and I’ll make adjustments from there. With my hormonal imbalances, I’m trying to be realistic with how much exercise I can do weekly to maintain my weight. People who reach their ideal BMI with PCOS on the Biggest Loser are always told to exercise 6 days a week for about 90 minutes for life. That sounds intimidating. Possible, but intimidating. I already spend about 60 minutes per day!
I gotta crow!
I have been sick. Like, the kind of sick that’s all up in your sinuses and makes you sneeze about 4000 times a day and makes your eyes run all -the -time- kind of sick! I will usually teach through most colds, but I can’t do it through laryngitis and I won’t do it with tears running down my face! So I stayed home.
Being sick worked out well with my exercise vacation. I was sick throughout most of the excer-break, and my body even bonused an extra day off yesterday. Today I worked out on the Wii Fit. It’s fun, but I miss the great outdoors. Today’s workout was mostly just intended to remind my body that this is still the plan. We are still dieting, we are still working it out. We just needed a break…
(‘We’ refers to the muscles I’m rallying here at the quarter break!) The excer-break seemed to do the trick with my body. I really was getting worn out. My limbs were hurting, my joints, ALL of my muscles ached. But my hips made the most noise and were really concerning me. I’m pleased to report that after the time off my hips are totally fine. If I sit in one position too long they get stiff, but I’m relieved that I seemed to make a pretty complete recovery. Phew! I was afraid I was going to have to quit running as soon as I had begun. Like, really worried.
The rain today was gorgeous. Being from Seattle, we get plenty of rain so it’s like blaspheme for me to utter such a phrase. But yeah. The rain looked beautiful. I came home and looked outside to see that kind of rain that turns all summery looking because the sun’s shining through the backside… All golden… It was beautiful. And then I remembered the one time I’ve ever run in the rain and how much I loved it, the way is sprayed across my face, how happy I was to realize a new reason to appreciate the rain. I was dying to go out. But no, tomorrow. Gigi and I will head out again tomorrow to see if the old hips are gonna make the magic happen.
In other RAD news? The Color Me Rad Race happens on 8/10 in my town! I have yet to register, but I’m planning to be there, vacation allowing. If not that race, I’ll go be rad somewhere else. 🙂
I finally am admitting it- I’m sick. Like eye watering, sneezing every 20 minutes, coughing like crazy sick. My husband just told me that I keep acting like I’m not sick, but that I am! He said I’m sensitive and cranky. I agree. I hate being sick. Grrr.
But I still have positive news.
I killed it on the Wii Fit today. Perhaps that is one of the reasons I’m so wiped out.
And my new Wii Fit age is 40! I’m eight years younger than last time!
Then I crashed out.
Blew my nose lots.
Wiped at my eyes.
Coughed and sneezed more.
And otherwise was that miserable, sick person you shield the young and elderly from.
I’m not going to work tomorrow. I have a long list of reasons I’m not happy about missing work. I’m trying to see the positive. I’ll get to boil Easter eggs and canoodle with my little, blonde, five-year-old. And being sick is a real good excuse to do lots of that.
So far this is my day:
The first part of the day was decorating the venue for my daughter’s school’s PTSA auction with Pacman, Miss Pacman and a few of the ghosts and treats. After that it was retail therapy and nail painting. I’m not saying I’m the best at painting my stubby, little nails, but I do have great taste in color!
This morning I hopped on the scale to see those two pesky pounds that jumped on as soon as I stopped exercising on Tuesday, disappear. Along with them they took a half pound, so I am down 2.5 this week after being up two earlier this week. A net of a half pound lost! I know, it doesn’t seem like THE numbers I’m looking for, but after sitting for a month without any significant movement on the scale, it feels like progress! Something! At last!
Bradley emailed me an article yesterday that was about fat. The article not only had a lot of interesting fat factoids (and a stomach turning Dr. Oz video), it also confirmed my suspicions about my body going into stress and holding onto the fat instead of letting it go.
I did lie a little bit. I gave up 70% of my exercise. I figured my hip was really what needed rest so I took two complete days off of everything and since then I’ve played around with Wii Fit and I’ve done a few rounds of abs and arms workouts. If I stopped altogether I was afraid of losing my momentum. Today my plan is to do Wii, abs, arms and end with some of the hip exercises. I figure it’s ok. I’ve kept everything focused on strength training and it’s all been low impact. And really, I lost weight for the first time in a while. I must be doing something right!
EmbarASSing confession- my butt is getting cuter. I was reading on Pinterest all these amazing workouts one can do on Memes, and of course they have, like, a 21 year old chick standing there in a midriff shirt, close up on the compression shorts ensconced booty – wait, lemme correct that- a high, tight, round booty that you could bounce quarters on in compression shorts. I looked at those and thought, “Man, that will never be me.”* And that may be true. It does say not for people with weak knees. I may never wear a midriff shirt (let’s give that a 3% chance of happening intentionally), but it would seem that when I work my rear, it hops to and pays a little attention! I’m liking the change and my husband is not complaining either. Lets just leave it at that. 🙂
*I realized after I wrote this that in the past having that thought would have been enough to stop me from even trying to move forward. As if because I might not ever look like the girl in that picture it just wasn’t worth it. Isn’t that strange? That some improvement wasn’t good enough? It makes me wonder how often I tell myself things aren’t possible because I allow the fear of failure to hold me back.
Pet peeve of mine- why do people care so much about ‘dressing their age’?! This morning I overheard one mom say to the other, “We’ll, she’s like FIFTY and she’s trying to dress like her daughter who is 18!” A gasp and a giggle later and the room was all a flutter. I encountered this last year too at Disneyland too. There was a group of ‘adults’ in front of me commenting on a group of early twenty-something girls wearing total nerd girl shirts with quotes about reading, physics and Schrödinger’s cat. This did not escape these women who agreed that, “There just comes a time in your life when you have to buy a grown up’s t-shirt.” There I was, wearing a bright pink t-shirt with Wonder Woman on it while waiting to ride Toy Story Mania. The height of sophistication. I turned around and obviously studied their plain brown khakis and age safe pastel tops with indistinguishable designs safely centered above their bosoms. Their husbands were the male counterpart. Who cares? So then, I wonder, do people say that kind of stuff about me? Because I like color and wear a lot of it. I like to play with clothes. I like kid stuff. Fortunately I work in a profession that encourages And perhaps that’s why this is a pet peeve of mine- I’m waiting for the day I get accused of dressing like a (oh please, NO) 18 year old!
I was not a fan of that song. It did make me feel insane. And that is exactly what this week has felt like! Sheesh! I thought I was going for the payout of, “After Jude’s birthday we’ll have some downtime…” But I had open house last night and after Tuesday’s festivities, I just had to pick up my skirts and get ready for the next event! Phew! After this Saturday, life should return to normal…
This morning we had a two hour late start because of snow. I think we were just excited about it really, since we’ve really had no snow to speak of this year. So I came into work and tried to sit down and get some procrastinated grading done. So there I am, sitting at my desk practically vibrating around my chair. WTH?? It occurred to me that I have not been exercising. AT ALL. And my body is probably a little used to burning off the energy. so…. I went into my childhood hyper ADHD mode where focus was a joke and I couldn’t stop moving. Eventually I sat with pen in hand, lots of techno and the Moulin Rouge soundtrack and my legs literally running in place under my desk while I graded tests.
I’m going batty. As soon as I stopped exercising it’s like I took the whole dieting thing down four or five gears. I got tired. I got sleepy. I also got busy and integrated lots of crap into our house for the party. The good news is that it seems like any hip swelling is going down. The bad news is that as the swelling is going down I am starting to feel how deep my injury seemed to go. I think I got a really interesting bone bruise, truth be told. As I am healing, little twists and jumps seem to aggravate it, and forget about sleeping on it. anyhow, this is not a blog to act all old and I’m not planning to deeply ponder my health, but it is an interesting game, this whole changing the body thing.
Stepping away from being so hardcore has offered me some perspective, though. I do think I put my body into shock. I went from being fairly inactive to exercising an hour or more per night and eating a net of 900-1200 calories per day (that is my after exercise number). SO hopefully this little vacation from the program will reset my body a bit and have the desired effect.
This weekend I am hoping to start getting some stretching and strengthening exercises in. I found a workout that was made by people who run and it is designed specifically to focus on strengthening the hips of people like me – new fat runners. 🙂 I’ll give it a try, keep chugging and I am bound to see change. I want to stay within my calories, of course.
This is really weird.
The not working out. And I’m not trying to be all hyperbolic about it or anything… It’s just, well, scary. And I see the importance of my mindset. When I am exercising, I am keeping the entire goal in my head. When I am taking a break from exercising, it seems, my head also decides to just go ahead and relax all of the rules. Nom nom nom…
I know, I know. PMS. I KNOW!
But talk about the munchies last night! Like, BAD! I ate a totally reasonable dinner. I followed that with a frozen yogurt bar, a bite of leftover birthday cake, a few Jr. mints, a few whoppers and finally I shared a huge bowl of (96% fat free) popcorn. I had a reasonable day, otherwise, but my eating at night felt binge-y and out of control. Like I couldn’t get my brain to shut the heck up about eating. When I look back, I actually stayed right at the precipice of my caloric intake, but I didn’t like the feel of it. I think I’m just finding myself struggling all day every day, fighting this uphill battle where chocolate that is not even in my house is calling to me all the way from QFC. Reminding me it exists. I’m tired of resisting, especially since I’m still not showing progress towards losing weight despite all of my hard work.
I think I might be getting a little discouraged.
So this morning, at my mid-sleep wake up, I decided that I needed to make a goal. If I do that I know that I’ll be more successful just because I’ll remind myself of it and I’ll be disappointed if I don’t make it.
My first goal is to eat clean food today. No more birthday cake. It doesn’t even look or taste good anymore so I will toss it. Second, I’ll have one after dinner snack and call it good. No point in being a good little calorie queen all day only to blow it at night.
If I take it one day at a time I should be able to get through this slump.
Last night I was tucking my four-year-old in for the last time ever (coz he’s five today, y’all!) and I reached across him to begin the computer playing his lullaby music. I was wearing a tank top and Jude stopped me suddenly and asked, “What is that squishy thing?!”
I stopped, what squishy thing? Squishy things, in my mind, don’t belong in my son’s bed because squishy and slimy go hand in hand when it comes to children. Instead, he reached up, and began to lovingly stroke my batwing. Batwings, for those in a blissful state of ignorance, are those pouches of skin that hang like hammocks under your arms, rendering you incapable (or warned against) wearing sleeveless clothing. Like this:
Yes, I fuzzed out my underarm stubble. No need to get that gritty. But after one of my top ten bloggers posted bikini pictures of herself at a size 14/16, I felt like I should not be ashamed to define the term ‘batwing’ by using my own body.
Especially since my attention was drawn to it from one of the sweetest ever inquiries: “Mama, why are they so soft? What are they? Are they new? Why I never see them fore?” Followed up with scientific observations like: They are so soft! I like how they wiggle! Haha! Jiggly! Ooh! Shaky! And my favorite: I love them!
He loves them. I laid in bed for several minutes while my son stroked my bat wings lovingly. And this morning while I was getting dressed, there he was again. Telling me that this place on my body, which I see as flawed, he sees as lovely texture on his mama. It made me kinda like them, truth be told.
A common misunderstanding among the losers and the non-losers of the weightloss world is that if you compliment me on my weightloss that it is really a backhanded insult. What people worry about me hearing is, “You look so much better than you did back when you were a giant, hideous troll.” Listen, I know what you’re saying when you say I look good, or like I’m losing weight, or I’m looking fit, or healthy or whatever. What you’re saying is, “I am noticing you are making a healthy change in your life! Good job!” I get that. I like that! I NEED that.
I was never one of those fat girls who avoided dating because of my weight. Or life, for that matter. Certainly, being thinner gives me more confidence when considering my adoring fans (please point them out to me next time you see them because I am still looking for the section in the crowd with pennants and foam fingers reading ‘Go Team Lj!”), but I never have been excluded, bullied, mocked or teased because of my weight. I have always considered this luck, but lately I have been wondering if it is more my outlook and confidence. You don’t mess with T-Diddy Lj, you know. (Doesn’t that sound tough?! T-Diddy Lj? Hannah? No? Oh well.)
I think it’s also hard for people to understand my satisfaction with my life, like for most of it, thin or thick (I’ve lived most of my 39 years thick style). Yes, I am losing weight. Yes, I am enjoying the benefits of losing weight and getting fit (smaller clothes, being active, lots of energy) but I also have just always really liked myself. Rarely have I ever been caught moaning in my closet about how I hated how fat I was, I’ve never seen myself as less worthy, less pretty. That said, there have been moaning, self loathing moments, but they are far and few between. In my eyes, I have always been acceptable. I credit an amazing support system growing up and my husband with this confidence. Yeah, it’s me too, but the meta message I have always received is that I am enough, that I am pretty, that I have physical and intellectual value in this world.
Clearly my son agrees.
I wrote this back in January when I recommitted to becoming my healthiest self. I didn’t post it to my family blog (it just seems too self centered and not necessarily something I wanted tracked on Facebook), but now that I have this place it seems appropriate to go back to the roots of this project.
I get frustrated sometimes with weightloss. Like, why is it not coming off as fast as I would like?! Which is silly. I know why it doesn’t come off when it stops happening – move more eat less! But I get down on myself. I know when I look in my clothes I see different numbers, but I have never put the before and after results of my efforts over the past year plus side by side. I’m pretty amazed.
The woman who keeps the blog has a pretty typical Biggest loser kind of story – big girl gets fed up with fat and is determined to lose it in a year. She is successful, has surgery and looks absolutely amazing. Honestly, more amazing than I need to look. I’m inspired now, though. Reading her blog lit a fire under me again and I am chasing this thing down.
My goal for the rest of the year is 40 off before I turn 40 in October. That is a completely reasonable 4-5 pounds off a month. If I meet my goal I get to buy new boots. Pretty boots. NICE boots. 🙂 Since the New Year has begun I am down eight pounds, but my forty starts today. So technically it will be 48 before 40, but I think I can let that slide. [update: my current loss since 1/1 is down 17 pounds.]
I started out on the weightloss when my doctor told me that my fertility was being affected by my PCOS and my weight. He said if I lost just 5-10% of my body weight that I might get pregnant. I realized I had to make a choice – family or fat. It was hard at first. But after a while we got way into it, I lost about 50 pounds, and lo and behold, and baby came into our lives. Jude was born and I gained pretty much everything back. The gall bladder, the pregnancy, nursing and not exercising took their toll and I found myself passing an unmentionable marker again, pushing the seams of my 24’s. I started cutting back a little. A woman I know lost a pile of weight and inspired me to start trying in earnest. Last October I was 85 down, climbed a little back up through the holidays, and now I’m 80 down total. If you add all the gains in there I have probably lost closer to 160 or so. It just comes back so easily! But the incredible thing this time is that I can step back into dieting and monitoring easily, I don’t fight it anymore, and when I want a cupcake I have one. Or half of one. Or a bite at least!
This time, though, I am taking it out karate chop, biggest loser style. I’m going to try to make my goal without this meandering “Longest Diet In the World’ crap that I have been on for about 6 years now. I’m officially a midlifer now and I don’t have a bunch of time to waste anymore if I want to make a positive health impact on my life and my longevity.
To be at my ultimate goal I need to lose around eighty more. I can lose more, but I also want to be a realist about what I think I can maintain. Bradley and I walk every day but I think I need to start adding running intervals into that. I am starting weights and riding my cycle every chance I have. While listening to Katy Perry (shhhh. The time just goes faster when shes talkin’ ’bout last Friday night!).
So cheers for new beginnings and brightened enthusiasm on a lifelong project! And cheers for how far I’ve come! Looking back, I can’t believe it! I remember those days where I would sit, my knees would ache, I’d walk down a hill dreading the return trip… And the weightloss? It feels different now. It feels like I finally have control, like I can reign it in. It is a high unlike anything and it feels so so good. It feels right and it feels like it’s real, like it’s really going to happen this time. I believe it.
I saw this quote somewhere and laughed! So I made my first meme! LOL! It’s almost shameful how proud I am of that thing. Sheesh.
However, let’s bring it down. Let’s get serious.
I’m having a tough time.
I never realized how important it was to keep a clean cupboard without junk in it. Especially when I’m at the height of my cycle’s binging ridiculousness. Ugh. The Cheetos puffs are calling me. I’ll admit to having a serving of them today. I’ll also confess that I ate some ice cream. What I did not do, however, was eat cake. I packed that into Rubbermaid tubs, sent some home with my nephew and got rid of the temptation to swipe some icing by covering everything with lids and cling wrap. I also hid the cheese puffs. How ridiculous is that?
I made myself eat a super fiber filled and protein rich lunch of chili and that seemed to take the edge off. I noticed that having a diet of empty carbs and fatty protein (pizza) just made me feel more hungry all weekend. I could clearly see the relationship between diet, energy, hunger and cravings.
I spent my day making sure the pizza and cheesy poofs didn’t take permanent residence on my rear. I rode my cycle at a solid fat burning pace for 30 minutes, did the abs cycle, the sexy arms workout and then explored wii fit for the first time ever. Oh my goodness. It was like a St. Patty’s Day miracle, I tell ya’! We all made profiles and committed to our first workouts, so I scored a solid 10 minutes of aerobics. That was FUN! We ran all over downstairs as a family and got nice and sweaty. I’m sad to say I also learned my wii fit age. Suffice it to say I was unimpressed with the result. (48. No further comment.)
If asked, I would say I did a fairly good job this weekend. I’d like to say I was exceptional. That I didn’t consume extra calories, that I stayed within my food budgets. But I didn’t. I went over my calories both days this weekend. That said, I only went over by about 200 calories each day. Considering my allowance to lose is 1600 calories, I think 1800 calories isn’t too bad for this kind of weekend at this time of the month. So I’ll give myself a 50% pass. On exercise? I brought my A game and I earned a 100%. I exercised for 30 minutes yesterday and an hour plus today. Good job, mama!
Sleep has returned, quite possibly, for the first time in nine and a half years (that is how old my daughter is). When I became pregnant for the first time I lost the ability to sleep through the night. Babies didn’t change that. They just refined my brain’s technique of making me jolt awake over tiny little things.
The past few years have brought the pleasure of anxiety, depression and the resulting panic attacks. So not only could I not sleep, I would lay in bed worrying over the tiniest things (I can’t forget to bring $4.00 to work! Today I made a joke- funny or inappropriate?!), to big giant things (I don’t know if my kids know how much I love them! What happens after we die?!). It has not been fun. A typical night would have me asleep around 10:00, awake around 2:00, possibly asleep around 4:00, and awake again at 6:00 (or later on a weekend). Usually when I wake the first time I’m just up for the duration, though. I read trashy stuff on the Internet, blog and write emails that people always respond to with, “Why are you up at 2:30 in the morning?” I am a mom. That’s why!
This year I hit a bit of balance. My brain seems to be calming down and my life seems to be falling back into place (the short version of why I went crazy- national boards, had a baby then more college, then we built a house OURSELVES from the ground up, had an injured husband, I got a new boss, got another new boss, and, yes, another (final) new boss, challenging work situations, my parents moved out of state, his family dynamics changed dramatically and my cat died.). So this year I decided to take a year off of stress. Off of extra events, clubs and planning. I decided to not be in charge of anything except my class and myself. I dropped out of clubs, social groups and turned down invitations to most anything for about six months. I relaxed. It was the best decision I ever made.
Then, along came January, and I started exercising and taking care of not just the mental side of me, but the physical side. It has all combined to make me mentally peaceful and quiet, more tired, less broody and capable of extended hours of sleep again. Last week I only had three incomplete nights of sleep. This, from a woman who has slept through the night only about twice a year since the kids have come into our lives. Now, suddenly, I fall asleep at 10:00 and magically wake up at 5:30 or 6:00. It’s surprising and I love it!
And I hate hash tags, but for some reason I feel the need to include one, as a bumper sticker of sorts: