As previously stated, Memorial Day Weekend was a bust for the Lj’s, as far as good times, camping, hooting, hollering and general rabble rousing that is usually associated with a three-day, holiday weekend. It was kind of funny, though. As we were taking stock and considering how things turned out, Jude let us know that this weekend was kind of fun, even if we were sick. He said he really liked laying around in bed all day watching movies, snuggling up to his family and being really un-busy. It made me realize how on-the-go we always are and that sometimes it’s a good thing to give in to a nine-hour movie marathon even if they’re not sick. Sometimes, once every 7-11 years, I suppose, it’s ok to go slower than slow and be stiller and more placid than ever. Sometimes you need the stomach flu to remind you of that. 😉
This morning I couldn’t resist. Even though I know this is an illness-related number, I’m still weighing in at 194. It’s magical. Stupid, but magical. I was reflecting back on my BMI (Body Mass Index is a measure of body fat based on height and weight) from when I started which was 50.2. That means that over half of my body makeup was fat. Today, Bradley was commenting that I’ve lost almost 150 pounds (146 to be precise) and I almost weigh half of what I used to! Reflective moments like this are a nice reminder that I’ve come so far. It’s easy to forget where I was and I think that is why it’s easy to get back there. Old habits slip in along with new ones, and if I don’t reflect back on where I was often then I lose perspective and stop maintaining or moving forward.
I was also thinking about the purpose of my project at this point. Technically I’m still overweight, so I know that if I continue to slide on down the scale that I’ll also have more enduring health, but quite honestly? I’m really, REALLY happy with my body, my fitness and appearance at this point. My body looks absolutely fabulous to me. It’s hard for me to say that, but seriously. SERIOUSLY. I remember thinking that if I could be a size 16 that I would have it made. A size 14 was simply dreamy, and anything smaller that was just out of the question and would open up a world of possibility. So, to be a smaller size 14, ready to step into a 12 soon? It’s mind-blowing to me. And when I do comparison pictures of myself, then and now, I’m just amazed!!
I mean, look at that! I wore that outfit out to the store today- I NEVER would have thought I would wear something like that. I see signs, sometimes, that say ‘dress for the body you have, not the one you want’, and I may have a distorted sense of the way I look, but I actually think I look fine. Who would have thought?*
Looking fine and feeling solidly in good shape make me really start to question my purpose again. I want to weigh 170, but how important is it to me at this point? Is it just vanity? The accomplishment of it? I think I’m looking for my motive and I’m, in general, solidly against my weightloss for my appearance purposes alone. As a byproduct, yes. However, beauty fades and the enduring benefit I get is a healthier life, so I choose health as my focus, but it’s hard to keep going when I feel like I’m so there already. Perhaps I mostly just feel like I want to be done. I’m ready to not be pushing to weigh less anymore. I want to just exercise, play, be healthy and have fun, and enjoy my body, but that last 25 pounds is nagging at me…
(Again- I only am shooting for 25 pounds, down from 170 pounds to lose! CRAZY!)
So, on I push. My motive, I guess, is the goal I set for myself in the beginning of my project and being true to my original intent. I know that if I don’t make my goal that it will hang over my head for life, much like if I hadn’t finished college. I made promises to myself that I promised I would keep, for the first time ever, and it seems that I’m pretty determined to meet my goal. It will certainly be sweet when I get there!
Cheers for a healthy week! 🙂
*It’s important to note that I never throw older pictures up on my website to mock myself or call myself ugly, unworthy or anything like that. I was a very happy person back then. Limited, but happy. Because so much of weightloss is ‘headwork’ there is little evidence to show except for my body, before and after, so it’s important to share the evidence. The before picture was taken as a wish that one day I’d be able to use it exactly in this fashion, as a comparison, so I use it with pride. I have no shame in who I was, but I am much happier and realized as the person I am now.