Little Miss So & So

Let me just start off by saying this is a really weird post for me to write. It’s super awkward and embarrassing and immodest to talk about what I’m going to talk about. That said, changes are underfoot and I’m dedicated to acknowledging and recording my experiences…
Before I get rolling here, I also need to preemptively say I don’t know if I am actually attractive or not. I have no idea. Sometimes I look in the mirror and am all like, “Whoa, Mama! Where have you been all these years?!” And other times I’m looking in the mirror and everything seems out of scale, I have rings under my eyes, my jaw bone and nose are huge and I can’t remember why I went ‘Whoa, Mama,” in the first place. I guess it’s like assessing your own partner or kids after a while. Objectivity has long since parted ways with my ability to determine how attractive or unattractive my family is. According to me, she is the prettiest, he is terribly handsome and my husband is unrivaled in his magically babelisciousness sexy self. Know what I mean? So I’m not saying I attract tons of attention here for my absolute hotness, just more than I’ve garnered in the past.
So… I get checked out now. By guys. It’s pretty weird.
I don’t mean that I have men (and/or women) panting at my feet, asking for my number or anything like that, but I do get assessed, categorized, considered and that is a new thing for me.
As a fat girl, I have gone through life, with the exception of my 17 year old self when I lost a bunch of weight, being immediately dismissed. Unlike the girl with a big nose or weird hair or whatever weirdness one might think she has, mine was obvious from a distance- I was a big girl and, when you are a big girl, you can tell from a distance. There was little I could do to camouflage 340 pounds and the net result was that any categorizing and assessing ended long before I would get up next to anyone who might check me out. Check the box, here’s a fat girl… Not to say I didn’t have my fans, but they were much more rare.
Now I get checked out all the time.
Seriously. And it’s not just one type of person. On some days it’s older gentlemen, today it was three separate guys who were very tall and in their 20’s. And the men are good looking too. I’m flabbergasted. It’s not like it means anything significant. I’m certainly satisfied with the man I live with and I am not looking to hook up with random guys who actually look at me in the grocery store, mostly it’s just nice to actually be considered. To not be shut down even before they get close enough to see my crow’s feet and elementary aged children hovering nearby means a lot. It means I am fitting into a different body type category and that is a fun and interesting place to be in right now.
Anyhow, I hope that didn’t come off as all snotty and pious. I hope you understand what I’m trying to say. I’m having fun seeing what happens with my new body. I’m trying something completely different midlife and it’s so fun to observe the outcomes.

The last time I ran I was just on this side of recovering from a cold. The air has been thick and soupy with tons of fog lately and when I ran I gave myself some bronchial issues. I immediately got a chest cold the next day and what feels like a sinus infection. I’ve taken the rest of the week off, but tonight I took my dog, Martha, for a walk and it was just killer not to trot some of it or break into a run from time to time. I think tomorrow I want I do an interval run, maybe, and just push myself just a little and see how that feels. I’ll admit that I have been eating yummy things way more than I should. I NEED to be working out more and harder.
In addition to that, I purchased the NKOTB album called The Block and those boys are kind of nasty on it. But I still want to listen to it so I need to go running so I have time to listen to my filthy New Kids not in front of my kids. LOL. I laugh, but I am serious. It’s so fun to have music to look forward to running to. I also have Robin Thicke to listen to. Apparently the more perverse the better for my ears…
I have decided to take a diet bet this January. I am joining with a friend from work who was successful and won a few bucks while she lost a few pounds. She also pointed out that, yes, you are betting against other people in the pool, but every person who did it with her lost weight. So, really, everyone won, regardless of whether or not a few bucks made it into their account. It’s not about the money, for sure, but it seems fun to have an additional external motivator to propel me into the New Year.

One Comment

  1. Saskia

    Long time lurker here, first time commenter 🙂

    I actually had the same experience. I was a size 16, now I’m a 12, and I get attention from guys now. Not quite the catcalling on the street (thank God, I don’t think I want that) but I notice it in flirting (I’m so used to not being a flirting target that I don’t realize guys might be smiling at me) and especially with online dating. I still check the “curvy” box, but now it just means I have big, ahem, assets and an hour glass shape and I meet guys actually attracted to those things.

    Long story short: I’m still getting used to having a body that’s attractive, and not having to win guys over with my personality and hope they don’t notice the fat. It’s one of those things that makes me half happy and half sad, because I have so much behavior and thought patterns to unlearn…

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