I saw a quote a few weeks ago that said:
And I just keep coming back to it, considering it, pondering it.
Being fat was hard. I had to sacrifice a lot to be heavy- most obviously, quality of life, if not years of life altogether. Not to mention my fertility, watching my family skip events because I was over sized, lying to myself about what I was eating and how much I was moving. It hurt, my back, my muscles, knees. It was really hard being really heavy.
Losing weight is also really hard. It is hard to say no. It’s hard to make life changes that are so long term. It’s hard to go work out, to run every day. It’s hard to bend over and touch my toes because I’m ridiculously stiff. It’s hard to look at the clock and realize that you still have weight reps and it’s 10:00 PM. It’s hard to have PMS telling me to stick everything in my mouth and have to battle that craving for weeks at a time. It’s hard to circle the track once again.
Maintenance is going to be hard. Success stories are rare and percentages are not on my side. I’ve read that only 5% of people who lose weight keep it off (though this is disputed). It’s hard to look at the next 40 years with the awareness that I will never again go through a weight gain binge of just not worrying. It’s hard to think that I have to maintain a high level of fitness for always – even when I don’t want to. Hard.
Pick your hard. It think it’s obvious which hard I’m working on now.
You know that feeling you get when you’re dieting and all of the sudden you fall off the wagon? Then you spend the next week or so making deals and promises to yourself, setting timelines and making excuses and lying to yourself to cover up poor behaviors? This is where I’ve been over the past week.
Then, if all goes truly horribly offroad you find yourself, two months later, with 20 pounds regained and an oppressive sense of defeat. It’s terrifying, seeing your determination take a break, looking for motivation, inspiration and nothing reveals itself. And then you’re an island without the crutches you desperately lean on to keep moving forward and all that’s available is yourself, but you feel so weak. It is much easier to just chill on the couch with (insert yummy food here) while watching The Biggest Loser while also feeling your ability or desire to be The Biggest Loser ebb away. Yeah. Every time I step outside of this rigid eating plan I have for myself I flip out that I’ll never get it back. That I’m on that path to losing it.
It’s times like these that I fall back on just being a really honest cheerleader to myself. One that reminds me of the things I told myself in the beginning:
– It’s up to me to do this. It’s my willpower and determination that will decide my success in this project- not the ‘right’ feeling, the right time, finding the motivation, being on a roll or having good habits- it’s me. I can do it or not, but if I fail, that was a decision I made and I can only be upset with myself. If I fail it will be my fault. It all comes down to me.
It was hard to get back on track. Hard, but not as difficult as the first few times. Those times I was determined and willing to try based on the blind faith that I had in myself to do this for real this time. Now I have experience on my side that proves I’m capable of stopping the snowball and getting my food back under control. This time it just took a day and I was stepping back into better habits. It feels so good to be in control again. So good to fall asleep without hating the choices I made. It’s amazing to believe in myself. It’s like I’ve kinda beat this monkey that has been on my back for years. I know I’m still early on, but if faith and determination have brought me this far, why wouldn’t I just keep on using them to believe in this for a lifetime?
It’s good to feel in control again. Phew!