Tamara Shazam!

I’ve fallen so far off of the wagon that I can’t even see it anymore. I know I said I was going to forgive myself right now because it’s been just, well, insane, but oh my goodness. This weekend I ate pretty much anything I felt like putting in my mouth. I ate, even when I was full, which is a humongous no-no for me. Then, today, I sat in my classroom after my students left and ate the Fritos that have been in my classroom since February along with 2/3 of a sleeve of Girlscout Thin Mint cookies while watching a home renovation show in my rocking chair. You see, I packed my classroom all day, worked with kids all day, played kickball in the blazing sun AND shared my meager little lunch with Bradley (who was working in my classroom as the best packer-mover, ever)! I earned those junky treats, right? Except… I never allow myself to make excuses for poor eating. I have to own what I really did and remind myself that food is never a reward- I can’t allow myself to ‘earn’ food. It’s a choice and a necessity, not a prize. I looked long and hard at those cookies before finally decided that, yes, I would happily work those calories off, later this summer, in numerous runs and workouts in order to have 20 minutes of peace, stillness and mindless munching on salt, fat and sugar. I can’t say that it was worth it or that I’ll love working them off necessarily, but I will say that I sure enjoyed the yummies and the moment of peace I got while enjoying them.

After I allowed my transgression, I got right back to packing up my room and nearly finished the whole thing, so that was worth it. Before that I had been feeling quite tired and like throwing in the towel, heading home, but I feel good that I made so much progress, now. My room is about an hour from being ‘done’ for the year. My only wish would have been for more time to pack. I feel like I’ve lost precious time with my dear students in lieu of packing up my room, but there’s really no other way without working unpaid hours. I have a hard time giving more when I already work so much extra and pay so much of my own money to support my classroom. It’s a choice I make, yes, but I’m allowed to make this choice, too. Tomorrow will be great because I worked hard today. Tomorrow I get to be Mrs. Littlejohn, again, for one last full teaching day with these kiddos. We are doing all kinds of things with marshmallows and s’mores tomorrow. It will be a day of sticky wonder! They’re leaving their mark on my heart, for sure.

I pretty much know that I am at the end of this eating-off-the-wagon round. I’m running to catch up to the proverbial wagon and I’m getting back on. After Wednesday comes and goes, along with my last day of school for the year, life will get back to normal, my diet will return to normal, my workout schedule can resume and it will all work out. In the meantime, however, I reached out to my friends to see if they will support me this week via Facebook. It’s rare that I appeal to my mainstream friends group. I try not to inundate them with Tamara Shazam types of announcements about my weight or workouts because, well, that’s annoying to some people. But this time I need them in a big way. I need my posse, so to speak. I need to get back on track and to feeling in control again so I can step on the scale and see what happened to my numbers. Oh, please, don’t let me be back over 200… But it’s up to me. I’ve got this.

Last Friday night was my 16th wedding anniversary with Bradley. As we were driving to dinner,I was loopy with joy. Life can seem so dark sometimes, but when I look at my life through the proper lens, I can’t help but see all of the blessings that are heaped on me. It’s pretty wonderful. We were lucky enough to have my parents in town and they took the kids to play overnight at a hotel with a pool and we had the whole house to ourselves! One would think we stayed up late, watched movies, made out and ate lots of chocolate, but the truth is that we got home and crashed out by 10:00, if not earlier! It was so good to be able to sleep without worrying and thinking about how our kids are doing. While I don’t actively parent all night anymore, I can assure you that I sleep better when I know there won’t be any middle of the night drama! We repaid my parents, who stayed the weekend, with a fun lunch at the Red Hook Brewery.

Other than that, we’ve just been exceptionally busy. We are usually slammed at this time of year, but there have been a few layers that got added unexpectedly this year. I found out that I have to switch classrooms- this news after I spent last week organizing and UNPACKING my remaining boxes that I hadn’t unpacked from my move last year! Great timing, huh? I haven’t packed a thing and I need to have it ALL in boxes by Wednesday afternoon. Aiyiyi. This all with 25 squirrelly 2nd graders underfoot. Ha ha ha ha! HA!! HA! They’ve been getting this look lately, and so will you if you try to add something else to my plate:

I haven’t been getting home until around 6:30 or 7:00 every night lately, and it’s not because I’ve been at the gym, I’ve just had meetings and parties like crazy. Awesome meetings and parties, yes, but man-oh-man! Color me just worn-out! Then I realized I haven’t posted in a while and I hate it when too much time passes between posts on my blog, so here is that update.
Regarding diet and exercise, to that I answer, “Huh? What diet or exercise?” I am not using any of my new tools – like exercise- to chill out my worrying brain, so I’ll admit that I’m turning to food again to quell the rising anxiety. I weighed in at 196 yesterday, so it’s showing on the scale, but I’m just trying to get through this week. I’m not going to worry about a small gain and I’m looking at it as a natural fluctuation, like any healthy person has.
Anyhow, onward!
Summer is just around the corner…

It’s been a good week. I didn’t have a big plan to improve the situation or anything… The situation being too busy to actually work out at all. I was sick and just plain busy and, quite honestly, freaking out that it had been two whole weeks without a work out. On Monday I’d had enough. I wasn’t feeling like a big workout was necessary, but I did take my Martha-Dog on a nice walk. I listened to tunes as we walked a few miles and then we stopped to take selfies.
I know, stupid, right? But my Martha is going to be 13 years old on June 20th and I adore her. She was my first baby; she was the baby I had when I couldn’t have a baby yet. I luuuurve her. So selfies with one I love seemed to be in order. But she’s such a goof. You put your face next to hers, hold the camera out and all of the sudden she’s bashing you with her forehead and looking skyward. So cute. Sorry to gush about my geriatric puppy. But also not. In dog years she’s in her nineties so I am going to gush all I want.

When I looked forward to my week, I realized that it’s another pretty impacted week, so I got online for the different 24 Hour Fitness gyms in my area to see where there were classes that fit my times. I ended up choosing two classes at my very own gym! I Zumba’d yesterday with two friends. We all commented that we were feeling a little down and felt like a workout would improve our collective moods. It worked. Then today I tried out a new weightlifting class, set to a Guns-n-Roses soundtrack, I kid you not. It added a whole new component to working out, lifting in rhythm to Axl Rose. Honestly, though, it was pretty awesome. It didn’t feel like a whole lot in the moment, but I’m feeling it in my thighs and arms big time, now. And at one point our instructor said that if we were doing it right then sweat would be dripping off of our elbows. At that very moment I felt a drop skitter down my arm and drop to the floor. It was a total moment or pride. I also got a compliment on my form and I love a compliment. Pretty stinking awesome. As we were beginning to leave, we heard that there was a Zumba class starting immediately. In walked our friend, Christina, so Julie and I stayed around for 15 minutes to experience a different instructor with her. Well, I left after 15. Julie stayed and kept shaking it when I headed out. She’s such a powerhouse. Anyways, it was really fun and I would have loved to stay the hour, but I have a family. Jobs to do. Husband who wants smootches. I can see how people become gym rats. The combination of community and endorphins is pretty addictive. The instructor of this Zumba class, Fernanda, was a lot of fun. She was pretty straightforward and repetitive which, for me, was really nice. I don’t do well with all the fancy moves that change up a lot, frankly. I’m a terrible dancer when it comes to choreographed, synchronized stuff. It’s nuts. But I really like it anyhow. 🙂
When I got home I weighed 193.4.
193!!!!
I made this to celebrate:

My post-workout, sweaty mug. 🙂

One: I did not pop back up in weight after recovering from my flu like I thought I would. I only went up one pound. I’m now weighing in at 195 and I’m not complaining about it one bit!
Two: A dear friend of mine, who will remain nameless because I don’t know if she wants her new, smaller sizes to be advertised on the web, told me she just went out and bought some size 12 pants and medium shirts. To me, she is so tiny and to know that we were both wearing a size 14 at the same time blew my ever loving mind! I suddenly had a comp to my size and I liked what I saw! It was one of those lightbulb moments that helped put things into perspective for me!
Three: Another friend of mine is getting married and I got invited to her wedding! We’ve known one another for years, but this year I learned how absolutely much I love and appreciate her, so to be invited is especially an honor at this point in our relationship. I may have shed a few tears but I’m not admitting anything. It’s one of the few weddings that I’ve ever been invited to that I really, really wanted a ticket to. It’s going to be gorgeous and she is so happy. Love. Seriously. Isn’t it the best?
Four: When I made the then/now picture in my most recent post (scroll down to the next post and you can gander at me in my 300-pound, swim-suited glory), it was difficult for me to line everything up. These days I try to always stand with my feet the same distance apart and looking the same way. When I place the photos side by side, I resize the pictures so my feet are in the same place and my hairline is in the same place too. If I don’t, in one picture I look taller than another and it looks like I’m trying to make things look more dramatic than they are- which I try NEVER to do. You might think the shoulders would work, too, but look at what happened when I zoomed in! Can you believe how much weight I lost off of my shoulders and neck? It’s just NUTS! My neck got so much longer!!

All right. Happy Saturday. 13 more days of school and then this roller coaster of crazy can finally come to a halt. 🙂

As previously stated, Memorial Day Weekend was a bust for the Lj’s, as far as good times, camping, hooting, hollering and general rabble rousing that is usually associated with a three-day, holiday weekend. It was kind of funny, though. As we were taking stock and considering how things turned out, Jude let us know that this weekend was kind of fun, even if we were sick. He said he really liked laying around in bed all day watching movies, snuggling up to his family and being really un-busy. It made me realize how on-the-go we always are and that sometimes it’s a good thing to give in to a nine-hour movie marathon even if they’re not sick. Sometimes, once every 7-11 years, I suppose, it’s ok to go slower than slow and be stiller and more placid than ever. Sometimes you need the stomach flu to remind you of that. 😉

This morning I couldn’t resist. Even though I know this is an illness-related number, I’m still weighing in at 194. It’s magical. Stupid, but magical. I was reflecting back on my BMI (Body Mass Index is a measure of body fat based on height and weight) from when I started which was 50.2. That means that over half of my body makeup was fat. Today, Bradley was commenting that I’ve lost almost 150 pounds (146 to be precise) and I almost weigh half of what I used to! Reflective moments like this are a nice reminder that I’ve come so far. It’s easy to forget where I was and I think that is why it’s easy to get back there. Old habits slip in along with new ones, and if I don’t reflect back on where I was often then I lose perspective and stop maintaining or moving forward.
I was also thinking about the purpose of my project at this point. Technically I’m still overweight, so I know that if I continue to slide on down the scale that I’ll also have more enduring health, but quite honestly? I’m really, REALLY happy with my body, my fitness and appearance at this point. My body looks absolutely fabulous to me. It’s hard for me to say that, but seriously. SERIOUSLY. I remember thinking that if I could be a size 16 that I would have it made. A size 14 was simply dreamy, and anything smaller that was just out of the question and would open up a world of possibility. So, to be a smaller size 14, ready to step into a 12 soon? It’s mind-blowing to me. And when I do comparison pictures of myself, then and now, I’m just amazed!!

I mean, look at that! I wore that outfit out to the store today- I NEVER would have thought I would wear something like that. I see signs, sometimes, that say ‘dress for the body you have, not the one you want’, and I may have a distorted sense of the way I look, but I actually think I look fine. Who would have thought?*
Looking fine and feeling solidly in good shape make me really start to question my purpose again. I want to weigh 170, but how important is it to me at this point? Is it just vanity? The accomplishment of it? I think I’m looking for my motive and I’m, in general, solidly against my weightloss for my appearance purposes alone. As a byproduct, yes. However, beauty fades and the enduring benefit I get is a healthier life, so I choose health as my focus, but it’s hard to keep going when I feel like I’m so there already. Perhaps I mostly just feel like I want to be done. I’m ready to not be pushing to weigh less anymore. I want to just exercise, play, be healthy and have fun, and enjoy my body, but that last 25 pounds is nagging at me…
(Again- I only am shooting for 25 pounds, down from 170 pounds to lose! CRAZY!)
So, on I push. My motive, I guess, is the goal I set for myself in the beginning of my project and being true to my original intent. I know that if I don’t make my goal that it will hang over my head for life, much like if I hadn’t finished college. I made promises to myself that I promised I would keep, for the first time ever, and it seems that I’m pretty determined to meet my goal. It will certainly be sweet when I get there!
Cheers for a healthy week! 🙂

*It’s important to note that I never throw older pictures up on my website to mock myself or call myself ugly, unworthy or anything like that. I was a very happy person back then. Limited, but happy. Because so much of weightloss is ‘headwork’ there is little evidence to show except for my body, before and after, so it’s important to share the evidence. The before picture was taken as a wish that one day I’d be able to use it exactly in this fashion, as a comparison, so I use it with pride. I have no shame in who I was, but I am much happier and realized as the person I am now.

I always expect the end of the school year to be mellow. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s because, as a kid, the teachers started winding down expectations as the year wrapped up… What I failed to realize was that my teachers were winding down student expectations because their job gets a lot harder! It has been one thing after another, with tasks, evaluations, assessments, meeting, celebrations, final performances, presentations, field trips and everything seems to just be compounding. It wasn’t until Thursday that I even realized this weekend is Memorial Day weekend, I’ve been so deep in my turtle shell!
So, last night, as I was getting ready to turn over into that special sleeping position that makes me crash right out (cocooned in pillows while laying on my left-hand side, if you were wondering), I thought to myself that I was glad we didn’t have lice in the house since that would have kept us way busier than I wanted to be this weekend!* Add to that the stupid comment I made to a friend that I haven’t gotten super sick this year….
And then Guinevere came in at 2:AM to let us know that she had just thrown up. I’m lucky enough to have a husband who hopped up and took care of it. I fell back to sleep and woke again around 6:AM to learn that it was an all-night ordeal. And now my stomach is rolling with the bug. Nooooooo!
Here we go. What a way to spend the long weekend!
***UPDATE***

It was one for the record books, folks. Oh. My. Goodness. I don’t like to belabor my complaints in life, but holy snykies. I never want to have the stomach flu again. It started at 10:00 and I was leaning over the toilet evacuating my stomach until 2:AM. It was rough. This morning I woke up to a horrible stench in the house. It was one of those flus that leaks out your pores and makes everything smell of sickness. Lots of bathing, lots of laundry, lots of towels… Now we are keeping our fingers crossed that Bradley doesn’t get it!
After all was said and done, I hopped on the scale, just to see. For a brief moment, I weighed 194.2- less than Bradley! Lol! It all came back right away, thoughts soon as I hydrated, but still. That was kind of cool to see and motivated me to get going again. 🙂

*That makes it sound like we have lice quite often. That would be a no. Just to be clear.

Today as we were leaving Zumba, one of the girls from the cohort of teachers who I dance with told me that they love watching the way I move my hands while we are working out. I had NO idea what she was talking about. No idea. Apparently, it is my custom to do jazz hands all the time. Like: All. The. Time. And they watch me do it! Every time! I guess that’s why they keep saving a place for me in the front of our group. 🙂 It’s certainly not for direction or leadership since I rarely seems to know what’s going on! I would love to see a video of myself doing Zumba because I think I’m pretty bad at it. But it’s really okay. They can laugh and I’m happy to be the one making them laugh because I am laughing too! It’s true- I get lost on the steps and just start hopping around, lunging, squatting and, yes, jazz-handing, just so I keep my heartrate up and my body sweaty. Its just so fun- no matter what- and for the first time ever I don’t hate exercise even a little. It’s just all fun! Tomorrow they are trying Pilates. I’m considering it…
Zumba is not only fun for me, but I’m seeing a shift in an area where I really need it. For a while I was feeling a tearing at the back of my rib cage. I assumed it was due to my ample bosom bouncing about as I ran, but it seems that some muscle tone is helpful as well. It’s all that thrusting and booty shaking that makes me feel like a stripper that is making the difference. Bradley commented the other day that he’s seeing a difference too- my sides and stomach are tightening up. It’s nice to know that I can still make a change in my stomach! I suppose not is all as lost as I assumed it was!

I’m also here to talk about my diet. This? Above? Was my marvelous supper after Zumba tonight. I’m not proud. It’s not every night or anything, and my lunch was full of fruits and veggies, but I’ll admit that pizza and a coke, served like this, on my way from one place to another, has been my dinner more than I’d like to admit lately. I’m not gaining weight- I’m steadily 198- but I could be dropping a little weight if I could eat a little bit cleaner. I have lots of reasons- busy life- but like I tell my students, ‘it’s a reason, not an excuse.’ I need to clean it up, so I’m saying it here, that I’m getting better about it right now. The season is here to eat in season. I just need to get with it.
Have you had the blueberries yet, this year? I’m in love. I missed summertime, seasonal, fresh-eating!!!

It’s been ages since I’ve been running with my True Love. Zumba coincided with the amp-up of activity that is spring, so dance classes have been pretty much my only exercise method over the past few weeks. I love Zumba. Booty camp, more, really. Perhaps I just love exercise classes. Honestly, though, love might not be a strong enough word for it. I luuuurve booty camp/Zumba! I have big, squishy girl crushes all over it! I am a big, happy, sweaty pile of worked-out flesh for Zumba and the people who I get to do it with.

But I love my husband. The whole reason I decided to get started on this whole body project* was because I love him so stinking much and I’m greedy for more time on earth to spend with him. My kids, too. I couldn’t see my own value yet, I couldn’t do it for me so when I started losing weight and getting healthier it was all for them. Part of doing it for them was bringing them along on a healthier trend, and about two months into the running part of my body project Bradley decided to join me.
It moves me to tears, sometimes, to think of his dedication to me. When I first started ‘running’ it was so incredibly slow. I was hitting 15 minute miles quite often. I had read (and believe) that just running for time was the goal- not the speed or distance. I learned that sometimes I might be jogging slower than I could walk because I was building muscle memory, endurance and I was doing what I could. I would make Bradley run about twenty feet ahead of me otherwise I’d accuse him of trying to speed me up by pulling me along. I displaced my exhaustion from running as anger onto him and I would pick fights with him and accuse him of doing things to me. He’d talk in the middle of my podcast, I’d lose track of what was going on and harrumph at the annoyance of it. I would yell at him for getting in my way or being on the wrong side of the sidewalk. I wouldn’t allow him to walk next to me as I was jogging so slow he was almost hopping in place- and he did it all, took it all because he knew that he was standing in for my insecurities. That running was so scary and hard for me that I’d often get mad or have an anxiety attack mid-run and I’d take it out on him. Failure was ever in front of me and he bore the brunt of my fear, but he still ran next to me. He still congratulated me at the end of every run and I got better. I’m not mean or anxious anymore. I know myself as an athlete and I’m not afraid anymore. That’s partially due to him and his belief in me. His patience with me. He’s an amazing partner. Extraordinary.
He told me that he needs me, now, that since I started Zumba he hasn’t run once. I’ve run a few times, but looking back, I’ve completely neglected my greatest supporter of my body project since Zumba began. This year has been a running desert with the work time shift. It got too difficult to balance exercise and sleep and family this year, so running outdoors together became rare while independent treadmill running became the rule. Last weekend was busy with the color run and the bike ride, but this weekend I badgered him until this morning we finally got into it again and ran a little over two miles, together at the track and we made a date to run again tomorrow. He’s been missing me. After leaning on him so much for so long, I guess it feels pretty good to be needed and leaned on in return.

*I’ve said it before, but the word ‘journey’ seems so trite and annoying to me. I know that it’s just a game of semantics, but when I start to talk about my ‘weight loss journey,’ I want to throw up a little in my mouth. I think ‘journey’ feels a little too passive to me; It reads a little too lifetime movie channel, schmaltzy and precious, I suppose. And it’s not a journey, it’s a never ending project that I have to work at. I’m not walking a path, it’s not a vacation. I’m blazing a trail for myself and it’s a huge project: My Body Project.

My week ended with me standing on a street corner, holding a sign and waving at passers-by encouraging people to support public schools. It’s a worthy cause, really*. While there, I glanced across the street and saw a woman who I worked with during my first year in my school district. She was a foundational person, for me, about the kinds of bonds and collaborative relationships that can develop among colleagues. I haven’t seen her for about seven years or so, but I assumed she’d recognize me. I don’t always remember the names of folks who hold temporary contracts at my school, but I generally remember faces.
But there I was, standing among, not only this once woman, who I admired greatly, but several of my former colleagues from that school, and not a one could place me or remember who I am, despite my unusual name, despite my reminder of whose maternity leave I covered, despite me taking off my sunglasses… In my new body, the older me has been forgotten.
It’s an odd feeling, being forgotten. Recently it occurred to me that death truly happens when one’s memory fades. When the people who know your stories pass, so do you. I think it’s why some people have to live large- they want to be a Queen Elizabeth or James Dean, never to be forgotten. To be forgotten in my very own lifetime, within less than ten years, is shocking. I’m sure that if I were still 340 pounds they would have known me. Gigi thought this was a good thing- to only be known as the new, healthier me, but my legacy began before I lost weight. I was doing important work in the classroom, making important connections, reaching out… It just surprised me.
So then I got to thinking even more about identity and who I am. I realized that one of the reasons I feel so good and so safe at my new (well, not totally new anymore) school is that I am 100% my authentic self now. I used to hide so much of myself away. While I’ve always felt free to be my own person, I’m also terribly self conscious and I’ve cared a lot about more what people thought about me than I ever wanted to admit to myself. Through the vehicle of this website I’ve come out, so to speak. I live pretty transparently, anymore, and if you like the things you read here and you read here often, then you know me pretty well and would probably like me in person, too. Thank you for reading here, liking my articles on Facebook, writing comments, continuing to make traffic through my blog… It is quite validating to have evidence that the person I am is ok, likable, interesting… So, thank you. It might seem shallow, and it wasn’t my intention, but it still means something to me.
Being forgotten is not my biggest fear, but it is nice to know I’ve catalogued so much of my life on this blog. At the very least I’ll be able to read my own story and remember it. And while being forgotten is not my biggest fear, I sure hope that behaving as my authentic self, the same one I behave as on my blog, is more memorable and impactive in real life than the person who was, apparently, so forgettable a decade ago.

After waving my sign for an hour, I headed over to boot camp to shake it for an hour. Drea, from work, showed up as well and it was my first time getting to shake it with her. She was amazing at doing all the dance moves like a boss the first time through. Some people just have a knack! My friend Christina is like that too. I’m there flailing my arms around while the people around me manage to gracefully execute all of these weird moves smoothly like they’ve been doing it for years… Maybe after I’ve been doing it for years I can look all smooth and chill, too!
I forgot a ponytail holder and was all like ‘Camille (our teacher) doesn’t wear a hairband. She just whips her hair around all sexy all the time and it’s not a problem.’ Welp, I seriously doubt I looked anything even remotely like sexy. As I got sweatier and sweatier the curl left my hair and it started sticking all over my face and neck and UGH! It was gross! Without the forward momentum of running or a fan giving my hair the Beyoncé wind it needed, my hair down was a hot-n-sweaty pain. I definitely am putting spare hair bands in my bag from now on! I took the picture right after I got in my car after the workout and saw what I had going on! LOL! Far from sexy!
***
*I won’t proselytize to anybody here, but if you have questions about the teacher strikes or education issues in Washington, Facebook me. We can chat. 😉

On Mother’s Day Bradley was super amped up to tune up our bikes and ride down to Woodinville, the Chateau St. Michelle winery and the Red Hook Brewery. So we did. We left pretty early and were really lucky. When we were on the trail on the way out, the path was totally clear, not crowded at all or anything. As we arrived at each destination, we didn’t have to wait in lines or anything! Winery tour? Boom. We were in. Lunchtime without reservations? No wait at all. I started feeling like we were pretty clever for doing this biking thing! Then noon hit and everyone got out of the house hit the trail, hit the tours and as we left each place we also left a swarm of families who were waiting a turn to take a tour or get a table. All totaled, round trip, the ride was only about 12 miles. Even at that, though, the ride still did something beautiful for my thighs and they were singing for the rest of the day! 🙂
By the way- if you order the nachos at red hook, like Gigi did, you’ll have enough food to feed 4-6 people. Just sayin’.

Yesterday I Zumba’d again. It was the first time I’ve been back to the Tuesday class since joining. There was a different teacher who is somewhat more repetitive than Camille so I was able to follow along a little more cleanly… But I like the boot camp class better. It’s just so fun! Mostly, I’m just really loving the camaraderie among the ladies I’m working out with, but I’m also simply loving the classes. I’m honestly wondering if I might indeed continue taking the dance classes through the summer. There’s all these freebie days where members can bring a friend, and I totally want to make Bradley go with me sometimes. I think he would actually dig it and it would be way fun if he were in the mix, too.
🙂