Swimsuit Problems


(To the rhythm of the 1980’s classic DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince’s Parents Just Don’t Understand)

You know swimsuits are the same, no matter time nor place,
They don’t understand that us gals are going to make some mistakes,
So to you, all the women all across the land, there’s no need to argue,
Swimsuits just don’t understand.

Early this spring I went swimsuit shopping,
Tryin’ to get something to keep my belly from flopping,
It tries to sneak out from the bottom of my suit,
I wanted modesty along with something kinda cute.

I started bugging with the swimsuits I saw:
There’s no room for all my skin in that thong!
This woman’s lost 150 pounds!
I need something to hold that skin down!

Bikini, monokini, french cut, skirted-
One piece, rouched, built in bra and girdled.
One suit arose, the belle of the ball,
A little bit of skin but not showing it all.

[chorus]
You know swimsuits are the same, no matter time nor place
They don’t understand that us gals are going to make some mistakes
So to you, all the women all across the land There’s no need to argue
Swimsuits just don’t understand.

Ok, here’s the situation:
My family went away on a week’s vacation.
I packed the pieces of my brand new suit,
Black and white stripes, looking pretty cute.

I’ll just take it for a little splash,
Maybe show it off to Mr. Mustache,
I’ll put it on for the family lake,
I had no idea the perfect mistake I would make!

Pay attention, here’s the thick of the plot,
I pulled up my bottoms, they fit better than I thought,
That’s when I saw in front of me,
The tag hanging out where none should be.

You should see my bodily dimensions,
I yelled to Bradley to get his attention,
He said, “Was that for me?”
I said, “Yeah!”
He said, “Why?”
I said, “Come on and take a look at my behind!”

I said “These bottoms cover better when they’re turned around,”
The right way makes my tummy slip toward the ground,
The front is tiny while my belly is not, 
The back covers better, who would have thought?”

We agreed and we were on our way
He was looking very good and so was I, I must say – word
We hit the lake, waded into the water
with our handsome son and beautiful daughter.

[chorus]
You know swimsuits are the same, no matter time nor place
They don’t understand that us gals are going to make some mistakes
So to you, all the women all across the land There’s no need to argue
Swimsuits just don’t understand.


(Long story short? My swimsuit bottoms fit better when they’re backwards. When I turn the bottoms around backwards, they look a lot like those new swimsuits with the narrow back that shows a lot of booty, but frankly I’d rather have my expected large ass hanging out than my unexpected belly skin drooping out of the bottom of my swimsuit. I think I need to invent a line of bathing suits for people who have massive weightloss issues. I have dangly skin that likes to pop out unattractively at my armpits, making lovely armpit flab, my lower belly has ‘corners’ that sneak out of the legs of my bathing suits (like, the sides of my hips that used to be and plump and now hang like a deflated balloon) and my upper belly (above my belly button) that just likes to swing around obnoxiously and needs to be held down!)