Keeping On
Boston.
I don’t understand why anyone ever tries to solve anything with violence. Why that’s ever an answer to anyone- to hurt other people. It’s so ridiculously counterproductive.
I’m just going to say how pleased I am that the media is focusing on ‘the helpers’ this time instead of glorifying the villains. I’m so pleased the heroes praises are being sung. It also makes me glad I’m a runner now- an indomitable runner who won’t be deterred by these asshats and their fear campaign. I didn’t run today or yesterday because of crazy schedules, but I can’t wait to get out tomorrow again.
***
I was commenting to Bradley today about my diet. I’m feeling out of control lately with it. Like I’m eating too much, not exercising enough… When I enter my data into my app everything aligns and falls into place- my calories are spot on and my exercise is solid- but I get caught up on the not losing poundage and it messes with my head.
I also have to say a weird thing. I don’t always trust myself to make good choices. When I was a kid I had a hard time with truth telling- I was impulsive but hated paying the price for my actions so I would hide things, lie, evade my parent’s questions… Not to be too Wonder Years or anything, but it was then I learned that my actual character was in question, not just my actions, and I made myself a promise that I would never lie again. At first that meant brutal honesty (A friend asks: do you like my hair? I honestly would answer, even if I did not like their hair!). There was an adjustment phase where I got mad often because I wasn’t trusted yet, though eventually I think I’ve earned a reputation for being very honest. Over the years, I’ve learned diplomacy and I continue to I adhere to the concept of honesty is the best policy.. But the nagging suspicion remains that I’m a liar. That deep down I’m all ready to spring forth with exercise lies, poor food choices and diet cheats- which is strange, because that is so not me! Being truthful is a concept that I think about a lot.
The point of that loooong story is that I just don’t trust my choices all the time. But I need to. I need to start realizing that I’m a good kid. A good mom. A loving wife. A super smart and nice teacher ;). A well intended person. A good human being. An honest person. And if I’m honest with other people to a fault, why do I think I’m going to lie to myself with stupid cheats? I’m not. I’m so intentional, so careful, so paranoid about all of this that I second guess myself constantly and I can’t feel like that for the rest of my life while I maintain the weightloss. Feeling out of control, like I’m a liar and a cheater, just makes me feel bad. If there’s some new learning I’ve had lately, it’s that I have been eating my feelings all these years. Food soothed my nerves and lifted any bad feelings I had for years, and I’m not letting it do that anymore. So I can’t feel bad about eating calories that I haven’t eaten otherwise I’m going to find myself in the kitchen at 8:00 at night with a handful of chocolate chips and a spoonful of peanut butter!
***
I have PMS again. I hate writing publicly about that stuff, but it is relevant to this project I’m working on- losing weight. For half of the month I’m such a crab AND I can’t lose any pounds! As I was making my action plan for the next few weeks, I found myself telling Bradley that as soon as I get beyond this cycle that I’m gong to hit it hard, maximize the two weeks of non-crabby-energetic-can-actually-lose-poundage time. Then I was thinking, “Seriously? I can lose for just two weeks a month?” That is stupid. I gotta go talk to my doctor to see if there is something that I can do. The thing is, I know this is my pattern. The last time I lost a bunch of weight (6 years ago) the same thing happened. I’d lose right after my cycle started then stall until it played out. If I could somehow fix that I could possibly pick up some more losses. We’ll see.
***
I spent some time talking to this really neat mom who volunteers in my classroom this year. She is on a similar path (she’s much more slender than me but weightloss and fitness are relative- her 20 pounds are every bit of a challenge to her as my 75 pounds are to me- we’re all in this together) and she invited me to an early morning mom’s exercise group. My first reaction was to be all like, “No!” And then to clutch my pearls and take a whiff of my fainting salts to revive my delicate sensibilities. To exercise with other people? Why, I never! I flipped out that I wouldn’t be able to keep up, that I’d look like a fool in front of all the abs of steel moms in midriff tops and spandex booty shorts that do not contain a belly flap formerly inhabited by two infants and lots of fatty deposits… But then I heard my brain spazzing out and stopped the insanity. These are normal women, normal moms. The mom who told me about it is a pretty fly chica. That was fear talking. I’m definitely intrigued. I think I’m gonna give it a go in the very near future.
***
It cracks me up when I sit down to write without anything to say and I turn out a novella.
Goofball.
Yep… That’s me calling myself a goofball.
Welcome to my brain.